[This message edited by Running the Race at 10:27 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]
I do believe we reap what we sow, to some extent.
You sound frustrated, and I'm sorry to hear that. Hang in there.
He stifles it if in my presence and is a chameleon with how he behaves differently when with different people and this I do not trust.
Karma is a strange word in my thoughts because some days I believe in it and other days I don't. He has problems daily and some are pretty big, but his happiness at being away from me and landing OW is so big also that the problems don't seem to matter.
In my thoughts it's more about justice than karma, in that I don't seek revenge but why can't I be happy, too? Why does one person have to have misery and the other happiness?
Yes, the lost feeling is also present for me, like a floundering person drowning at sea. I used to have this vision where I was drowning and these hands were reaching down, but letting me up to breathe and dropping me back down...and I heard this laughter above the water.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Honestly, I do believe there is karma for these people. Some BS are lucky and they get immediate and obvious glimpses into their WS karma. Some BS don't get to see it for years later. And many BS will never see it. But just because they don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. It could be in the form of regret, guilt, etc. These are not easy emotions to have. At some point, the parties end. And then what are you left with?
These people are not right in the head. And the people they attract are not right in the head. That is not a life I would like to live.
Mine would be to get everything I want in our final divorce decree.
Now, if my lawyer can come back from vacation and get me a court date......
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Sometimes consequences are a long time coming. In the first few years after my X left he led a happy go lucky carefree life. Meanwhile, I was working non stop, taking care of DD 24/7, and barley making ends meet. Then X's carefree style led him to have no income. And owe a butt load in back taxes. And his lack of attention to DD made her want nothing to do with him. Then he stopping paying CS and the state came after him.
So you may not see it immediately, but the consequences do rear their ugly head eventually. It may even take decades, but by then you really won't care anymore.
For now, focus on yourself and your kids. Try to place your X into a compartment in your head where you do not think about her and you do not care about her. That is hard to do but you can do it if you are persistent. And think about this -- the kids know she is going out and having great fun every night.... without them. Meanwhile YOU are there having fun WITH them (in between the not-so-fun parts of real parenting). They will always remember that you were the one that was there for them and she was not. And then think about the direction that her life is going -- where exactly does partying every night lead? The party ends eventually, so then what? What is down that party hardy road anyway? Nothing. Ever meet a burned out middle age partier? I have and it is not a pretty picture. They are stuck in a past that they will never reclaim. But maybe she will wake up one day and change her ways. Then what? Well then she has missed 5 or 10 years of her kids life. They are suddenly in high school or are adults and have no time for her.
Try not to think of her "great" life. Instead, think about what a great parent you are and what a great time you are having with your kids. At the end of this life, what matter more -- saying you had fun or saying you were the best parent you could possibly be?
Much more importantly, lets focus on you. As you heal and rebuild your life, your reaction to what she does will evolve. You will be focused on YOUR life, taking back control of YOUR life, planning for YOUR new future, therefore, you will react to her party life with an "...eh..."
When stbx and I went to court in March and he filed his papers, he actually wrote how he was enjoying long walks on the beach, hiking and playing tennis. At that time, I was so and hurt and maybe a bit jealous. I allowed myself to have those feelings and process them through IC, journaling, reading, posting here, reading here, etc.
I now truly don't give a shit about what he does. It's freeing. I am rebuilding my life and it's a fucking amazing one.
What are you doing for you?
Karma is another word for consequences of bad decisions. My X is being pounded by the karma bus, but it is all a result of his bad decisions
I'm 5+ yrs from D/S and FT has hit his. He married his ThaiTwatwife and they have a new baby. He's 74 and she's 40, they live in Thailand. His health is still bad and now gets to deal with a newborn, eventually a toddler, teething, and potty training when all he wants is a peaceful life.
My thoughts are, I'm no longer angry and certainly not jealous but just feel bad for an innocent baby to have such horrible parents. The life she will have knowing what I now know about FT and Twat makes me sad.
I know it's hard not to focus on how good their life seems now, while you're in such pain. BTDT, burned the t-shirt.
But now I'm over 5 years out from d-day #1, and divorced for almost 3 1/2 years. Sure, my life has its share of stress in it but overall, it's a good life again. Not because of the ex. Not because I ended up divorced. But because I'm stronger than I ever realized, and I've worked my ass off to rebuild my life.
Oddly enough, my ex-sil dropped off a Halloween goody bag at the house last week and not only included me in her note but put in a bottle of wine for me. This would be the 1st contact I've had with ex-in-laws in over 3 years. So I unblocked her on facebook and sent her a brief thank you. She wrote back and said she thinks of me often and asked how I was doing. I answered her without thinking and wrote that life was better than I ever thought it could be.
And it's the truth. My life is good again. In many ways it's so much better now. I think, for me, I had to let myself feel the immense pain in order to feel, and appreciate, the awesome joyfulness that was waiting for me on the other side of this journey.
Over the years, I've seen some pretty disheartening stuff. One family in particular I recall, the wife (K) left her husband and 3 kids for her AP (L). L left his wife and 4 kids for K and together, they had a pretty damn fine life. Neither had custody of their respective kids, and when visitation time came around, babysitters were called in for most of it. K and L's lives were full of money, vacations, parties and really great times.
This was in sharp contrast to the lives lived by the betrayed spouses. K's XH was a friend of the family. Even with the CS he received, he really struggled financially, but the emotional devastation he suffered was heartbreaking. He really tried to raise those kids as best he could, but he was truly a broken man after this whole episode. To this day, he's still suffering.
But the saddest thing I saw was those kids' relationships with K and L. This is the reason I don't buy into the whole "the kids will see the truth for themselves someday" shtick. Whether they saw their mother for who she really was or not, it didn't matter because somehow, their allegiance shifted. The betrayed XH was the one who was left out in the cold family-wise.
K and L are still together after almost 30 years. The XH is alone. The kids, now grown, spend no less time with the happy couple than they do with their dad. In fact, it appears they prefer spending time with their mom and her bf. I like to tell myself it's because the money there is abundant and free-flowing, but who knows?
Sometimes crappy people who do crappy things get rewarded handsomely while those who try to live a good life get punished. Life is not always fair.
Running, I understand your feelings and I'm sorry you're in this place. As difficult as it is, please try to focus on yourself. Do what you can to improve your life so that YOU can say that you are happier than you've ever been.
Don't worry about karma getting your XW...make your own for yourself.
(((Running the Race)))
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
Karma isn't a part of my worldview. I haven't seen it, haven't experienced it.
Ditto. But my life is better than it's ever been, despite the struggles.
“You know, um…I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe”
The bottom line is, bad things do happen to waywards not because some cosmic entity is doling out punishment, but as a natural consequence to their poor choices.
Instead I tend to think that when you are a bad person it eventually catches up to you because you continually make bad choices. Eventually you screw over the wrong person, or made a crappy choice that has consequences that rip that fake life apart. It'll happen eventually...