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Newest Member: Krissz (61514)

User Topic: DD is upset mommy and daddy are back together
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I were separated for 9 months after he discovered my A.

While we were separated we had split custody of our 4 year old daughter...she was with me at my parents house for 4 1/2 days a week and spent the rest of the time with my husband in our home.

We have been back in our home for two months and our DD keeps telling us she wants to go back to grandma and grandpa's house with mommy. At first she had a hard time adjusting and was acting out...bedtime was a nightly battle and she started to misbehave more often.

Her behavior has gotten better, but she still says she liked it better before. My BH and I have explained to her that mommy and daddy are trying to fix our problems and we are going to all live together now. We have reassured her that although she maybe having a hard time adjusting right now it will get easier for all of us.

I have noticed that when she and I are home alone her behavior is much different...she and I will have wonderful days together and her behavior and listening will be perfect...but then when my BH gets home she will start misbehaving and will no longer listen.

I'm not sure if this is her still adjusting or something else? My BH and I have different parenting styles, but tried to keep things consistent while we were separated.

I'm not sure what to do now we just give her more time to adjust to all the changes? My poor BH sometimes takes it personally that she will be good all day for me but then acts up once he is home.

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did not have a separation but we did have similar reactions from our kids. Post Dday both our DS3 and DD13 became very clingy to their mom. We have attributed it to her being distracted and emotionally absent from them during the A. After Dday she was available again.

I think they viewed me as a threat to her attention. I still get "Daddy get away, Mamma do it" a lot. It has gotten a lot better recently. It has really hurt my feelings on quite a few occasions.

How do they respond to him while you are not around?

When I am alone with them everything seems normal.

[This message edited by Chicho at 1:23 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 36521
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only venturing a guess here...your daughter's reaction probably has more to do with the change in her routine than with your bh. Did she get lots of attention from your parents while she was staying with them? She might miss that...she may even see bh as the part of the reason why your parents aren't there now...but it isn't that she doesn't want him...she may just want her grandparents too. Keep being consistent and provide a routine for you are doing.

Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 591 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi A24, my kids behave this way (when H arrives home) and we never did get separated. They act up whenever dad gets home. One on one with me or him, they are less rambunctious.

I am sure it is hard to beat the doting of grandparents! So much comfort for a 4 year old.

I know everyone is just doing their best but I have a 6 year old and if he heard that mom/dad are trying to "fix our problems" he would be confused. What does that mean exactly? How do you fix it? Am I a problem?

How about you spin it positively, "Mom and Dad love each other and we love you. This is our home and we are happiest all together."

But I want to live with G+G again!
"Honey, this is our home. This is where we live but we can visit G+G every fill in the blank"

Keep it short, loving and simple.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you LA. That is a much better way to explain it, and we will say it that way in the future.

I know a lot of it does have to do w her missing my parents and the attention that she got from them, especially my father. She is definitely a grandpa's girl.

I don't know how she is when I'm not here...I think she's ok cuz my husband usually says they have good days together...though they may argue every so often.

Since we have been back home we have started doing game night on Fridays after dinner...the three of us play board games until she goes to bed...No tv watching or cell phones allowed. She does seem to like this alot...special family time for all of us.

I am hoping that this adjustment will get easier for her as more time goes by.

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 37255
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were separated for 2 mos it was hell hell on me and me kids and my kids saw how awful he treated me before and after he left and me dd who was 15 at the time was a little mad I took him back the second time she I is 17 now and she still had issues but I think she is glad he came back

3 awesome kids and one grandson

Posts: 239 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortunately our dd who is 3 is fairly oblivious. Our ds who is 15 is just relieved his father (fwh) is emotionally available again. Dd who is 12 is a nightmare. She thought all the pre and during A shit was her fault (poor lamb) but now she won't believe things are different on one hand but resents the changes on another (Mum and dad showing affection, going on a date, her dad no longer confiding in her...)
I'm just giving her loads of attention and riding the storm. She doesn't know about the A and we didn't separate but fwh was in hospital in June with his bipolar so I think that's impacted on her more than anything
With all 4 year olds IME they divide and conquer with their parents. Hang on in there x

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 12580
Member # 12580
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with LA44... My 4 year old DD can be a complete angel all day with me, but as soon as dad walks in she just doesn't stop.

We never separated, so I would also chalk it up to testing the waters.

My daughter will even go as far to say she is going to find a new family (she's a drama princess)

Amd24 just do you best keeping a united front.

♥ Me: 31

♥ HiM: 32

♥ Married: 11 years

♥Kids: 10 year old DS 7 year old DD 5 year old DS♥

Posts: 473 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: NY
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH went out of town for a week. My kids were so upset...that I wasn't going too, so they could stay with G&G. I mean, chocolate chip cookies for breakfast and never hearing "no" is a pretty sweet life :)

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

Posts: 1523 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: The First Coast
Topic Posts: 9

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