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I am done. WH threw ring at me.

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topperoff22 posted 10/6/2013 17:24 PM

WH kept pushing me today to tell him why I was upset. I was upset because he never explained the situation to his family and also led to me believe some things about his sister, therefore I yelled at his sister in a few texts and misunderstandings ensued. SO I told him today, because he pushed that I feel like he does not stand up for me, but couldn't get out "with your family" because he blew up. Absolutely blew up.

At first he said "Fine.if you believe that fine..." and then he got choked up and then he said "FIne..I will just move out tonight and blah, blah, blah" It is what he does EVERY time he says he wants to talk. He ends up yelling at me and turning himself into a victim. It is bizarre. I am convinced he really has mental problems.He started taking pictures of himself off the wall and said he was moving out tonight...and seriously? All I said was "sometimes I feel like you don't stand up for me -" and nothing else. I couldn't get anything else. SO I told him I wasn't talking to him anymore because this is what happens when I tell him how I am feeling. THe same thing happened yesterday when I tried and this is after he told the MC he would NOT blow up when I share feelings because I had told her that is why I do NOT talk about what I am feeling with him

When i screamed this at him he took the family photos and threw them across the bedroom and they shattered. He came at me..I Don't remember what he was saying and slammed the door open and was screaming something about hating to hear this stuff about him and there are obviously more issues I've had with him for years and ...I don't even know what because he freaked me out and I hid behind the bed and started sobbing. That's when he ripped his ring off his finger and flung it at my head. He told me he isn't going to anymore sessions and he is moving out.

Later he tried to talk to me but I refused...I went into our backyard with our son - who heard all of this because once again he started a screaming match while our son was home -- so that if he did anything else our neighbors would see and hear it.

HE sent our son inside and tried to talk to me but I wouldn't. THere is no way I wanted him throwing more at me. I went to the other side of the house with my knees pulled up to my chest and he finally came over, put the ring in front of me and told meto find someone who could wear it who wouldn'tterrify me and treat me as horrible as he has.

This is the fourth time he has either flung that thing at my head or handed it to me and I'll be damned if I'm giving it back to him this time. I gave it back to him another time he gave it to me and told me he had to earn it because I told him we were working on this together. But he has taken it off or handed it to me twice now since then.
Honestly? He is so dramatic and a martyr and I really think narcisstic or something.

Today freaked me out. I can't talk to him ... he is mentally ill. I have no idea what to do? I really want him to move out and I want to tell him I will not even consider anymore MC unless he starts to see an IC every week. He went to one once and then said he was too busy this past week.

I am really at a loss now.Just at a loss. HE did this and he keeps saying he understands he did, but then he keeps saying things like "I know I am a horrible person..don't you think I know that? Don't you think this is killing me?"

WTH? You would think I was the one who cheated on him the way he talks. It's ridiculous! How can he turn a situation where I was betrayed into a situation where he is the poor victim.

Josephine01 posted 10/6/2013 17:35 PM

Wow, topper, I am convinced he has problems too. I think that you are making a wise move. He sounds like he may become physically abusive to you or your son if this doesn't end. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Hugs and love to you.

Tired05 posted 10/6/2013 17:39 PM

"I know I am a horrible person..don't you think I know that? Don't you think this is killing me?"

Very eerie. My WH has said this exact thing word for word many times... It always happens after I share my feelings during a really bad day as well. In my experience, it seems that my WH has to make himself the victim. If i'm talking about how destroyed I am...he starts going on the "What about me?!?!?!?!? I'm hurting too!" thing. Then he begins saying things like "What are we going to do? Do you think this will even work?" and so on, but when I say "Ok, we'll just separate." He immediately replies back with no's... Then he'll promise me the moon and the stars and be the model WS for a week...then he slowly goes back to his ways and stops putting in effort and becomes very self absorbed again.

I don't know what is wrong with these men. I'll lurk around in this thread to see what others say. I don't really have advice. I've been looking into npd online and my WH seems to at the least have many of the traits.

I haven't experienced the rage in person because he is overseas, but I hope I don't. I imagine that whole situation was very terrifying, not only for you, but for your son.

If I were you, I would just take his ring and put it somewhere safe. He doesn't want it. And it doesn't mean anything to him anyway.

brkn_heartd posted 10/6/2013 17:39 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. My opinion would be to let him leave right now. I know it is scary to think of being alone, but I think it is scary for him to be there. If he is throwing objects in the house and at you, your safety and your son's safety is in jeopardy. It is time for him to leave and get things figured out. After he does a lot of work and get treatment, you can decide if you want him back.

This is his problem not yours. It is understandable why you don't talk with the violent outbursts like this. I wouldn't talk either. Right now take care of yourself and your son. Your son is watching and absorbing this behavior. If you let your husband stay, he see's this is an ok way to handle a relationship.

Take care of yourself right now. Keep a phone with you and ready to call 911 if he acts out again. Keep yourself and son safe! This behavior can escalate.

AppleBlossom posted 10/6/2013 17:47 PM

Tooperoff, I wouldnt say this man has mental health issues, he is just very immature and very, very selfish. He is deflecting the issue away from him so that it becomes your problem.

Even when he knows he has hurt you, he has to act the martyr so that somehow you will comfort him. The grand and emotional gestures are to force your hand. Because you have stayed and given him the ring back before, he thinks it will happen again. What he doesnt realise is that every time he plays that card, it loses a little more of its effect.

I think you did really, really well in not engaging with him after he did that. What a terrible, horrible weekend it must have been for you and your son.

LA44 posted 10/6/2013 17:53 PM

Give your last note and now this one...(((topperoff22)) So sorry.

WTH? You would think I was the one who cheated on him the way he talks. It's ridiculous! How can he turn a situation where I was betrayed into a situation where he is the poor victim.

I am glad you are clear headed and see how wrong he is.

Do NOT engage. DO not give the ring back. Leave it where it is or put it on the bathroom counter above the toilet. As Apple said, he is deflecting. This isn't a game. This is real life and he needs to grow up and get some help.

How old is your son? It really bothers me that he is hearing this.

Tired05 posted 10/6/2013 17:55 PM

The grand and emotional gestures are to force your hand. Because you have stayed and given him the ring back before, he thinks it will happen again.

I wonder if, to him, it is like he is giving a test to you to see if he still has control over you or to see if you love him...

Maybe it is a form of ego kibbles that he gets when you give him the ring back? "I must be amazing/she must really love me if I can do this and she gives me the ring back." Then the next time he has to raise the stakes to get the same reassurance...

mellie99 posted 10/6/2013 17:55 PM

First of all, big hug to you. So sorry you've had to put up with this.

I've had my husband throw his wedding ring at me before; he bit it in half (soft gold) and completely destroyed it on a trip we took years ago because he was angry about something that was totally blown out of proportion. He later bought himself a new one and apologized, but to this day I think it's one of the most melodramatic things he's ever done.

Sounds to me like your H could really stand to have some IC; he CLEARLY has a lot of issues he needs to sort out that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your behavior. There's no way you'll ever be able to work on all the other things until he can get himself together. I agree with the others that it's time for him to go if he's having violent outbursts like that; you and your son deserve better.

It really sounds like he's trying to blameshift and is not willing to take any responsibility for his actions right now. I'm still pretty new to all this, but I feel like as long as this is the case trying for R is pretty pointless right now. You need to take care of you and your child and let him do his own thing for awhile. I wish you the best of luck.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 5:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 10/6/2013 18:01 PM

Topper, I have the VERY, VERY strong feeling that your WH is still hiding a lot of secrets from you.

He is a long way from being anywhere *near* being able to put forth a true effort at R with you. I'm sorry. I know that isn't what you want to hear.

The very next time that big bully tells you that he's going to move out.....go to the closet, grab the bag that you've packed for him, calmly hand it to him, and then turn around and walk to a room that has a locking door. Shut that door and lock it until he leaves.

If he ever acts threatening towards you or starts throwing stuff around the cops on him. No passes on this and no minimizing his behavior in your mind. If he behaves badly, let him explain himself to the cops.

(the reason that I didn't suggest asking him to leave, is that I think that will just encourage him to ramp up his *I'm a victim* crap AND I don't think he'd go anyway.....)

eta: A little over a year ago, I started a post titled "He threw his ring into the woods." (now)Stbx had taken his wedding ring off and put it on the counter one day because he was being all butt-hurt and spiteful because I wasn't wearing mine. I tucked it away and wouldn't give it back to him. Told him that he needed to decide whether he was going to commit to the M or not and if he decided that he could do that, he could go and buy himself another ring. So a few days later he shows up sporting a new ring. Okay. FF 3 weeks.....he's now in a snit because I won't actually *say* the word "reconciliation." He takes the NEW ring off and launches it into the woods. He sure *showed* me, didn't he?
Your WH is a child (in a man's body) who needs to grow the hell up. And there's not a darn thing that YOU can do to make that happen......

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 6:17 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

topperoff22 posted 10/6/2013 18:55 PM

Your WH is a child (in a man's body) who needs to grow the hell up. And there's not a darn thing that YOU can do to make that happen......

This is exactly what my sister in law just told me. That and no grown ass man should act like this and continue to play the victim card.

She said some other choice things I won't write here, but she said he definitely acts like he has to be the victim at every turn.

webmistress posted 10/6/2013 22:20 PM

I find it interesting that he explodes and blame shifts whenever you start talking about things. Given how recent your ddays are, I think it's possible (even probable, considering his behavior) that he's still having an A. Blowing up and starting fights for no reason is straight from the cheaters handbook.

Two days before my dday, I wanted to discuss a budget with H. My friend is an accountant and had made a spreadsheet for us to follow. I told him about it, and he was a total dick to me.....for no reason! Suddenly we were embroiled in such a fight that I started hyperventilating. I couldn't get a breath, and so drove myself to the ER (his parting words being "this is all in your head.") It wasn't in my head. At first they thought I had a blood clot in my lung, but it turns out I just had a nasty case of bronchitis. When I got home at 2am, H was asleep. He hadn't bothered to check on me while I was at the ER, and was apparently so unconcerned, he ddnt lose a wink of sleep. Of course now I know he was still carrying on with his pregnant OW at the time.

My point is, I agree that he should move out. Whether it's mental illness, immaturity, or an affair still in progress, you need to put some space between him and your household. Flipping out like that in front of your son is unacceptable.

SI Staff posted 10/7/2013 04:30 AM

Bumping in hopes that others will read and give support.

topperoff22 posted 10/7/2013 05:07 AM

Thank you SI staff. I'm really scared today. I've only had a few hours sleep. He called me from work last night bawling and crying, hysterical and wanting to hurt himself. I can't be his therapist while trying to heal from all this too. I am scared because he said this "What I did scared even me.." Um.....that sounds to me like he's getting desperate and not in control anymore. I'm so frightened ... In an hour I get my son up and the bus will take him to school. I will be alone in the house. THe worst my husband has EVER done was yesterday....usually he stomps out like a child. Is this because more and more of who he pretended to be is unraveling? I'm really scared and wish I could talk to the MC alone today. :(

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/7/2013 05:34 AM

Topper, I have the VERY, VERY strong feeling that your WH is still hiding a lot of secrets from you.


I know that you're very concerned and scared. My thought is that he does have serious mental health issues. He seems tormented, as though he is harboring guilt from a horrible offense, or worse yet, something horrible he is still doing. Whatever it is, his taking the pictures off the wall while sobbing sounds like a scene out of Psycho.

Whether it is simple immaturity and selfishness, or behavior being displayed due to a mental illness, your H has one or more serious problems., IMO. Stay safe.

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/7/2013 05:37 AM

...just reread your post.

I went to the other side of the house with my knees pulled up to my chest and he finally came over, put the ring in front of me and told meto find someone who could wear it who wouldn'tterrify me and treat me as horrible as he has.

I hope you'll accept his offer.

jjct posted 10/7/2013 06:18 AM

topper, you're in a cycle of abuse. (google it)
Please do whatever you can to stay safe.
Keep the phone on you, ready to call the cops. Hell, call them now & make a report!
Do you have friends or family who could come stay with you?

DO NOT respond to his histrionic bawling bullshit - and make a plan to end this.
NO ONE deserves abuse.

Bluebird26 posted 10/7/2013 06:19 AM

I would be heading to your local police department, he emotionally and physically abusive. Please get you and your son to a safe place.

heme posted 10/7/2013 06:51 AM

Please PLEASE listen to these people trying to help you. I spent my whole childhood in an abusive household and even though only part of it was directed at me I still live with watching my mom abused. Don't do that to your son. Get help and leave! NO one deserves to live with what your husband is doing to you. You are worth far FAR more than that.

anewday78 posted 10/7/2013 07:24 AM

You're doing the right thing by not engaging him during these outbursts. So far you've been lucky that nothing super violent has occurred. It's clear he cannot control his anger and have a conversation about even the smaller issues. What happens when it's time to talk about the big things? People like this are ticking time bombs. One of these days, the rage will overcome him and he'll snap. You owe it to yourself and your son to not be there when that happens. You're safer without this man's presence - no matter how much you love him or how much he says he loves you. I hear it in the news every day. A lot of women don't try to get out until its too late. You're not getting anywhere with him. He's already acknowledged that he's a "terrible person." Those are HIS words. Take them for their literal meaning and GET OUT NOW. If sometime down the line he addresses his issues with a professional and proves to you he's changed, then maybe you can consider R but I'd imagine that type of transformation takes a great deal of time and commitment and A LOT of intensive therapy. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's already told you through his actions he's not willing to go through those motions. That said, you now have to ask yourself, "what's left?"
Please take his rage seriously. It's as serious as cancer. He WILL end up hurting you if you don't create some physical distance between him and yourself. This is not healthy and now it's happening in front of your son - it's gone too far.
We're all sending you strength and positive thoughts.

topperoff22 posted 10/7/2013 07:45 AM

You are all freaking me out. My H hasn't been like this our whole marriage. This is a very stressful time. i'm not saying you aren't right in him needing to be gone...but is he really abusive during such a stressed out time? What kind of upsetting episodes did any of you have after finding out about an A? That question is serious and not sarcastic. That being said I am taking the precautions all of you have suggested. My family is aware of the situation and is calling off and on to check on me andI think my Dad is about to drive the hour to my house to just sit outside and watch the house.

My so is seeing a counselor and while he didn't see this he heard it. We will be talking to his counselor on Wednesday...actually I will..I'm the one who takes him.

I so appreciate teh support and advice so I hope you understand my questions are just questions, not sarcastic remarks! THank you all and if you pray, please pray for wisdom, guidance, peace and knowledge.

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