I feel so lonely, and I think it's obvious that I could use comfort, love, and reassurance. Letting him in the bed. I don't know what to do about it. I crave the safety and warmth, but how can I seek this from the person who caused me to need it so badly? It isn't something that makes any sense. I feel like it's asking your rapist for a hug afterwards so you can feel better. I'm so incredibly hurt and wounded and I want to go to him forůmore? Plus the idea of him sharing a bed with another woman can't escape my thoughts. Many times he's been in the bed I think about him with her in a gross hotel bed. How can I let him back in what was our unblemished marital bed when he so willingly climbed into that cesspool of disease, whores, and betrayal. He's lost the right to our bed, hasn't he?
Your thoughts? I still haven't posted my story in my profile because it's so disturbing to me that even writing it would cause me great mental anguish. But he participated in inappropriate online behaviors for our entire relationship until he hired a prostitute six weeks ago and then the confession came pouring out. He's been very committed to recovery, counseling, etc. but I still feel so bad.
But there were a few weeks there when I couldn't even stand to be in the bedroom at all, and being in there with him made me nauseous. WH has helped me make major strides there by taking symbolic action to scrub OW out of there. They didn't have sex in the bed, they just went to sleep there after screwing in other parts of the house (I'm not sure if that's not worse, actually, sleeping in the bed is so intimate. She slept on my side of the bed, ew!), so he got a totally new mattress set, he bought new sheets, and we're planning on re-doing that room together.
Maybe you can try to identify exactly what it is that galls you about it (betrayal aside), then tackle that? For me, a lot of the pain comes from thinking about him doing the same things with OW that he did or currently does with me. I HATE that. I hate it. You can't erase exactly what he did, of course. But maybe you two can take some action, together, that will symbolically erase what he did with her. OW was also in our living room (they had sex there multiple times), so WH bought a new couch and completely re-decorated by himself, turning the room into a different space, re-arranging the furniture so the room was laid out differently and everything. Sure, it's the same room, technically, but she doesn't know what it looks like, the two of them have never shared that space together, and I find that comforting. Maybe you can find out what the hotel room looked like and decorate your bedroom in the most different way possible?
Because it annoys me to do things with him that they did together, we also started doing things they never did. We recently started cooking together (we never did that before because neither of us liked it, too many cooks and we'd just get in each other's way), but it's one of the few things that the two of them never did, so I suddenly really like it, and he's glad to have a safe activity for us to do. Maybe there's a bedroom equivalent? Like maybe he could read a little aloud to you from a non-fiction book each night, if he didn't do that before? I love when my WH does that, and he never did it for the OW.
Again, none of these things erase what happened, but they have helped make me feel a bit more comfortable sharing intimate spaces with WH.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 1:01 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
Good luck. I seriously think of moving sometimes. They didn't do anything here, but she was a close friend and she was here at my house a few times.
It has been very healing for us.
nothing you are feeling is wrong though--you have the right to your feelings.
Is sex with condoms safe? The reason I ask is that I would find it hard to be in bed with my W and not have sex available. You'd have to set up very strong boundaries - eminently do-able, but it has to be done explicitly.
It's very weird to rely for support on the person who just crucified you, but it's very, very common, and it works for a lot of us - so don't worry about it. Knowing what you want is, after all, a good start towards getting it.
I urge you to write your story down, for yourself, not necessarily for publication. You get to decide what you share here. But writing about your story may make it less disturbing, and it's very likely to raise questions that you want and can get answers to - and the way your H answers questions is a strong indicator of where he is. Again, write for yourself.
The responses to your posts will probably be probably better if you share things like whether or not you and your H have committed to R, are in IC or MC, things your H has done t show his commitment, etc.
My main thoughts are 1) you're posting about things a lot of people think about during the first month (and for much longer, too), and 2) you sound about as sad and angry and even afraid as I was when I was a month out, so you sound like you're on track for healing.
A note: healing takes a long time, much longer than you'll think is reasonable as you go through it, BUT you won't always feel as bad as you do now. Actually, I found my 1st 3-6 months as almost always down hill, feeling worse, but then I started to feel better. The good feelings do come back.
My H is very, very committed to R, and I'm pretty sure I am too, but it's so early in the process that I can't work out all my feelings.
[This message edited by ShatteredLove00 at 11:08 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]