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18 months out and still having meltdowns, is this normal?

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Labmom123 posted 10/6/2013 20:11 PM

I used to cry every day. Now its once a week but I don't just cry. I say hurtful and untrue things to my husband. I tell him maybe should separate or this isn't working. I don't want him to move out. I don't want to separate but I say these thing in the heat of the moment and then regret it. Hubby told me today he can't take it anymore and is going to move out. I'm devastated to know if others have done this. How long should his be going on? We go to mc almost every week and I know my behavior is wrong but I continue to do it. I told him 2 weeks ago to F off and threw my ring which is o unlike me. I just lost it during a small argument. 've never done that before. I was on pristiq (weaning off it now) and wonder if it affected me in a negative way. I am dying and want help. I really want to know how you have overcome this and how long it took.

RockyMtn posted 10/6/2013 20:25 PM

I don't know if there is anything normal about how any person reacts. There is such a large range.

Having said that, I don't think weekly outbursts with such hurtful world hurled at him is leading you anywhere. While I think WS need to put up with a range of emotions, regular and consistent verbal abuse is not warranted.

At the same time, I am concerned about his sudden moving out. Have you been working on this together? Has he been there for you, as a partner as you try to work through these outbursts? Has he been sensitive?

In terms of how long this kind of thing lasted for me...being really nasty lasted only a few weeks after D-Day 1 (and only happened once after D-Day 2). Outbursts were infrequent after the initial onslaught. This is not to say that I haven't vented or hollered - just that the outright hurtful stuff stopped pretty quick.

Are you in IC? Maybe that is what you need more than MC. What else are you doing to help with your temper?

Dreamland posted 10/6/2013 20:31 PM

Hey Labmom.
So sorry you are feeling this was.. I don't have much to say as I am 19 months out and feel and act the same way. But we can't afford MC or IC at this time. At least not with the therapist we like. She 200$ a pop.
But I feel like we or I was in a much better place last year.. This year has been hell and even though we don't fifth or argue I feel apathetic and disgusted by him. I guess I don't believe him like before and I think he is bullshitting me all the time.
Anyway sending Hugs and to let you know your not alone..😦

jjsr posted 10/6/2013 20:31 PM

I think you should do some work in IC. I understand what you are feeling

Zayda1 posted 10/6/2013 20:35 PM


I'm also 18 months out and have been having similar feelings. I was doing "ok", not great but "ok" up until about a month ago. My moods started swinging when I found out the AP was separated. For some reason this really threw me. Knowing that my husband had a hand in destroying a family with four young children has set me back.

Our MC has addressed this with me and has asked that I seek additional help.

My outbursts are based on my fear. My fear that I didn't catch him the first time so how will I know if he does it again. I fear that AP or OBS will want revenge from WH because we are still together. I fear that he is only with me to "save face" with family/friends.

WH hasn't done anything in the past 12 months to make me think he is currently in an affair......but my fear is still there.

Have you been to IC? Is your WH doing everything he can to help you through this? Is it possible that the affair was a deal breaker?

AppleBlossom posted 10/6/2013 20:48 PM

We are almost exactly a year out and I had a huge meltdown this weekend. I wasnt abusive, but I cried an awful lot, asked him how he would feel if a few short weeks after he proposed to me I went and fucked someone else. He hates being reminded of the act itself, says I "throw it in his face". I suppose I understand his frustration when we are trying to move on, but sometimes the pain is so huge that I need him to see how much it hurts.

I truly believe that this loss and pain of infidelity is very similar to the grief you experience when someone you love dies - because really, that is what has happened. And as with grief (and I have lost someone very close to me) with time you learn to live with it, but every now and again the pain resurfaces and it hurts as much as it did the first day.

if your H does come back and you do want to continue to R, apart from MC and IC, I would suggest discussing a strategy of how to deal with these bad times. because, to be realistic, it may happen again.

I wish you all the best, and I am sorry that you are hurting.

ItsaClimb posted 10/6/2013 23:39 PM

14 months and I am still having major meltdowns every now and then. Specially when I am PMSy

summerain posted 10/6/2013 23:50 PM

Well, I don't know too much about your situation so I can't say that it's normal or not. I would say that I am sure that other people would be in the same boat.

I would recommend that separation would be a good thing. But maybe meet up outside of MC and say this, but make rules.

1) no dating other people
2) must meet up three times a week
3) must continue MC and IC
4) seperation must end _____

etc etc

Sometimes hitting the reset button is a good idea. He's angry and hurt and likely would be okay coming home if you really asked for it.

But I think that maybe you only have regret?

This, all things considering could really benefit you and him

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