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Lost hope. Today sucks.

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frigidfire86 posted 10/6/2013 15:04 PM

I'm on my phone so I don't really want to write my whole back story. The short version is that D-Day was 2.5 years ago and I have been in limbo since then. I'm finishing my degree so, if I do leave, I'll be able to get more than a minimum wage job to support my daughter.


These past 2.5 years I've had hope. Not much hope, especially recently, but some hope that my H would get his head out of his ass and finally go to MC with me and help me fix our M. It isn't a horrible M, but it isn't great either and I'd prefer to be single and happy than married and unhappy. My hope pretty much disappeared today. The specifics surrounding our conversation aren't really important, so I will just paraphrase.

ME: I'm not happy.
HIM: Why don't you make an appointment with IC?
ME: I was hoping (stupidly, I know) that you would actually do something (meaning make an appointment and actually go).
HIM: I'm not the one that needs it.

After that I was just silent, except for the occasional sobs that escaped. When we got home, after a bunch of errands and time for me to think, I decided to move upstairs. I told him and he asked "why"...because apparently he doesn't listen any time I open my mouth. He didn't seem to care and went in the kitchen to eat. I don't even know why our conversation earlier hurt so much. It's not the worst one we've had. Something just broke in me. I talked to my mother and most of her advice was good, except her telling me that my H and I shouldn't sleep in separate rooms. Now I'm second guessing my decision for, basically, an in-house separation. For a ton of reasons I can't move out, so S/D are off the table for now. Ugh. I'm not really looking for advice so much, just hugs really. Life sucks today.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 3:05 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

tushnurse posted 10/6/2013 15:24 PM

First of all, welcome. Second did you promptly kick him in the balls after he said that?

Third. Have you been to an attorney to find out what would happen should you file? If not do. Many assume that they have to stay and it simply isn't the case for many.

If you are miserable and your spouse is disrespectful to you that is a horrible way to live and is a horrible example to your little girl on how a woman should be treated. What a healthy marriage is. You don't deserve it and your daughter doesn't deserve it.

You have a plan. That is awesome. Congrats on working to improve your life. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home and loves their mom. I have to sy she is the last person I would take relationship advice from. She is bitter she stayed because she didnt have a choice and has had a good life but is still so angry even 40 years later. So if mom is giving advice consider where she is coming from.

You will only get respect by demanding it. It's ok to demand it. It's important to tell him exactly what you expect and need should he choose to not give it that just strengthens your knowledge and faith that you are heading in the right direction.

Keep posting keep questioning.

headdesk posted 10/6/2013 15:46 PM

It may have hit you hard today because you finally had that realization that nothing will change because every person is only responsible for their own actions and he's not willing to act.

It sucks. Don't feel guilty about moving into another room. It's better than putting yourself through hell just because.

My WH is still downstairs and will be there until I feel comfortable with him again - the difference is he's willing to make meaningful changes. So we're in the beginning steps of R. If he wasn't willing I'd be in the same boat as you. That doesn't reflect on you or me, but on THEM.


frigidfire86 posted 10/7/2013 11:33 AM

I moved upstairs today while my H was at work. I actually felt pretty good today, up until the time my H usually gets off work. I typically don't look forward to him coming home anymore. So, he gets home and at first we ignore each other. Then he asked how my day was and we made a little small talk. Finally, he told me he set up an IC appointment for tomorrow. What?!?! I've been asking for 2.5 years to go to MC and got nothing. Why the sudden change??? Part of me is slightly irritated, not only at the timing, but also because I've been asking for MC, not him to go to IC. I know, the rational part of my brain realizes that him doing any kind of counseling is great. He hates counseling. So I'm glad he's doing something. But at the same time, this isn't what I asked for and I can't help but be pissed that he suddenly wants to do it now, after I move upstairs and gave up on our M. Ugh. I'm sitting here wondering if that little bit of hope is going to come back. Right now I'm just frustrated and expect that he'll give up on this shortly, like he does everything else. Damn rollercoaster. I thought I was off this ride.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 11:35 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

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