I'm moving this topic over to here from Just Found Out.
I'm 7 weeks from DDay with my long-term boyfriend. I snooped and found videos of him having sex with his ex-girlfriend (who was engaged to be married within a month or two from the time she cheated with my boyfriend, for full story, please see "Snooping and Sex Tapes" in the Just Found Out section.
I still haven't decided to reconcile or not. At the beginning, I was ready for full-fledged revenge, but attempted to take the high road. My boyfriend has been trying very hard to prove his credibility to me. But, of course, I can't help that there is something incredibly unfair about what has happened here, aside from all the pain and suffering his choice to cheat has caused me.
I realised that there are 4 people in this situation, not just 2 or 3. Where does her husband fit in? I started thinking yesterday, doesn't he deserve to know?
I asked my boyfriend this yesterday, and he is opposed to telling the husband, whereas I started thinking that it would be the rational and moral thing to do.
For one thing, of course, I feel it's completely unfair that I (and my boyfriend, now) are the only parties suffering in this equation. Why am I sitting at home bawling my eyes out when OW is perfectly fine, living her life as though nothing happened? Why do she and her husband deserve wedded bliss when their marriage is based on a lie? Based on what my boyfriend has told me about her, she has some major, major issues (she cheated on my boyfriend with their married boss, she is a serial cheater, etc.) Shouldn't her husband deserve to know and have the right to choose whether or not to stay with her now, when the marriage is young instead of finding out about her constant misbehaviour and lack of respect later down the road?
To me, it makes complete sense. OWH should be presented with the truth and then he is free to make his own decisions about his future.
My boyfriend is vehemently opposed to telling the OWH. He said that he will do anything to change his behavior, but he can't support something that will negatively influence other people's lives.
When I point out that he already negatively influenced my life forever, he apologises, but says that he has changed and that the OWH shouldn't have to deal with the emotional pain of what his wife and my boyfriend did, because it's long over (a year ago).
He said that he understands my feeling and that it's unfair, but he won't come around and agree that it's the right thing to do.
Can somebody shed some rational light on this? I'm not looking for revenge, I just want to do the right thing. This is causing a lot of conflict for me. It's making me angry all over again.
Thank you for all your support.
[This message edited by theansweris42 at 9:44 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
My WH, ha AP and her BH all knew about the affair and kept it from me for weeks. Please don't do the same to this poor man. It is humiliating knowing that other people decided you didn't need to know. Nothing stops an affair faster then the spouses knowing what happened.
Don't tell you WH that you are telling the OBS. He will likely give his ex a heads up so she can tell her BH that you are crazy and make up some story.
I am begging you to tell him. Give him a chance to get tested for STI's and to decide what he wants to happen in his marriage.
Your bf doesn't get a say. Of course he's opposed, he's afraid of conflict.
OWH should be presented with the truth and then he is free to make his own decisions about his future.
That's the only approach that makes sense to me.
A couple of thoughts WRT your H:
1) He's already shown his judgment is very much effed up. What he needs to think and say is, 'I'm totally against telling owH, so outing the A is obviously the right thing to do.'
2) If he's like other WSes, he probably wants as few people to know as possible, because he's ashamed and wants to hide from his responsibility.
3) owH in my case knew at least 10 days before my W confessed. I wish he had outed the damned A!
Gee, I think it's your BF's actions with ow that changed their lives....
That's the approach that makes the best sense to me.
Truthfully, I told her 4 weeks before our therapist told me not to. Her thought was that no good would come of it and that I would be responsible for that damage.
The kicker in my situation...I was fine to NOT tell his wife if the A had ended when both he and my wife told me it would....that was before they had sex.
Of course it did NOT end....so I changed my inputs and told his wife.
It ended immediately....not by my wifes choice, but by her APs choice. My wife did break NC with an email, but he never responded.
I am convinced that had I not told his wife and presented her with all the emails and phone records he would have continued to have sex with my wife.
I would most certainly want to be notified if I was the one in the dark.
Some advice I would pass along that I got on here.
1. Keep emotions in check.
2. Rehearse out loud what you will say.
3. Have evidence and present it.
4. ONLY report the facts that you know to be true, no guessing or judging.
5. Expect emotional responses...anger, denial, sadness, crying.
6. Stick to a time frame.
7. No follow up contact after this initial contact.
8. The other spouse may NOT want to know....
Keep in mind....the only reason this is a possibility, meaning you exposing her affair to her husband, is that they spawned the affair. You can only melt a snow flake once.
Nutshell summary of my experience with his wife....she was sad, crying, knew there was more to it then he had let on, then she went into a laundry list of things she was doing wrong that made her husband commit adultery. I wanted to console her, wanted to help her....but that was not part of my plan, not my problem to shoulder. I did not set the bomb off....my wife and her husband did. She thanked me, we hugged briefly, and I left...have not spoken to her since. She knows where I work so she can contact me...but has not.
Peace be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
I told the OW BH (granted, we were friends, so it was an easy tell) but i will never regret it. I gave him all kinds of details i knew the OW would lie about, or just omit completely. He was grateful for that.
I have a very different look on things now that i am on the BS end of things. (Pre-A) I had a friend that had an A...and i kept the secret. Her BH did end up finding out not long after i did...but i have very deep feelings of guilt and regret now....for not being brave enough to tell. While it is hard to be the one to tell...keeping such a horrible secret is just enabling the offenders. I put myself in his shoes.....and i would have begged for someone to tell me.
I found out via anonymous letter in the mail....every day, a small part of me thanks that person for sending that letter....because if they hadn't, who knows how long things would have continued on. Who knows how long they would have kept making an ass out of me. Who knows what else they would have done to hurt me.
Its not your BF's call. He and the OW have already done the deed "that will negatively influence other people's lives." That ship has sailed.....THEY did that. you telling does not do that. THEIR ACT did that.
You must soul search and do what you feel i right for you.
I told the OW's husband and while he was shocked, angry and hurt he was very thankful to me that I (as he put it) "had the balls to stand up and do the right thing"!
I thought initially that he was pathetic for not having the guts to confront me in person...after all I was having my way with his wife all over his house, which is just a few miles away in the little slice of suburbia where we live. Nice wayward thinking, huh?
I have come to feel very remorseful for the pain I inflicted upon him and his family via my and my xAP's actions. I sometimes read the "Betrayed Men" thread in I Can Relate as a way to make sure I see, up close and personal, and never ever forget just what a selfish man can do to another man and his marriage. Though I will likely never be able to do so, I feel my xAP's husband deserves both my apologies and my thanks. In sharing my correspondence with his wife, my wife was able to see that over the entirety of the affair I had never spoken a negative word about her - which is one of the things that she says helped her feel positive regarding our reconciliation potential. On the other hand, this poor guy got to see not only the correspondence to me from his spouse where he was pilloried by her on a near daily basis (and had all kinds of personal and intimate details about him shared with me), as well as a whole bunch of other stuff from her the "newer and shinier" boy toys she cultivated and screwed after she disconnected from me. I can't quite imagine how he could get to a reconciliation mode after what he saw, and obviously that's none of my business, other than I feel ashamed for my part in what he has had to face.
Him contacting my wife was the starting point of my "coming out of the darkness and into the light", and a catalyzing moment in my path toward both personal and marital recovery. He did the right thing.
Do the right thing...the other betrayed deserves your help and consideration.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 1:56 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
He said that he will do anything to change his behavior, but he can't support something that will negatively influence other people's lives.
Ummm he already supported something that negatively influenced other peoples lives by having an A with another mans W. He now just wants to keep it a secret.
He needs to be told. Like others have said, he has a right to know who he is married to. I wish someone had told me.
He needs to be told for many reasons. First,he needs to be tested for STD's. He deserves to know what has happened in his marriage. He needs to know who his wife is. It will give you another set of eyes on the two of them..it will make the possibility of them taking it underground a lot harder. But the bottom line is..he deserves to know the truth..just as you did.
Your WBF is protecting himself and the OW. He didn't care about negatively influencing someone else's life when he was having sex.
Call him. Do not warn your WBF that you're going to do it..he WILL warn the OW. Don't message him on facebook or email him..OW knows you know and will intercept any messages you send.
He absolutely should be told.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Something that my boyfriend has repeatedly told me is that he is worried that if I tell the OWH, there is a chance that he could sue him (for emotional damage...?). They were engaged at the time, not married.
Is this something that can happen? Has anyone had any experience with this?
Also, is there anybody on the other side of the fence, who wishes that they had not known?
My boyfriend has read this thread and said that he understands everyone's opinion, but that they are only supporting my opinion because they (you) want to give me emotional support. He continues to say that there is a very high probability that OWH doesn't want to know and that he can't take responsibility for changing their future.
Any responses would be greatly appreciated. Trying to approach this from a rational perspective, which has been extremely tough.
He continues to say that there is a very high probability that OWH doesn't want to know and that he can't take responsibility for changing their future.
Wtf? The cognitive dissonance here, it burns.
Please tell him. Your bf's reasons are self serving. He deserves to know.
My boyfriend has read this thread and said that he understands everyone's opinion, but that they are only supporting my opinion because they (you) want to give me emotional support.
Of course he is going to tell you this. Your boyfriend is only concerned with himself and saving face. He is not concerned with doing the right or honorable thing here. If he were truly sorry and remorseful, he would not be discouraging you from telling the other woman's husband the truth.
Uh, he changed their future the minute he banged the BH's fiancÚ/wife.
Letting you tell is one way he can man up to the bomb he already planted in that man's life.
My fwh said to me that I had every right to do whatever I needed to help heal from what they did. He was right.
I wish, every day, that someone, anyone, would have told me. Anyone.
It is the right and kind thing to do.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!