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"Not fighting for him"

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sinnomore posted 10/6/2013 22:02 PM

Had a discussion with BH this am about the tenseness that has been felt by both of us this week. I asked him what he was thinking about and he says something to the effect of me not fighting for him. When I asked him why he felt that way it was because I had I said that it felt that whenever I started feeling a distance between us.. I am usually the one that has to break the ice to initiate a conversation. I reminded him he had told me before that many times he goes into his own world where things make sense to him. The way he sees it is that it's up to me to bring up a discussion.. even when it's affecting him also. I guess I feel like if I don't initiate the conversation... it won't happen... if it doesn't happen.. then he believes that I don't want to fight for him. So who is fighting for me? Am I not allowed to be soothed? He gets that we both are hurting.. I've done IC, MC, read numerous books, SI, been accountable, etc... at what point do I get my needs met? DD was 3yrs ago.

cantaccept posted 10/7/2013 04:18 AM


I am certainly no expert but I can tell you how it feels from my perspective and experience so far, 2 weeks from 1st dday antiversary.

H left me on dday for 2 months. He had nothing but anger towards me while in a. I reached out to him when a was over. I coaxed him back. I was patient, caring and did not pressure him at all in the beginning. I was waiting for him to "come around", to remember me, realize what he had done.

I suggested the reading, IC, MC. I initiated all of the talking after a couple of months of giving time.

Then I began to ask for what I needed from him to help me to heal with him.

I also at this point want to feel like he would "fight"for me, not just walk away if it got too tough.

I feel as if I have been fighting for him, doing all the work, going through the pain all alone. It feels degrading, demeaning. I have recently come to a point where I absolutely need him to initiate the conversations, reveal his thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities to me, on his own, read on his own, for a time "prove" to me how important I am to him, not by just "being here".

I have pulled back emotionally, not intentionally, but it has happened, cause and effect, self preservation.

I don't know if any of this fits your situation but if it does, maybe you need to go above and beyond for a bit.

Have you worked on yourself and told him about your changes? I know that would help me feel better.

Have you tried reading together? Maybe 5 Love Languages?

Do you talk about how your actions have made you feel now vs. during the a? How differently you view him now? What you see and appreciate in him now that you were not seeing then? How much you hurt for putting him through this, hurt for him?

This is all very basic but all I have to offer right now from my perspective.

I hope it helps in some small way. Maybe talking about this with MC, about what he sees as the goal and how to achieve it.

I know in myself right now, I know I am holding back, not giving in a way that is good for the marriage. I just cannot give at this point as it is too risky for me. Not good but I have been very honest and open about this to h and why I am holding back.

He seems to understand and now I am waiting for the actions that I need to feel safe and valued. I have been so very clear about what I need from him. Now it is up to him to put as much in going forward as I have up until this point.

Has he expressed what he needs? Does he even know? Have you given what he has asked for and more?

This is such a painful experience, so hard to live with. Everyday I seem to discover a new way in which this has changed me, changed how I view the world, view my h, view our life, view myself. Some of it is positive but the negative is gut wrenching.

I just know for myself I cannot expose myself to any "new" pain from him. Until he really shows me that this marriage, that I am his first priority, consistently and over time, I cannot risk anymore of myself.

Best to you both. I hope you can find a way to work through this together.

LosferWords posted 10/7/2013 18:38 PM

at what point do I get my needs met?

Which needs aren't being met?

I thought cantaccept made some really good points, and came up with some great questions. A lot of those questions, to me, seem to revolve around communication.

Communication is so critical. How do these conversations start? A lot of the best conversations my wife and I have had started with a really simple, "How are you doing today. You know, with everything."

Best of luck to you.

sinnomore posted 10/8/2013 16:27 PM

Thanks for your responses...
I have made changes, we've talked about them, he recognizes them & can say what they are. I've done more reading than he has.. He's not a big reader. I've showed him the books & have suggested we read together. He wasn't able to get past chapter 2 in NJF. He won't read the Love Lang. though I've suggested it. I've talked about what I was feeling prior to the A, and how I was able to compartmentalize..He wont answer the Q of what he needs from me. He did early on & I've done all that he's asked, but he still feels that I'm not fighting. He says he wants to be with me and have a marriage ....

Losferwords: Just once I would like for him to acknowledge that though things are tense.. that it's ok for him to bring it up and not wait for me to. It's always been this way over the years. He shares if I don't bring it up it means I'm not fighting... I hurt also. We both do. I guess it'd be nice for me to have him help with soothing me at times. Maybe I'm wrong. Communication is key... and I've done a whole lot more communicating than ever since all this. I think what happens is I react to him.. then feel some kind of a way... but if he reacts to me.. I'm to soothe... but I can't get the same. & i'm not talking about anything over the top.

Maybe as I said to him...I just need to figure it out on my own and not look for anything from him (comfort). Sigh.. I don't know.

Outdoornut1 posted 10/8/2013 18:09 PM

I didn't see a stop sign so...
Cantaccept's experiance is very similiar to mine.
If what you post is true, maybe your bs is not ready or strong enough.
Is he in IC?
but if he reacts to me..

I'm to soothe... but I can't get the same.

I understand this is what you need and you deserve it also, but it can be REALLY hard for a bs to do this if they aren't strong enough or ready.
I do wish you luck. You seem to be on the right path- it's long, mountanous, and full obstacles.....

cantaccept posted 10/8/2013 18:25 PM

The other things that come to mind are, have you both done any IC or MC?

IC was and is crucial for me to work through all of the issues that are now a daily part of my life. I feel it is a must for me to be able to keep moving forward.

Also, SI has been a life saver, especially during my quest for a good IC, first two were a joke.

Having the understanding of others that have gone through this devastating experience and hearing them say the same words that go through your brain helps so much. It helps to make you feel "normal", it helps to have true understanding, it helps because no one who has not experienced this can really understand the confusion and conflicting emotions. It helps to hear from others, further along, it gives you hope that you will survive this. It will not destroy you forever, because sometimes, in those dark moments it feels like it will.

I also have a hard time expressing all of my thoughts and emotions to h at this time. It could be because he has been so inconsistent but it could also be a common experience with others also. To be able to expose your core to the one person that has hurt you so deeply feels very risky. It is necessary but it probably takes a bit of time to truly feel safe doing that.

I think it's so important to have someone that understands and is safe, other than the spouse to talk about this with.

Just my thoughts, hope it helps.

vivere posted 10/8/2013 20:22 PM

Other than initiating conversations, how does you 'fighting for him' look to your husband? Can your husband explain what it is he is needing from you?

As a BS it is very important to me to feel reassured that my H is here because he wants to be, not because of guilt or some misguided obligation. I need to know that I'm not a consolation prize. That he knows he has choices and he chooses me. Could this be what your H is struggling with?

It has taken me a long time to acknowledge that my H is hurting too without a small voice attaching the rider - 'Yeah well you fucking deserve it, you brought it all on yourself!' I know that kind of thinking is not helping anyone but it took a long time for me to fully appreciate this and start looking at healing from a me, you and us perspective. Perhaps your H is feeling the same just now?

sinnomore posted 10/8/2013 21:12 PM

Outdoornut1 - He's not in IC.. not really.. we've done MC - and he's only seen our MC on his own as IC maybe 2-3 times tops. He had been in IC when it all went to crap - and went for a while, however he felt that the therapist was pushing him more towards divorce and being on his own so he stopped. Our MC is great - and when things come up he has said that he wants to work with him individually for hypnosis and other things... I'm guessing he's just not soothing..

cantaccept - Yes, we've done MC.. I've been in IC for about 3 years... He's done IC then stopped.. but our MC does IC for him when he hears things that he feels Hubby may need to work on. He was on SI for a bit but I don't think he goes on. I'm up here much more often and will often send him posts to read..then we discuss them..

Oblivious- No he can't tell me what he needs... he did when the shit hit the fan and I've done what he's asked. I get that he wants to make sure that I'm choosing him and that he's not a consolation prize. He's often felt that I "settled" for him and that's from YEARS ago when we first married. I don't know how else to prove that I love him for him.. I know my actions didn't show it but I've been working hard to be authentic and truthful.

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