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2 months post O.N.S.

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hearthurts23 posted 10/6/2013 00:29 AM

Today has been a hard day for me. It's been exactly two months since my husband got drunk and started to have sex with someone he barely knew. (I posted the full story in the "just found out" forum). He did stop quickly after starting but the damage was done. He kissed and penetrated someone else.

The past two months have been a roller coaster. There was a lot of hysterical crying on my part at first and husband & I both have been deeply depressed. I now have good days and bad days but around the anniversary of the date it happened, I get extremely anxious and sad.
We've been seeing an excellent counselor since the day after he told me (almost 2 weeks after encounter). Counseling is going very well and we have made the tentative decision to try to reconcile. My husband is filled with regret, shame, and pain. I have no doubt that his remorse is genuine. He had a moment of wreckless, drunken weakness. It was extremely out of character. That's been one of the hardest parts for me to deal with. I NEVER thought he would be unfaithful to me. We had our own problems, sure, but fidelity was not one of them. If someone else had told me what he had done, I might not have believed them because I trusted him that much. He told me himself and that means a lot to me. It shouldn't have taken him 13 days to tell me but I am very thankful that he did tell me himself.
I wish I knew how to stop these obsessive thoughts. I imagine the details so often. I recently saw a photo of what this girl actually looks like and was shocked at how unattractive she is.
My husband has told me all along that she wasn't anything special. He says that when she started kissing him his body reacted before his mind. He was very, very drunk. He hasn't used that as an excuse, it's just a contributing factor in the same way that his low self worth was a contributing factor. He's done a great job at owning his mistake. He is really trying to do the right things to work this out with me. I know I love him, but I'm having a very hard time forgiving him. I worry that I may not be able to.
I'm not sure how to feel about this girl being very unattractive. I'm not beautiful but I'm pretty. My husband is attractive and this girl was a serious step down. Before knowing what she looked like, I was paranoid that it was some hot sex goddess and was convinced he was only telling me she wasn't good looking to spare my feelings. Now that I've seen her I do feel much better about myself but even more ashamed of him. Doesn't he have standards? I know that in the big picture, what she looks like doesn't matter a bit. He betrayed me and that's what matters. It's just been very hard to understand and sort through. I hope I can put her out of my mind soon and focus more on the present instead of the past.

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