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We are a month away from Dday, and so many things are coming up that are reminding me of that horrible day/evening. Im having problems processing this whole thing again. For last 2 days ive done nothing but think about OW and what she did on webcam for my H. I see her when I close my eyes (which is pretty hard, because I don't even know what the woman looked like) but u see a vision of what she did. How the ow stripped off (and apparently always wore matching underwear, unlike myself who struggles with Bridget jones type knickers to cover up my ever on-going downward flab!!) so, she stripped off to a little bum wiggle in front of screen, sat there naked and touched herself and proceeded to type inbetween asking him if he liked it! I bet he always said yes ... sometimes she would get up on all fours and stick her skinny arse in the air and touch herself from behind! Reminds me of a porn star, a porn movie, only for hi it was a live one!

This weekend I have gone from feeling fat and ugly (which btw I am a sixe 18 UK, so yes, I am fat/curvey) I feel worthless up to the point where I even tried to scratch my face, I didn't know I was doing this until H came beside me and stopped me, I now have a lovely mark on the side of my face to remind me each time I look in the mirror, how ugly I really am!

H sat with me and tried his best to explain that it didn't matter what she looked like, he didn't care as long as she kept doing what she was doing for him. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not, I mean lets face it ... myself as a woman, if I saw a man and I really wasn't attracted to him, I would not feel like talking dirty to him, would not want to even contemplate seeing him naked ... so how could my H !!!!!! He says it was all about the sex, the cyber stuff he did with other women too, he didn't care what they looked like, there were some thin ones, fat ones, ugly ones and pretty ones .... he says it didn't matter! How can that be!!!!

Anyway, ive rambled enough now, im just having a really bad weekend and want to it stop. Halloween is coming and everywhere I look reminds me of what is coming up. I found out the day before his parents wedding anniversary, and I know we will have to go an celebrate this with them this year as its a special one, how can I do that knowing that this time last year we were going thru hell!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:39 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

(((Heartbroken)))

I understand your pain oh so well. I am a size 22 can/us so close to your size. I have had no self esteem for awhile now. My WH EA has driven me to look at myself and decide I deserve better FOR ME not for him. I hired a personal trainer and nutritionist and am trying to loose weight for me. WH is always spending money on himself so I took equal money and spent it on clothes that look and feel great. This has gone a long way to making me feel better about myself, even as big as I am we were out last night and some cute young guy hit on me...WH was less than pleased.

Try to reclaim your sense of self and do not let OW take away from what is supposed to be a special time for your family with this big anniversary.

Good luck!

(((Heartbroken))). Just reading your pain is breaking my heart. Your wh is right in this instance. It wasn't about the ow. It had nothing to do with how ow looked or how you look. It is never about that. Please, please stop hurting yourself. You are not the problem. Please hear that...you are NOT the problem. Please take care of yourself.

Heartbroken,

Hugs to you. This really isn't about looks and that is hard to imagine. I know. When my H had his A, I was a size 22, with the trauma and pain I got bigger to a 24-26 US. It is hard not to blame yourself when we try to grasp as the "why" straw. It is really about their brokenness. Not about how we look or how the OW looks.

Take care of yourself. If you have not been to counseling, that might be helpful. Especially if you have the urge to hurt yourself again.

Do something that makes you feel good. I did a few pedicures, it made me feel a little better in having pretty feet and toenails. It was a small gesture, but it felt wonderful to me.

Hugs to you.

Thanks everyone, H and I had yet another heart to heart last night, he said some things that helped me understand a bit better.

Im trying to understand that its him that has/had the problem, not me ... but it doesn't help when im feeling this way about myself.

I had a long soak in a big bubble bath, and when I came out, I did my hair (something I haven't done in a long time either, I usually let it dry by itself and put in a clip!) I put on make up, I painted my nails. I wore my matching underwear and stood in front of my full body mirror and looked at myself ...

I looked at every bit of my body, the bits I HATE and the bits I quite like.

H came in and stood behind me and showed me all the bits he loves about me, the reason why he loves those bits, and the reason why he loves me ...he whispered in my ear and I got so much pleasure out of hearing him tell me (he doesn't say it often enough and I think he realises that now)

We didn't do anything ... it didn't lead to sex, but it did lead to us talking open and honest about ourselves, and our bodies (for those that don't know about my H's condition with his body, please read my profile) it was nice that we just lay there, talking and holding onto each other until I fell into a deep sleep, the best I have had in 11 months ....

Today is the start of a new week .... draw a line, and start again xxx