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Newest Member: Saad (61538)

User Topic: Obsessed with OW. For how long?
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about her all the time
It's only just over 3 weeks since dday. There's been no TT and he's gone NC straightaway and the fog has lifted - that took about a week. She went through a stage of sending me foul texts until I blocked her. He phoned her on speaker to tell her it was over but she wouldn't accept it. He hasn't seen her since dday. I'm confident in his determination. He answers all my questions
I'm broken obviously and he's reading stuff on healing library and being so caring. He's a different man. Obviously I'm worried it won't last as how can I trust him etc
But right now I'm thinking about her all the time. What I will say if I see her. When will she turn up. How she thinks he will come back to her. How she believed all the shit of the day he fed her. Her. Always effing her. I'm sure this is a normal phase but how long can I expect it to last?
No doubt there's no answer
But had to ask anyway

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 33732
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a long time to stop obsessing. I still have moments when I have to stop myself from going there.

Your DDAy is so new that ther eis no answer, you are right there. Hopefully he is doing all he can to reassure you of the NC. It does make it easier.

Does he have her blocked on all his media? That was huge for me, he blocked her right away.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes blocked
And on mine as her response to his NC was to try to inhabit the high ground and send me texts
He isn't going back
He's doing anything
But she's in my head

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 34246
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't stop obsessing until I fell out of love with him. It took about three years. Now, I just don't care any more. I don't bother with the gps device in his car, the key-logger or the VAR. I am in that terribly sad place of total detachment.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
♀ 38789
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may never stop obsessing honestly. I am only 7 months out so I can't be positive, but I can tell you I am still obsessing. I have conversations with her in my head all the time, I imagine what I would do if I came face to face with her, I try out scenarios in my head. Would I punch her? Would I take the hugh road and be cordial and calm and classy? Would I tell her all the things I think she should hear? The fact that my husband never really loved her, that he now despises her, that he didn't come back to me because I forced him too, that he loves me, yada yada yada.... I have thought a lot about this. I wonder what she is doing now, I have daydreams about finding out that she has had something terrible happen to her (which makes me feel like a bad person) I look for her car wherever I go (even ridiculously when I was half the continent away for my brother's wedding)I frequently obsess about things that may or may not have happened between them... and the list goes, so anyway I know how you feel. I think it might be better for me than it used to be, I am working on trying to redirect my thoughts when I am obsessing, and I am starting to realize that she really truly doesn't matter, she is a damaged person who will probably never be happy and telling her how she made me feel will make no difference to how I feel, nor will punching her, or scratching "whore" into her car, even though it would be fun.

Me: 31 BS
Him:33 WS
Dday 3+ years ago
2 sons

Forgiveness means understanding, acceptance and giving up on looking back.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I realized pretty soon how broken she was, but nonetheless I couldn't help but obsess. And the threat was so real. And she had reached out to my children. Scary, yucky yuck.

I had some of my fastest training runs fueled by hate for her. But I also started to realize that I was more betrayed by my WH, he had made vows to me, she hadn't. Of course she had made them to her BH, but that isn't my problem either. But it is easier to be mad at her than at my own WH, right? The mix of love and anger was even scarier than the pure hate and anger toward ow.

So the obsession and anger at ow eventually faded into the background and the anger at WH for his betrayal came into the forefront. I don't on know how long it will last for you, but what you described seems totally appropriate and normal at this point post d day, take care of yourself.

Block her from your lives- make it harder to search her on social media or otherwise obsess about her. And maybe limit the time you obsess about her- journal it, punch a boxing bag, run fast, etc.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The obsession stopped for me when I fully embraced the concept that this wasn't about me (thank you SI!). It was about him. And by extension that means it wasn't about her either.

Poof. Obsession gone.

I will say however that I think running through certain scenarios (like what will you say if you see her) is actually a really good idea. This way you will be more prepared if it does happen.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 37439
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three weeks!
Ha! I was completely obsessive at least 7/8ths of the day was about her

But now my second antiversary (four days apart) where he confessed about main ow is tomorrow. I still think about her once a day or two days.

Can you believe that? I never thought that was possible. I was like "yeah fucking right maybe in two"

Maybe next anti-versary it will be once a week?
Hold in tight I thought I was going insane, but honestly it's natural (unless you actually 'smash her face in')

Be kind on yourself

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about 7 months out from DD. I was obsessed about OW for a solid 4 months and then off/on for another 2 and lately I am obsessed for about 1/2 a day a week. Some days I don't think about her at all. Some days I do.

What has helped me: knowing that I have power over her in that I could take her down (ruin her reputation on a charity board she is on, out her to her boss, etc.) but I don't. I just want her to go away and I know that the more I think about her or enacting some sort of revenge, the more power I give to her and I would rather use this energy for myself and giving myself what I need to heal.

Also meditating has helped me. There is a great talk by a neuroplasticity researcher on rewiring your brain. He talks about a simple breathing exercise you can do to clear your brain. On the inhale, you think "1;" on the exhale, you think "2." You do this for a minute...and anytime your mind wanders you return to the count on the inhale/exhale. It really helps clear your mind and retrain your brain to think less about stuff you don't want to think about. Listen to the lecture a couple of's about 30 min or so. It's really fascinating science about the brain. Here is the link:

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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