I wish I were closer, emotionally, and by location, to my dad. I have contemplated moving back out west many times since I became an adult, because as you'd expect, my relationship with my mom is strained. I have carried a lot of resentment over the years towards her for the way she treated me, and the way she treated my brother (who she refuses to even acknowledge his existence these days. She hasn't seen him since he was 13, and she has no intention to ever see him again. He is 33 now.) My brother has fared far worse than I emotionally, and spiritually, from the damage she inflicted on us as children. I am getting closer to my dad as I get older, but not nearly as close as I'd prefer, but it's partially due to the distance (he lives in Oregon, I live in Florida), and partially because we both tend not to speak unless we have something important to say (people of few words). We do tell each other that we love each other, but we are both bad at reaching out and talking just to connect. It's always been that way. I am a lot like him, even though I'm not genetically his. THANK GOD. I am beyond thankful for the person he is, and how he's treated me, and I hold onto that today. But it doesn't stop how much I am angry at my mom. It doesn't stop the tears from flowing when my heart hurts because of how mean spirited she has been towards a man a thousand times better than she ever was. She's accused him of so much, but absolutely none of it matches up with the man I grew up knowing, and the man I know today. What it looks like, looking back, is she never wanted her secret to come out, and the only way she could see to do that was drive a wedge between my dad and I so we'd never have an opportunity to discuss it. Almost a year ago, I pushed my mom out of my life, for other reasons than this revelation (which I only learned a few weeks ago), and this is the second time I've walked away from her, and the toxicity she pours into my life. I have a 12 year old son who I am fiercely protective of, and I do NOT, under any circumstances, want him exposed to the same toxicity I was, and every time she gets close to letting that flow in front of him, I've pulled him away from her. I feel bad, as a mother, that my son wants to spend time with her, and he loves her, but I have to tell him no, and I can't tell him why (I WON'T tell him why. Maybe when he is an adult, if he asks, but I won't poison his childhood with the same bitter, angry speech about her, that she did about my father, no matter how much I want to.) But I know, in the end, I am making the best choice I can for him. He can reach out to her, on his own terms, when he is an adult, but by GOD he will not be poisoned by her while he is still a child. My child. He will not grow up broken.
My own marriage to his father was also tainted by infidelity, with his father cheating on me just 3 weeks after our son was born, and he continued to fool around and hide/destroy credit card bills and such to keep me from suspecting. For 8 years I kept hoping he'd change, that he'd come home after work like he said he would, or be home from a "couple drinks with the guys" in time for dinner like he promised. Or that I wouldn't find the credit card bill this month shredding in the waste bin. But I always did. I finally walked away in 2008. Best decision I ever made. My son to this day thinks I left his father "for no reason" because I wouldn't tell him why. And he holds a bit of a grudge sometimes when he wishes we were still together. But if that's the worst I have to deal with to keep from repeating my mother's mistake of bad-mouthing my dad, so be it. CHEATING SUCKS. God, it destroys so much. It took me 5 years to really recover from the emotional and self-esteem damage my ex-husband caused with cheating, and to really trust someone again. I can only imagine how hard it was for my dad to go through the same thing, and to see me, a constant reminder of my mom's betrayal.