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Newest Member: 20yearsplus (61840)

User Topic: how do you forgive???
♀ 38746
Member # 38746
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h is trying really hard to make things better after the a but I can't let it go. How do I forgive him? He is trying but I am still holding on to all the pain. Any helpful tips or advice on how to forgive and let go of some anger so we can move forward and try to rebuild what he broke. He just want to forget it happened and not talk about it I always bring it up. His point is we can't move on if I keep fighting over the intended past and digging it back up everyday. I don't know how to push it out of my mind....its all I think about all day everyday.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't push it out of your mind, and you shouldn't...It will never go away unless you deal with it.

You need to face it, process it, accept it, and move forward. None of this can happen if your H:

just want to forget it happened and not talk about it

As for forgiveness: Don't stress over that right now (or ever). Forgiveness can't be forced and IMO is not necessarily required for successful R...Acceptance on the other hand is.

Your H needs to step up and start making a huge effort in R.


[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:28 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guessing by your reg date you're about 6 months from dday. I'm not even a month in but I realise true forgiveness will take years and will only happen if he does his bit. Rugsweeping is the death of forgiveness. Have you and he read the articles in healing library about remorse and how he can help you heal. If he wants forgiveness he has work to do
The hardest thing for me is I want to achieve forgiveness. I don't want this intense challenge and pain to be with me for years. But it is what it is.

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not easy to forgive. It took me almost 3 years to do so.
It takes a lot of time.

You will forgive once you see how much work your BS is doing to win you back and fix himself and your marriage.
And when you feel secure within yourself and build trust in the marriage.

Me (betrayed): 35

Posts: 280 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
♀ 33202
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are all on individual journeys with this. When I discovered the A, I thought that I could never forgive. On this site I learned that you can partially forgive in stages.

I realized that I had to partially forgive when I "got" that the rage was consuming me and destroying any chance we had for R. Some wise person at this site told about their IC pointing out that their WH would never be able to make it up to them; acceptance of this allowed me to let most of the rage dissipate (it took two years, though). I will probably never completely forgive because my WH hasn't done the work on getting to his "why". His behavior has completely changed over the last 33 months and we have a wonderful M but because he hasn't examined his motives, I know that it could happen again.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 5

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