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changedlife posted 10/6/2013 16:20 PM

I should have been more considerate and thought of this way sooner, but as I've already discussed. I am a people pleaser, and I get into bad situations because I am not geniune and stick up for myself. There has been times I haven't stuck up for my own values or my BS feelings because of this.

I want to do the right thing. So today, I removed some of the "friends" of the affair from my Facebook. I'm not looking for a pat on the back because I should have done this way sooner.

I have a question though. Should I email these former "friends" and let them know that I don't want anything to do with them from now on? One of them is a former employer who has given me a really good reference.

I had a hard time doing this because I always thought that he helped me out when I went through a divorce previously by giving me a job. However, now I can see that taking me to vegas to strip clubs and bars drinking with the OW wasn't in my best interest. He didn't care about the integrity of my own beliefs and asked me to work meetings, etc with the OW. These work meetings were more or less just drinking at bars. I know that he didn't make me do anything. I just feel the need now to not associate with people like this. My BS does not like him for obvious reasons that are more clear to me now.

Is removing him as my friend, and ignoring future contact enough? Or should I trash his letter of recommendation and email him letting him know that I am trying to change and I won't be hanging out with him anymore?

[This message edited by changedlife at 4:26 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

LosferWords posted 10/6/2013 17:30 PM

My suggestion, and this goes along with what I personally did, is to completely block these people on facebook. If you do that, then it appears to them like you no longer exist on facebook.

I personally did not feel a need to contact any of the people that I blocked. They weren't friends of the marriage, and ergo, not true friends of mine.

If they contact you, then perhaps you can let them know that you have been readjusting your priorities in your life, etc., or however you want to word it in a firm, yet non-hostile way (impersonal and indifferent are good ways to carry yourself here), that you no longer wish to stay in touch with them.

Removing these people from your life is a good action, by the way. Nicely done!

changedlife posted 10/6/2013 18:46 PM

Thank you for the advice. I've blocked all the people I removed. If they contact me again in the future I will let them know that I am moving on and do not want to further my relationship or friendship with them. Thanks again.

skipjacktuna posted 10/9/2013 08:37 AM

I actually deactivated my facebook completely. Now there is no ambiguity. My wife is more important to me than FaceBook is.

I don't think you need to email anyone with an explaination. If they reach out and ask, just tell them where you are. Otherwise, what I'm learning is that less = more in terms of contact.

[This message edited by skipjacktuna at 8:38 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Sienna500 posted 10/9/2013 09:35 AM

I'm not usually one to give advice but delete and block and don't give any reason or email.

changedlife posted 10/9/2013 09:36 AM

I actually deactivated my facebook completely. Now there is no ambiguity. My wife is more important to me than FaceBook is.

I've given my password to my bGF and ultimately I think down the road I will deactivate it, or eventually if we get married make a joint account. I'm not sure. I just want to be accountable and help her feel safe.
Thank you for your advice.

Lilypad posted 10/10/2013 14:49 PM

I deactivated my Facebook eons ago.

I personally hate Facebook. Have never really understood the appeal of it to be honest.

Darkness Falls posted 10/10/2013 14:52 PM

I deactivated my FB after D-day, even though it had nothing to do with my affair.

My social circle keeps telling me to get it back, but I don't see the need for it at this time. Maybe someday when XH and I have kids, we can have a joint page to share pics with family.

ETA: My former boss once said, "Facebook (and most social media) is just another way for people to hurt each other." From my experience, can't say I disagree. I think it's easy for sites such as FB to turn people back into teenagers if they're not careful with how they use it. JMHO.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 2:54 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

breakingpoint posted 10/13/2013 19:23 PM

I think contacting these people in anyway initiates a dialog and potentially starts drama. I say you have done enough.

KBeguile posted 10/14/2013 21:22 PM

My wife is more important to me than FaceBook is.

This. This. A million times this.

WPaul posted 1/5/2014 21:24 PM


The whole Facebook thing is a big argument with my BS.

She wants me to get rid of it, and I don't want to. She has the password to it (she changed the password and told me what it was), as well as my E-mail accounts. I think that should be enough, and she does not.

I use it for sharing photos with family and friends. I have reduced the number of "friends" on Facebook, and may trim the list further.

My BS does not like it because it was one of the many means of communication (including landline, cellphone, E-mail, Skype) that I used to contact my AP. As well as giving her the passwords to the E-mail accounts I also changed my cell phone number. I have looked at changing my landline number, but if I do I will loose an important function, which we really cannot do without, so, for the moment, that is staying as it is, but I will keep asking the phone company if they have changed their minds about that.

Happy New Year, everyone.

pointofnoreturn posted 1/5/2014 22:01 PM

My advice is to not contact them, and just block them like others have said. To the blocked people, it'll just look like you had deleted your Facebook. If you contact them, you'll most likely open a can of worms with, "WHY???" which you don't have to deal with.

In my assertiveness sessions I'm doing with IC, one of the personal rights you have is to say no to anything, without having to justify it with a reason. You are under no obligation to talk with these people or have anything to do with them. You don't owe them anything.

What you do owe is making amends with your BS. Not to say you aren't trying, of course! But what I'd do is just talk this out with your BS. What is she comfortable with? If you keep your account, can you give her access to it and run any PMs or Friend Requests you get by her before accepting/deleting? Or would she feel more safe just getting rid of the whole thing?

Personally, I talked with my BBF about it, and he was comfortable with me having a Facebook, probably because I don't use it much other than "Look at this funny link I found!" He has the password if he ever needs it.

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