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Not enough bleach (or kerosene) in the world

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Hope2B posted 10/6/2013 17:17 PM

WH tried to kiss me on the lips the other day--not some big French or romantic soft-lipped kiss, just a sorta peck on the lips.

I quickly turned away and said there is not enough bleach or kerosene in the world to clean his lips and mouth because I know they were not only on her body, but between her legs.

I think someone hit him with a Stupify Spell when he hooked up with her & kept going back for more, 2 to 3 times a month for YEARS, always bringing money to help her with her bills every time he saw her (and she "thanked" him with sex).

He told me yesterday that he really believed he was her one and only ("client" is the word he avoided because he still thinks he was special to her, but is coming to realize she really IS A 100% PROSTITUTE).

So, IS there enough bleach or kerosine in the world to clean the mental stink of her, off of him?

I cannot see, at this point in time, WH and I ever having sex, although--as the need arises and right now I'm numb and have an aversion to his touching me--I will use him for foreplay, just for me, me, me to take care of myself (dammit, he's really good at foreplay--and lousy at any other "performance" or "size" or "duration") and he can go into another room and finish himself off. I've become cold and heartless right now.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:20 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 10/6/2013 17:24 PM

I am sorry, Hope2B.

Are you trying to reconcile? Is your WH remorseful? What are his actions telling you?

Hope2B posted 10/6/2013 18:04 PM

Hi, SisterM,

We are doing MC and IC. He says he wants to R. He says he is remorseful, but he's parroting words as far as I'm concerned--words that he's read in After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You. Maybe there will be more headway after our MC appt tomorrow.

He says he is trying to be more thoughtful because it's always been about him him him (that's a new acknowledgement, which is good), but he's falling down on that job. Words are cheap.

We had a friend (who knows nothing about the A) over for dinner last night, I cooked (which I enjoy), WH set the table, made sure he had a beverage and our friend had a beverage but nothing for me. I called him on it by gently saying "Remember we talked about your being more thoughtful? There's something missing at my place." He used a resentful voice and asked what did I want to drink.

Slightly embarrassing moment ensued, as I replied in kind and said "Don't speak to me like that because you dropped the ball. I'd like some water please."

Today, met SIL & BIL for brunch--they are also unaware of the A. He had a beverage in front of him, and I had mine in front of me a tiny bit off to one side. He reaches to where my glass is--totally bypassing his own glass, which is full--and takes mine and drinks it. I draw his attention to it & commented about his being self-serving instead of thoughtful.

He has a long way to go. I'm working on myself and issues, and issues that I couldn't address because he never told me, I didn't know we had them--even when I asked about some things--and I'm not omniscient.

His actions are telling me he is a lazy, self-centered bastard who is living in a Happy Hank-centric world, and he needs reminding of how to behave as a thoughtful and compassionate adult.

His actions also tell me that change is difficult for him when it's not about him, or when it's not serving him in some way...and I acknowledge that could just be my frustration putting such a negative spin on things.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 6:04 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

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