I keep remembering, not because I want to, I just do. Last year during this time we were on vacation, La Jolla California, so beautiful, the hummingbirds in the garden every morning, the drives along the coast, the mountains, seeing all the things that h was so excited to show me, before he met her, just before he met he, so soon before we left, while we were planning this trip, he met her.
I remember these days as if they are burned into my brain. I didn't know my life had changed. I didn't know yet that he was gone.
On this day we went to his cousins birthday celebration. Family that I was meeting for the first time. I remember feeling ashamed, ashamed of myself, I had gained weight. I felt the distance from h, I felt it and blamed myself. I blamed myself because I thought he was embarrassed to claim me as his wife. I just didn't know that it wasn't me, it was him, he was obsessed with a new "love".
He wasn't ashamed of me, he was oblivious of me. I was in the way, intruding, I just didn't know yet.
We met a family friend, a sweet retired teacher. Maybe in her 70's? We talked for a long time, I exchanged emails with her.
I took a picture of her and h together. This is one of the pictures that h sent to ow. This is one of the pictures that I saw on dday. This picture with the caption, "here is your replacement" ha ha very funny, h is so f'ing clever.
I saw this picture, "your replacement", my brain screamed, my heart pounded, my world shifted. Her replacement??? Who is my replacement??? I didn't know I had been replaced???
This is the day that picture was taken. This is the day I took that picture, so innocently.
This is also the day of other pictures. We were walking in a park along the ocean. Surprisingly, I can't remember the name of the town, thankfully, a name that won't trigger me, unless I remember it, I so hope that I don't.
He was walking, towards me, not looking at me, I was looking at him, how sweet I thought he looked, my husband, the love that would come up in me with those words, "my husband". I took his picture, without him knowing. He was texting her. How could I not have thought something was strange? Why did I not question, "who are you texting now?" How could I have been so blind, so trusting.
After dday as soon as I looked at that picture of him, I knew. Another blow. The expression on his face, the intensity. A look a wife should never see on her husbands face when it is not for her.
This is the day, one year ago. I was on the path to abandonment and I was clueless, unprepared, innocent.
Now, looking back at how he was behaving on that trip, it breaks my heart. I was not happy there, it was a huge disappointment. I was so looking forward to the time together, such high hopes. I didn't care where we went or what we did, I just wanted him to "see" me, treat me like he loved me, I wanted him to be happy.
The worst part is that I watched his mood shifts, so happy, excited, enthusiastic until I spoke, said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, you know, I could do no right. I just didn't understand why then. Now I understand. I go to watch my husband fall in "love" with some other. I watched the anticipation of the next text, the next call, the excitement was for her and I get to have the memories of watching my husbands infatuation for someone new.
It makes me feel like such a fool. It feels so humiliating. I was so trusting, I was being his wife, I was just being normal. He didn't want me there, he just didn't want me at all, I was in the way, a burden and I didn't know.
How could he text her, talk to her