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Long Term Affairs after divorce -- do they marry?

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Nomorethankyou posted 10/6/2013 12:38 PM

I am in the legal proceedings stage of separation and truly can not wait to be done with the marriage. My stbxwh is very much with his affair partner. But I had kicked him out, he never outright left to be with her. But he is very much with her. Many sitings around town. He has never admitted as much to me and he has never introduced her to the kids.

We've been separate d16 months and actual divorce is realistically at least another 6-9 months away.

I am curious how many of these long term affairs actually turn into marriages? Are the stats different than other affairs? And don't get me wrong -- I won't nothing to do with him or her. But nor do I want her in that role with my children.

Oops I just realized maybe this should be posted in separation and divorce....forgive!

StillStanding1 posted 10/6/2013 12:50 PM

Wow. Our histories have many commonalities. Sorry we are here...

I just read in NJF (pg 94) that one study shows that only 10% of involved partners who left the M because of infidelity will end up marrying the AP.

One study, but interesting stat.

It sickens me to think that my poor kids could have to deal with OW as 'stepmom' if we can't R. Two of them found out about the A 6 months before I did. Now my youngest knows too. Do you think they could ever accept her (or want to? )

And don't they think that my kids would eventually tell her kids? Good Lord, they really delude themselves in a fantasy of how this can possibly all work out.

Glad you are finding the strength to walk away. I am slowly getting there. Wish I had more clarity. But good for you! I hope you or your children never have to deal with OW as 'stepmom'. Ugh. Awful.

(((NMTY)))

Nomorethankyou posted 10/6/2013 13:00 PM

You are still so early on. I am sorry. I had multiple d-days and frankly if the affair hadn't been outed, I think he would have left and their public plan was to start dating and fall in love. They had it all very planned. He believed our children would really like her.

With teenagers -- and I see you have two! -- there is so much talk out there that they are privy to, my high schoolers know what parents are fooling around. This stuff always comes out unfortunately.

The marriage stat you cite is low and I too have seen it but I wonder if these long term affairs have a different path.

And gosh even when you have made a decision, there is plenty of indecisiveness. I hope your kids are a source of support. Good luck.

StillStanding1 posted 10/6/2013 13:09 PM

I think you make a good point -- I would also assume that the LTA probability is likely higher.

Certainly, my WH and his OW were thinking this could all work out so neatly. I get that his "feelings" for her are "real", but what they don't seem to want to grasp is that those feelings didn't exist in a "real world". Even if they would've been "perfect" for each other, had they met earlier, they can't change the fact that their "special connection" took place while both were M to other people. Pretending you can erase 20 years and start out fresh, with no consequences or backlash (esp with kids involved) is just pure tom-foolery (not sure where that word came from... ).

Maybe someone out there has a better stat.

I hate what lessons our kids will learn from watching this -- especially if our WS M's the AP. I think about that a lot. I'm sure the WS justifies it as "I deserve to be happy and they should be happy for me". But, at what cost? So very profoundly sad....

hellzapoppin posted 10/6/2013 13:15 PM

My ExH has been with OW for (best guess) 16 years. Not married yet, 5 years after his D, 13 years since her D.

They fight a lot & have high school break-ups.

He's 58, she's 56.

She has grown kids who hate him with a passion.

Not sure what is holding back the formalization of Grand Passion but I will LMAO if I ever find out they are married b/c I know how he treats his wife.

inconnu posted 10/6/2013 13:20 PM

My ex did marry OW, but it took almost 3 years after the divorce was final. He had moved in with her during our divorce, btw. They've been married about 7-8 months now.

DS18 says wifetress seems really insecure, but he's also said that his dad and she seem happy. Who knows? More importantly, I don't care.

I'm not particularly thrilled that my kids have this woman as their step-mom but fortunately my kids are old enough, and way too smart, to let her be any sort of influence on them.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/6/2013 14:19 PM

that one study shows that only 10% of involved partners who left the M because of infidelity will end up marrying the AP.

What interests me with these stats is that I would guess that ANY relationship that lasts from a few months to a year or so, probably has no more than 10% chance the couple will marry.

I guess all I get from it is some of them do marry. My XH married the final OW. He even made some attempts to see if I would R with him after we were divorced. I said no. He insisted to our kids and everyone that he would never marry her. Yet he married her. And they have been married for over 20 years now. All I can say is that it sucks to be her. Yes she was involved with my kids' lives on weekends, but fortunately I don't think she had much overall influence on them.

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