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DD is upset mommy and daddy are back together

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Alyssamd24 posted 10/6/2013 13:10 PM

My BH and I were separated for 9 months after he discovered my A.

While we were separated we had split custody of our 4 year old daughter...she was with me at my parents house for 4 1/2 days a week and spent the rest of the time with my husband in our home.

We have been back in our home for two months and our DD keeps telling us she wants to go back to grandma and grandpa's house with mommy. At first she had a hard time adjusting and was acting out...bedtime was a nightly battle and she started to misbehave more often.

Her behavior has gotten better, but she still says she liked it better before. My BH and I have explained to her that mommy and daddy are trying to fix our problems and we are going to all live together now. We have reassured her that although she maybe having a hard time adjusting right now it will get easier for all of us.

I have noticed that when she and I are home alone her behavior is much different...she and I will have wonderful days together and her behavior and listening will be perfect...but then when my BH gets home she will start misbehaving and will no longer listen.

I'm not sure if this is her still adjusting or something else? My BH and I have different parenting styles, but tried to keep things consistent while we were separated.

I'm not sure what to do now though...do we just give her more time to adjust to all the changes? My poor BH sometimes takes it personally that she will be good all day for me but then acts up once he is home.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/6/2013 13:22 PM

We did not have a separation but we did have similar reactions from our kids. Post Dday both our DS3 and DD13 became very clingy to their mom. We have attributed it to her being distracted and emotionally absent from them during the A. After Dday she was available again.

I think they viewed me as a threat to her attention. I still get "Daddy get away, Mamma do it" a lot. It has gotten a lot better recently. It has really hurt my feelings on quite a few occasions.

How do they respond to him while you are not around?

When I am alone with them everything seems normal.

[This message edited by Chicho at 1:23 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Teach8 posted 10/6/2013 13:33 PM

I'm only venturing a guess here...your daughter's reaction probably has more to do with the change in her routine than with your bh. Did she get lots of attention from your parents while she was staying with them? She might miss that...she may even see bh as the part of the reason why your parents aren't there now...but it isn't that she doesn't want him...she may just want her grandparents too. Keep being consistent and provide a routine for her...like you are doing.

LA44 posted 10/6/2013 13:34 PM

Hi A24, my kids behave this way (when H arrives home) and we never did get separated. They act up whenever dad gets home. One on one with me or him, they are less rambunctious.

I am sure it is hard to beat the doting of grandparents! So much comfort for a 4 year old.

I know everyone is just doing their best but I have a 6 year old and if he heard that mom/dad are trying to "fix our problems" he would be confused. What does that mean exactly? How do you fix it? Am I a problem?

How about you spin it positively, "Mom and Dad love each other and we love you. This is our home and we are happiest all together."

But I want to live with G+G again!
"Honey, this is our home. This is where we live but we can visit G+G every fill in the blank"

Keep it short, loving and simple.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/6/2013 13:51 PM

Thank you LA. That is a much better way to explain it, and we will say it that way in the future.

I know a lot of it does have to do w her missing my parents and the attention that she got from them, especially my father. She is definitely a grandpa's girl.

I don't know how she is when I'm not here...I think she's ok cuz my husband usually says they have good days together...though they may argue every so often.

Since we have been back home we have started doing game night on Fridays after dinner...the three of us play board games until she goes to bed...No tv watching or cell phones allowed. She does seem to like this alot...special family time for all of us.

I am hoping that this adjustment will get easier for her as more time goes by.

16forever posted 10/7/2013 00:17 AM

We were separated for 2 mos it was hell hell on me and me kids and my kids saw how awful he treated me before and after he left and me dd who was 15 at the time was a little mad I took him back the second time she I is 17 now and she still had issues but I think she is glad he came back

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/7/2013 01:24 AM

Fortunately our dd who is 3 is fairly oblivious. Our ds who is 15 is just relieved his father (fwh) is emotionally available again. Dd who is 12 is a nightmare. She thought all the pre and during A shit was her fault (poor lamb) but now she won't believe things are different on one hand but resents the changes on another (Mum and dad showing affection, going on a date, her dad no longer confiding in her...)
I'm just giving her loads of attention and riding the storm. She doesn't know about the A and we didn't separate but fwh was in hospital in June with his bipolar so I think that's impacted on her more than anything
With all 4 year olds IME they divide and conquer with their parents. Hang on in there x

ImStillwaiting posted 10/8/2013 10:45 AM

I'm right there with LA44... My 4 year old DD can be a complete angel all day with me, but as soon as dad walks in she just doesn't stop.

We never separated, so I would also chalk it up to testing the waters.

My daughter will even go as far to say she is going to find a new family (she's a drama princess)

Amd24 just do you best keeping a united front.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/8/2013 11:14 AM

BH went out of town for a week. My kids were so upset...that I wasn't going too, so they could stay with G&G. I mean, chocolate chip cookies for breakfast and never hearing "no" is a pretty sweet life :)

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