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I think this is the end for us...

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Ellephantastic posted 10/6/2013 05:02 AM

I am so upset and angry and deflated and just ruined.

We are 9 and a bit months out from DD and 1 year on the 8th from when he began the A.

All we do now is argue, he has started to spend most nights sleeping in the livingroom and spends a lot of his time during the day there too.

Every argument we have is my fault and I should just trust him that he isn't out doing stuff with other girls but how the hell am I supposed to trust him when he doesn't PROVE that hes not out doing stuff with other girls?!!

There is no transparency at all, there is no comforting me, no trying to distract me from my triggers. I even sent him a text telling him exactly what he needed to do in moments that I am triggering, he followed this about 2 days and now just doesn't even try.

I just feel that all of this was a massive mistake and I should have left when I found out but now I am stuck in a year long rental with him that if we did split up I would not be able to afford without either him moving into the spare bedroom or getting someone else into the spare bedroom.

I just can't believe that I am even thinking of these options, what the hell has happened to our lives?

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/6/2013 05:13 AM

There is no transparency at all, there is no comforting me, no trying to distract me from my triggers. I even sent him a text telling him exactly what he needed to do in moments that I am triggering, he followed this about 2 days and now just doesn't even try.

This sounds like HE might just as soon be done with it all. It seems like he doesn't care much, if any.

I have no experience with R, so I won't offer suggestions for you, other than two say the obvious -- it takes two.

Strength to you.

iwillNOT posted 10/6/2013 08:46 AM


I am so sorry he is being so selfish and awful. You have every right to expect him to do what needs to be done, to fix the hurt HE caused. Sounds like you have no reason to trust him right now.

Maybe start feeling out the possibilities of a roommate? You don't have to get one right now, but if you knew you COULD do it, you might feel less stuck. For me, talking to a lawyer and putting away money "just in case" helped a lot, so I didn't feel stuck with no choices. I am not leaving him right now, but if I need to, I have a plan.

It's just an awful situation. I hope things get better for you.

Ellephantastic posted 10/6/2013 09:06 AM

It really does not help that I am in my 4th and last year of my university degree and I could really do without all of this.

I won't be leaving (at least I won't make the choice to end it, if he does then that's that I guess)because of a few things, the flat and my degree only being two of those things. But I do need to start arranging all my eggs for the worst possible outcome...

Missymomma posted 10/6/2013 09:11 AM

Elephant, it is time to start the 180! There is no other way to deal with an unremorseful WH, without leaving them. Concentrate on yourself and your life, while detaching from your WH.

I happen to be in the same mode but for slightly different reasons. It does bring peace and will allow you to have the energy and ability to focus on finishing your degree!

Blobette posted 10/6/2013 11:00 AM

Good for you for being done. You're 22, for god's sake! Write this off as a mistake and move on! Get that degree and leave this loser in the dust. Is there some way you can get him out of that flat? Or move in with girlfriends?

Ellephantastic posted 10/6/2013 11:03 AM

There is no way and all my friends are already in flatshares/living with partners, the only option would be to go sleep on a family members sofa and I've been there and done that and not going back

anewday78 posted 10/6/2013 11:11 AM

First, I'm so sorry it's come to this point for you. It's a painful revelation indeed. I'm getting the feeling that you and your WS are in two completely different places emotionally. Couple that with the fact that you are obviously light years ahead of him in terms of maturity and it's clear that the bulk of the heavy lifting will rest upon your shoulders in the foreseeable future. I think Missymomma has given you some solid advice here. Start focusing on a future independent from him. If by the time you're ready to make a move away from him he jumps on board, then you can decide where or if he fits in your future. For now, make it all about you and what YOU need to do to tie up the loose ends.

Dreamboat posted 10/6/2013 11:42 AM


You have 1 more year to get thru, both in terms of getting your degree and getting out of the lease. Think of it as a challenge that you CAN and WILL overcome.

Go hard 180 in him. Focus all of your energy on your studies. If you must, spend most of your time at the library or other quiet place where you can study in peace. Eat your meals at the cafeteria. When you are at home, stay distant from him. If he tries to start a conversation, put him off and say that you really need to concentrate on your studies right now. Or if you feel it will help, tell him you are done and are only still there because of the lease. If he starts an augment, walk away. Do not respond to any thing he says. Say things like "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I would rather not discuss this now". And walk away.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Ellephantastic posted 10/6/2013 13:23 PM

anewday, yes I am more mature than he is. This has all just been left to me, I can't heal myself AND our relationship without his help, so the relationship will just need to stay broken. I owe that to myself.

Dreamboat, I think that is definitely the path that I need to take...he clearly doesn't care about me, so why should I still be caring about him?

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