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Help! Dont know what to do...

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dheezire posted 10/6/2013 00:09 AM

Just like the other forums, i need my way out with A.

Im having a hard time leaving my MM-A.

I really wanted to have my family back and regain my H trust.

I tried to stop myself not to contact him but i always failed.

Please help me.

UnexpectedSong posted 10/6/2013 03:56 AM

What things can you do instead of contacting him? Do you have a plan?

NoGoodUsername posted 10/6/2013 05:20 AM

dheezire,

Have you written a formal 'No Contact' letter? The reason why I ask is that the act of writing it and mentally going over the reasons for getting out of the affair and staying with your spouse can be helpful in supporting your boundary.

As a practical thing, open a clean document and start typing reasons why the affair was bad. Type out reasons why you want to save your marriage. If you have the strength for it, type out what you think is wrong with you that let you have an affair in the first place.
This kind of thing is hard, but will help you focus your mind. As long as you are at your computer typing, you aren't reaching out to your AP. If the computer is too much of a temptation, do this exercise on paper. Good luck.

(edited for typo)

[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 5:21 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

SandAway posted 10/6/2013 06:50 AM

Does your H know about the A?

The best way to stop it in it's tracks is to tell your BH & his BW.

dheezire posted 10/6/2013 09:55 AM

Sandaway: yes he knew it and currently, he asked me to leave our home. Currently not stayingbwithbmy family because of this A.

Nogoodusername: no. I havent heard that i should do a written letter.

Unexpectedsong: im not a busy type person,,, thats y most of my time was use to fall in thinking my MM-A.


Guys, i really wanted to escape from this A and i find it difficult to let go.

dheezire posted 10/6/2013 10:00 AM

Unexpectedsong: My plan is to get away from this A and focus in winning back my family and my H trust.

Please help. Im totally lost and dont know how and where to start.

dheezire posted 10/6/2013 10:01 AM

Sandaway: i do not know his BW number neither the real name.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/6/2013 17:50 PM

You don't know the MM's real name? Does he know yours?

Can you eliminate all means of him contacting you? Cancel email, change phone numbers?

Become a busy-type person. Join a gym. Go for walks. Volunteer. Go to the public library and sit and read books from the self-help section. Idle minds are the devil's playground, to paraphrase an adage.

dheezire posted 10/7/2013 00:42 AM

20wrongsvs1: i know what MMs real name. Its his W that I do not know. Thanks for the advise and i will do that.

Please tell what are the moves and the steps that i need to so in order to win back my family especially my H trust.

dheezire posted 10/7/2013 03:05 AM

Dont you think i need to ask BH point of view with regards to how to win my family back and my H trust?

SandAway posted 10/7/2013 06:32 AM

It is obvious that you are really struggling dheezire and are lost as to what to do. Can you give some details about your A and when DDay was?

Have you read the Healing Library here on SI? (Yellow Box at top left)

as well as these articles?

Things that every WS needs to know.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=37775

How much does my BS hurt?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446

The Life Boat:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

edited to add:

Have you not asked your BH what he needs from you?

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:33 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/7/2013 07:24 AM

The #1 thing your BH needs from you, is for you to end the A and 100% honor NC.

A close second is honesty. Tell him whatever he wants to know. Don't hold back details because you "don't want to hurt him unnecessarily." That is a mistake so many of us make, there's a name for it: trickle-truthing (TT). BHs on SI say the details they make up in their heads are often much worse than the truth. If your BH gives you the gift of R, give him the gifts of honesty and transparency. The more you reveal now, the easier it'll be later. I was still lying and TT'ing 2 months in...which set us back to ground zero (or worse) every time! Trust is hard to rebuild when you tell your spouse "yep, that's the whole truth" and a month later...as more of the A fog lifts...you recant.

As for finding OBS, does your AP own a home? Where I live, it's easy to look up deeds and mortgages, marriage licenses, etc, online. Feel free to PM me.

dheezire posted 10/7/2013 08:39 AM

Sandaway:
Dday was on 21sep13.
What details u need to know from my A?
No i havent tried to read anything from SI as to i do not know where to start or what to read.
I will start reading those links u gave. Thanks sand!

dheezire posted 10/7/2013 14:35 PM

Sandaway: a lot of times i asked him, but he always said to me,,, its too late for me to change. He said that i will never be change. He is currently planning to file an annulment so that i can have my life free.

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