Later that night I ask hubby if I handled this situation respectfully. He blows up. Talk about how I had to be the only one with the other shirt on, tight jeans, high heels, talk to a guy, didn't realize its a hit, and most specifically, refer to hubby as my buddy. I am still looking for external validation and I need to show him I could get any guy. Says That I'm in denial about needing external validation...
I apologize for everything say I'm sorry I just thought I had found us a place to tailgate and talk about values, how hard it is to be rude to pppl but I need to do it anyway.
He says to stop apologizing. Just don't if it. He's scared and he's over-reacting now because he wished he would have 3.5 years ago.
I just keep my mouth shut. There is nothing I can do but get up the next day and try again. He is very loving to me today, says he doesn't want me to stop being in love with him.
I reassure him. But I'm very tired...
[This message edited by rachelc at 3:42 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
Being honest with yourself, do YOU feel you dressed inappropriately and provocatively in order to receive male attention and external validation?
Is "just keeping your mouth shut" something you feel is productive to your reconciliation?
I'm not challenging you here, just wondering what your answers are.
The keeping my mouth shut - he wanted me to stop apologizing so I did. I also wAnted to make sure he felt heard and I can interject too much at times.
At the end though, he asked me if he acted respectfully and I called him on looking at some chic's tits, which he denies...,
I ended up crying over all this misunderstanding - or is it all disrespect still? But we went to sleep that night holding each other.
Bottom line- we're both still scared.
Do you both feel like you're both keeping score? Allowing temporary "victories" and "see, I told you so's" and momentary upper hands?
Again, just curious.
I think we are both terrified. We can't be too vulnerable yet, fall head over heels in love again because we can't bear to be hurt. In any way.
I'm asking a very scary question here in that are we both just keeping our options open in case things go south? Not from my perspective, I just want to be with him... But if he's interested in others it just won't work. . I'm sure the same is true for him. I need to make sure my actions reflect this....
[This message edited by rachelc at 5:26 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
Tell him you only want him. And that you will not hurt him. Let your actions speak on that.
Tell him your fears about if he's interested in others, and being hurt. HIS actions need to speak on that.
My wife and I had date night Friday. She is a betrayed. She dressed chic/sexy and I felt so happy to be in her life. To have her believe in me and us. Flirting with her all night was great. Losing to her in pool, not great.
I hope you and your husband will get past your Catch-22 sounding, and terrifying state. The falling in love all over again thing for me has been so savory and nourishing that it's blown the aftertaste of the "stale affair kibble" I so eagerly gobbled up right out of my mouth. I'm no expert at the intricacies of reconciliation, but I feel that's a good sign.
I root for people here on R, in my heart, because hope for one is hope for all.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:36 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
That's the step on boundaries that I am just getting. Taking into account W boundaries and including them in mine.. I get exactly where he was coming from and hopefully he doesn't rugsweep his feelings about it. Creates a cycle, ever feel like the same thing keeps repeating?
Not sure these stranger/party-type situations are very marriage-friendly. That is just my view, though.
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
Taking into account W boundaries and including them in mine.. I get exactly where he was coming from and hopefully he doesn't rugsweep his feelings about it
yes, you're all right. I'm glad I brought it up so we could talk about it... I knew something wasn't right....
You need to be more aware of the intentions others may have
I'm not sure why this is always a problem for me... but it would involve turning my thinking around where I interpret every sitution as "ok, what does this person want." That is.... diappointing, but probably the right thing to do. ugh.
just my two cents..
turning my thinking around where I interpret every sitution as "ok, what does this person want."
I think in order for our boundaries to be firmly put in place, we must be aware of another's motives.
Equally important is asking, how is my BS going to feel about this? Does this make him feel safe?
Later that night I ask hubby if I handled this situation respectfully.
Good for you for asking. It sounds as if it certainly needed to be discussed, and it sounds as if he might not have brought it up on his own.
He blows up. Talk about how I had to be the only one with the other shirt on, tight jeans, high heels, talk to a guy, didn't realize its a hit, and most specifically, refer to hubby as my buddy.
I wanted to look nice. Hubby was on my arm the entire time.
Right now, in particular, it seems as if it would be a very good idea for you to be dressing not to please yourself but to please your husband. As him how he feels about the way you dress and how he would like for you to dress. Before you go out, ask him how you look -- not to fish for compliments but to try to get his opinion BEFORE something like that happens again. If he asks you why you care (and I can imagine some BH's asking that question very angrily), tell him that you want to know because you care about his feelings. No matter what, don't be defensive about it, but if he doesn't like the way you're dressed, go change into something that meets his approval. NOTE: I'm not telling you to give him control over you or all your wardrobe decisions, but suggesting that it might be helpful if you go out of your way to take his feelings into account in an area that's obviously a trigger for him.
And when you introduce him, never, ever leave any doubt that he's your husband. Having your hands all over him is not enough to do that, and referring to him as your "buddy" may have even been counterproductive on that front. And I know this isn't what happened, but never forget to introduce him to begin with. (I'm also preaching to myself here -- I'm really bad about failing to introduce my wife.)
[He said] I am still looking for external validation and I need to show him I could get any guy. Says That I'm in denial about needing external validation...
Maybe you have a need for external validation, and maybe you don't. If you do, maybe you're in denial about it, and maybe you're not. Your husband's comments are information for you to use in sorting that out, but you have to sort it out for yourself, not merely assume he's correct. For now, the important thing is how you behave. Knowing why you behave in a certain way can sometimes help you change those behaviors, but I'll almost guarantee that you'll never figure out all the answers to why you make some choices. The good news is that it's not always necessary to know all of those answers (although it may be very frustrating and unsatisfying for your BH when you can't answer the question), and you can certainly BEGIN to work on changing your behavior even if you don't have all the answers.
[This message edited by ResoluteH at 2:55 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
I wanted to look nice.
Rachel, I may be completely off the mark so if I am, ignore. I remember you posting a while back about your mother, (I think I was) and the pressure she put on you when you were younger to be attractive and beautiful.
If I'm not mistaken, you continue that pattern. Working out, dressing to the 9s, also carrying that to your own children because I remember a blow up with your daughters in regards to weight and a wedding recently, yes?
Why this constant pressure to be sexy and beautiful? Who are we trying to impress? Who are we trying to be beautiful for? Is it validation and "admiration" from others? Is it that we feed off those compliments and comments?
We all know being a bangin' size 0 Barbie isn't going to prevent our spouses from cheating anymore than someone looking like Shrek makes someone cheat. That has nothing to do with it.
Does your husband require/like that you dress this way? Didn't you two have a blow-out not long ago because he felt you dressed too sexy?
I agree that he doesn't have the right to dictate that. But I think you should look at your motives and the drivers of the pressure to be so perfect and sexy.
Do we want to be pretty/sexy/whatever? Absolutely. What woman doesn't want to be pretty? But I think we really need to check our motives. Why?
So it makes me furious when he makes comments about the way I dress being that's how he likes his women, apparently.
This is a major source of your problem right here. You need to talk this out with him. You can't assume what he likes or doesn't like anymore than he should assume what you like or don't like.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I received no such message from my mother.
You may be right about the other stuff, not sure.
It MAY have something to do with the OW. One told him she liked high heels and nice clothes. So it makes me furious when he makes comments about the way I dress being that's how he likes his women, apparently.
I know logically it didn't matter what or how the OW looked.
If I was doing this to punish him I wouldn't have worn my coat.
If it keeps coming up, it is an issue that needs to be addressed.
How would you have dressed if you weren't trying to look nice for your H?