Earlier today someone posted that her H did not want to provide a timeline bc he felt it would do more harm than good.
Tough nuts there buddy. Start writing! Easy for me to say. My H provided one before I even knew to ask. Of course it infuriated me but it provided clarity where there was chaos, helped me stop imagining things and focus on the facts which were truly awful. The timeline and questions that follow help us re-frame our lives during this time.
What I did though was create my own timeline and wrote it directly under his. [bold]I then gave it to him so he could see what was going on in REAL LIFE while he was in the land of "you're so wonderful/no you are!"
It was a real eye opener. At first he could barely read
Him: Left day early for golf weekend with guys to spend night in hotel with AP.
Me: I took boys to childcare, playgroup, Dr. appoint., and woken up 3x/night only to do it again for 4 more days.
Him: Stayed with her at Jan conference.
Me: Took boy #2 with you on that trip (I guess to lessen guilt) and had my sister take care of him for one night. She was still recovering from radiation treatment.
Him: Saw her often throughout our stay at your parents' house Summer 2010
Me: My parents were hosting us. You were drinking the beer dad bought, eating the dinners mom made and using their car for "client" meetings.
One poster (thanks 3boys!) commented on what a great idea this was so I thought I would share. Maybe it belongs in JFO our General tho?
[This message edited by LA44 at 5:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
Unfortunately, mine would have to be a lot more vague than yours. It still would put things more in perspective for both of us, though. Many will know exactly what they were doing whilst their WS where elsewhere and I feel this can be very useful to them.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Of course for me, I know the times of his actual events (sex 4 times, oral sex 3) and 3 out of 7 I was home taking care of our son. The other 4 I was working since they did it on their lunch break.
As for all the pics/vids sent? I was probably either in the room (he said he didn't open them then) or watching tv in our bedroom. This is what has me losing it this week. I can't believe he thought so little of me to be able to do this while in our home with me there.
If any WS are reading this...please consider doing this. I think it could be nothing but beneficial to both people involved.
My mind filled in the blanks....not the best way to do it....but that is how it goes when you have nothing but your imagination to complete a story you are so strongly affected by.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by 3boys at 12:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
For now, we are in a really good place. The more we REALLY talk, the more progress we make.
Yes! That is great to read Wondertwin. I am so happy when I hear that people are talking in spite of the pain it causes. We started really talking on Night 3 and I was fully aware that the person who hurt me the most was the one who was going to have to help me repair. The rest was up to me.
And to echo Blake....if any WS are reading this, please just do the timeline. Even if there are many gaps. In the long run, it will help.
I was fully aware that the person who hurt me the most was the one who was going to have to help me repair.
And Scuba- The impact of my timeline on him was just as harsh. We were together though and at home when I read my things to him. It took him a few days to "recover" from that- but he was very lovey and huggy while he was processing. A lot of guilt and shame when you lay it out like that. Not taht I want him to feel guilt and shame...but it was necessary for him to understand that it wasn't just "an affair" and "im sorry". This was everything. It wasn't just me at home alone wondering when he'd get off "work". I was still alive and functioning and loving him while he was doing these things with her.
Point is- it was a HUGE step for us. HUGE.
I think Guilt is impt to feel. Shame is not. Shame is damaging to the core.
Instead of: I did a terrible thing and I could not regret it more and feel more sorry
vs. Shame's - I am a bad person.
My H is not a bad person.
What he did was terrible. But not who he is. He is not the A.
Wow! That cell phone text log must have hit hard Scuba! I never had access to those things.
It was powerful to lay it out in this format.
"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I wrote it novel-style. What I was experiencing, while at the same time what he told me his perceptions were, as well as things that happened with OW. It was actually very helpful for me in my healing. Putting the whole story together in a cohesive way.
He actually asked if he could read it. I did let him. He cried and told me he did not truly realize until that moment the true scope and depth of what I had gone through at his hands. It helped him help me, KWIM. I did ask him if I had details correct, and he said it was so on-target it was scary. It opened a window to him in what I was feeling and felt at various points through this awful journey. (I did change the OW's name as I could not stand to see it written out)But once I wrote it all down, the whole sordid story...I was finally able to 'let it go' and move to my next stage of healing.
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
I wrote out a timeline of their facebook posts and phone records (until they got secret cell phone), and then I matched that to my calendar and facebook posts and put it all together.
For example, the first time he traveled 350 miles on Valentines day to have sex with her, I was home with our son. I would have fixed him dinner, walked the dogs and gone to bed. I also know that I downloaded all of the Jane Austen books onto my Kindle, and I remember being very excited to discover all of the free classics available on Kindle. And I downloaded and read some of a Pride and Prejudice "sequel."
The second time he was with her, I know that when they were having their good bye morning sex, I was in Court at a hearing with a particular client, so I remember that as well.
It's so hard to think that I was going about my business as normal while my entire world was being destroyed. I wish I had the nerve to show this to my husband but it would just make him angry. He's willing to discuss the affair to a certain point but then he says I'm just rubbing his nose in it. Never mind that I live with it every hour of every day. Like my nose isn't rubbed in it!
But I digress...
I think timelines are essential to healing and it helped me even though I had to do it myself.