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blakesteele posted 10/6/2013 22:55 PM

Okay, so today is a day our family celebrates something very special to us. We do this by going out to a very specific, expensive restaurant.

During my wifes affair she shared with her AP exactly what restaurant and what date we do this celebration.

My wife was working we had to meet at the restaurant.

Our girls and myself went to the restaurant first....were there 20 minutes before my wife was due to arrive. I ordered our drinks and visited with our girls and the other couple at the table with us. 15 minutes later, with 5 minutes to go before my wife showed up, my wifes AP and his wife and kids walk in!

Both he and his wife saw me, saw flowers sitting on the table where my wife was to sit...and then proceeded to be seated 1 table away from ours.

I quickly texted my wife....told her I was fine to stay or go. After a few quick texts we decide to stay.

Wife showed up, we ate our dinner...they ate their dinner.

We talked and enjoyed ourselves and the other couple who was at our table with us. Her AP and his wife sat on opposite ends of their table, angled in their seats away from us, and did not speak to each other the whole hour they were there.

I was fine...really fine about this whole experience. Sure I was disgusted to see the physical shape of the guy my wife chose to sleep with...but did not even trigger.

Curious how something so in your face can not cause me to trigger...and something as mundane as taking our dog to walk in the park creates severe pain.

Of course my wife and I discussed the evening once we got home and got the girls in bed....turned out to be another wandering conversation...lots of words used but not much expressed sort of conversation. But even that is okay now.

I am just convinced there are no coincidences in life anymore. Trials happen for a reason. We can choose to treat those trials as opportunities or we can treat them as a sort of detention....where you just stay where you are at.

Sure this night would have been more pleasant if he choose to NOT eat at this restaurant upon noticing me and our girls already seated there. Sure it would be nice if he exuded any sort of moral either respect my family, or at least respect his. Sure it would be nice if this man was never allowed inside my wife, inside our family like he was.

It was a peaceful experience overall. I have learned recently that peaceful does not always mean joyous or fun. I really get the Peace Be With You salutation now.

Tonight I am grateful my wife and I chose not to stay where we were at 1 year ago.

Peace be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:00 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

blakesteele posted 10/6/2013 23:04 PM

Kinda hope this doesn't come across as a victory dance type of post.

Truthfully, I am embarrassed how I reacted on DD....embarrassed how I reacted to life at different times in our marriage.

I feel like I am finally starting to live as a man should. I lived like a man in some areas of my life...but was childlike in a few critical areas. Did not realize that until my journey this past year.

God be with us all.

cantaccept posted 10/7/2013 03:49 AM


so happy and proud for you. You have worked so very hard for this peace.

I know I would not at this point be able to have such a rational perspective or reaction.

Yesterday, we went to town where ow lives, where we lived for many years, married, had a business, for an annual street fair.

It was my idea, I loved that fair. I had to take a anti-anixiety first, the body was reacting before we even left the house. I did it though and we did not run into her. We live so close we are bound to have that encounter at some point. I just hope I don't turn into a mass of shaking jelly when we do.

At least yesterday I wasn't twitching although certain types of women made me think obscenities, at least I didn't say them out loud!

It is wonderful how you were able to handle that. I am amazed at your strength and control.

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 04:54 AM


Thank you for your support. We are all stronger then we think. When you find yourself in a similar spot, be prepared to surprise yourself.

"Shit. You have got to be kidding me." Was my initial reaction. Lasted about 30 seconds....the time I needed to see what was taking place, that both he and his wife noticed me, and that they were "fine" with eating 1 table away from us.

God was with me. 3 things served as a reminder to me, both had a calming affect.

First, our daughters were with very playful and excited for this celebration. This reminded me that this evening was not about me.

Second, my wife had not joined us yet. Time to man net here!

Third, a younger couple came in and sat down at our table. They were very much in love...reminded me of my younger days with my wife. This reminded me that my marriage is not just about me. It also reminded me that my wife and i have fun together. This couple was expressive in the love for each other and both outgoing personalities. It was fun to visit with them.

No coincidences....leaves me wondering, again, how I missed so many opportunities to grow over my lifetime....

I do appreciate your kind words cantaccept. But I realize all of the ingredients were there to make this a peaceful event....I just had to bring them all together!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:26 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

cantaccept posted 10/7/2013 05:17 AM

Hi blake,

Your post has started me thinking (what doesn't start me thinking???!)

At this point in my journey I am seeing that my mind set effects my internal reactions.

If I am feeling detached, focusing exclusively on me and what I want, what my life will be. Considering my life without h, I am calmer. I do not have the extreme anxiety.

When I let down my emotional guard, let myself feel for him, acknowledge those feelings, the anxiety returns with a vengeance.

I think I am just needing from him. If we are to get through this together he has to step up or I will remain in this emotional hell.

If I detach, take a path away from him, our marriage, I will be ok, no matter what he does or doesn't do.

In order for me to heal "with" him, I need effort from him.

Back to the time and consistency. Wait and see...

Now the actions are in his hands. The reactions are in mine?

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 06:26 AM

In order for me to heal "with" him, I need effort from him.

I totally get this...a marriage is not a vacuum. Marriage is not just about my wife, not just about me...but about us. "Us actions" are what make a marriage. KWIM? I know I can do fine on my own, I believe my wife feels she can do fine on her own. Can we do better than fine together? The answer to that lies in the actions of both of us.

Now the actions are in his hands. The reactions are in mine?

I think I get this too...

We cant change anyone but ourselves...but we can influence each other. My wifes adulterous actions influenced me...I reacted to those influences. I reacted very poorly. I was and am embarrassed by my actions...will probably be for the rest of my life (just like I was when a girl in high school noticed my aroused state as I walked by her in the hallway!).

I have since learned that I did not like what I did and how I reacted to my wifes destructive I went about changing. I COULD have said fuck it...she isn't worth it, quickly divorced, had a RA, lost myself in a bottle, built walls, etc.. But I did not....I decided that I wanted to change.

Point is my wifes affair had a profound influence on me, but her actions did not change me....I am changing myself. My wifes AP did not change my wife directly...the influence of the relationship allowed her the opportunity to decide to change her mind on our vows and chose all on her own to do what she did.

Destructive change is easy....just tip the bottle up, or slip the shorts down.

Positive change takes courage and commitment. It can be done in the absence of positive influences from ones spouse, but it certainly helps to have support along the way.

Thanks for your support.

How do you tell the difference between a positive and negative choice, change?.....time. Over time you will see the results of your choices. Some of my choices of the past felt good, were easy...but ultimately turned out to be destructive and therefore I assign a negative value to those choices.

Last night I made a choice. Right now I feel it was positive because it feels constructive. Time will tell if this is true or not.

Kicker was my choice last night did not seem overly hard. Shocking yes...but not hard. I made it easily, sought my wifes input via text before she was blind-sided by walking in cold-turkey, then we stuck to our decision.

So not all positive, constructive choices need be difficult.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:29 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 10/7/2013 06:27 AM

Blakesteele, i think it is a victory. I remember your worry about walking your daughters to school and just passing him by! You were able to eat a meal, be present, and even notice how detached he and his wife were. I have a ways to go before I get there, but some days I feel strong, and want to run into AP just so I can innocuoate myself a little. Take back my life.

AML04 posted 10/7/2013 06:39 AM

blake-I think it is a victory. None of us can change what we did but we can all learn and grow. You are taking charge of that with yourself and I can only hope I'm able to get where you are. I'm working at it but finding it hard to get out of the quicksand that is my mind.

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 06:49 AM

want to run into AP just so I can innocuoate myself a little.

Cool analogy bionicgal. It really did confirm what I suspect is their marriage and his mode of operation. It also confirmed that at least some of my perceived growth is real....good confidence builder (like vitamin C builds your immune system).

Sad for them really...sad for our marriage too though. My wife did choose this man...gambled so much for so little. I used pornography in the past. I gambled at a similar I am no saint. We now know better....can we do better?

finding it hard to get out of the quicksand that is my mind.

Totally get this too AML04...that is where it is nice to have this site and a real good real life help get oneself out of being too self-centered.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:53 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

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