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how do you forgive???

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Tear posted 10/6/2013 01:13 AM

My h is trying really hard to make things better after the a but I can't let it go. How do I forgive him? He is trying but I am still holding on to all the pain. Any helpful tips or advice on how to forgive and let go of some anger so we can move forward and try to rebuild what he broke. He just want to forget it happened and not talk about it I always bring it up. His point is we can't move on if I keep fighting over the intended past and digging it back up everyday. I don't know how to push it out of my mind....its all I think about all day everyday.

RidingHealingRd posted 10/6/2013 01:27 AM

You can't push it out of your mind, and you shouldn't...It will never go away unless you deal with it.

You need to face it, process it, accept it, and move forward. None of this can happen if your H:

just want to forget it happened and not talk about it

As for forgiveness: Don't stress over that right now (or ever). Forgiveness can't be forced and IMO is not necessarily required for successful R...Acceptance on the other hand is.

Your H needs to step up and start making a huge effort in R.


[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:28 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/6/2013 02:38 AM

I'm guessing by your reg date you're about 6 months from dday. I'm not even a month in but I realise true forgiveness will take years and will only happen if he does his bit. Rugsweeping is the death of forgiveness. Have you and he read the articles in healing library about remorse and how he can help you heal. If he wants forgiveness he has work to do
The hardest thing for me is I want to achieve forgiveness. I don't want this intense challenge and pain to be with me for years. But it is what it is.

Audrina posted 10/6/2013 08:23 AM

Not easy to forgive. It took me almost 3 years to do so.
It takes a lot of time.

You will forgive once you see how much work your BS is doing to win you back and fix himself and your marriage.
And when you feel secure within yourself and build trust in the marriage.

struggling16 posted 10/6/2013 08:55 AM

I think we are all on individual journeys with this. When I discovered the A, I thought that I could never forgive. On this site I learned that you can partially forgive in stages.

I realized that I had to partially forgive when I "got" that the rage was consuming me and destroying any chance we had for R. Some wise person at this site told about their IC pointing out that their WH would never be able to make it up to them; acceptance of this allowed me to let most of the rage dissipate (it took two years, though). I will probably never completely forgive because my WH hasn't done the work on getting to his "why". His behavior has completely changed over the last 33 months and we have a wonderful M but because he hasn't examined his motives, I know that it could happen again.

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