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ShatteredLove00 posted 10/6/2013 23:57 PM

I know my WH and I won't be having sex for a long time, because he was so stupid and careless he didn't use protection for a certain sex act and we are waiting a minimum of six months for STI tests to come back. But what about sharing the bed? He's been in the guest room for 5 weeks now.

I feel so lonely, and I think it's obvious that I could use comfort, love, and reassurance. Letting him in the bed. I don't know what to do about it. I crave the safety and warmth, but how can I seek this from the person who caused me to need it so badly? It isn't something that makes any sense. I feel like it's asking your rapist for a hug afterwards so you can feel better. I'm so incredibly hurt and wounded and I want to go to him for…more? Plus the idea of him sharing a bed with another woman can't escape my thoughts. Many times he's been in the bed I think about him with her in a gross hotel bed. How can I let him back in what was our unblemished marital bed when he so willingly climbed into that cesspool of disease, whores, and betrayal. He's lost the right to our bed, hasn't he?

Your thoughts? I still haven't posted my story in my profile because it's so disturbing to me that even writing it would cause me great mental anguish. But he participated in inappropriate online behaviors for our entire relationship until he hired a prostitute six weeks ago and then the confession came pouring out. He's been very committed to recovery, counseling, etc. but I still feel so bad.

Thessalian posted 10/7/2013 00:40 AM

I know what you mean, the same thoughts have occurred to me regularly. For me, my WH actually spent time in our bed with the OW. For the time being, I can't even fall asleep in there, so I fall asleep on the couch, then he "sleepwalks" me to bed later, and as soon as I wake up, I jump out of bed and scamper off to the couch again until I'm fully awake. Little by little, waking up in there isn't causing me burst into tears every morning.

But there were a few weeks there when I couldn't even stand to be in the bedroom at all, and being in there with him made me nauseous. WH has helped me make major strides there by taking symbolic action to scrub OW out of there. They didn't have sex in the bed, they just went to sleep there after screwing in other parts of the house (I'm not sure if that's not worse, actually, sleeping in the bed is so intimate. She slept on my side of the bed, ew!), so he got a totally new mattress set, he bought new sheets, and we're planning on re-doing that room together.

Maybe you can try to identify exactly what it is that galls you about it (betrayal aside), then tackle that? For me, a lot of the pain comes from thinking about him doing the same things with OW that he did or currently does with me. I HATE that. I hate it. You can't erase exactly what he did, of course. But maybe you two can take some action, together, that will symbolically erase what he did with her. OW was also in our living room (they had sex there multiple times), so WH bought a new couch and completely re-decorated by himself, turning the room into a different space, re-arranging the furniture so the room was laid out differently and everything. Sure, it's the same room, technically, but she doesn't know what it looks like, the two of them have never shared that space together, and I find that comforting. Maybe you can find out what the hotel room looked like and decorate your bedroom in the most different way possible?

Because it annoys me to do things with him that they did together, we also started doing things they never did. We recently started cooking together (we never did that before because neither of us liked it, too many cooks and we'd just get in each other's way), but it's one of the few things that the two of them never did, so I suddenly really like it, and he's glad to have a safe activity for us to do. Maybe there's a bedroom equivalent? Like maybe he could read a little aloud to you from a non-fiction book each night, if he didn't do that before? I love when my WH does that, and he never did it for the OW.

Again, none of these things erase what happened, but they have helped make me feel a bit more comfortable sharing intimate spaces with WH.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 1:01 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

wolf_heart posted 10/7/2013 04:07 AM

First off you need to do what feels comfortable to you.
I know that needing a WS to help you heal is no fun. I question my sanity in the decision to reconcile sometimes.
The deal is I have concluded that if I am to reconcile than he has to be an active member in my healing process. To do that I need the reassurances, love, comfort and time spent together working on things. If I am not going to have him help or he is unwilling to help then why reconcile? He got us into this mess and he has to help make it as good as it can be from here on out.
I know it is painful to realize that you need the help to heal and recover from the person who causes so much pain, devastation and loss. I like your analogy of the rapist. It is a good comparison. However, a rapist never was the center of our world and center of our foundation. Our spouses are that center and they destroyed it. Our safety, security and center are gone. Together they can help us rebuild it or we can do it alone. If they aren't a part of the rebuilding process then it is faulty and will crumble.

Good luck. I seriously think of moving sometimes. They didn't do anything here, but she was a close friend and she was here at my house a few times.

bionicgal posted 10/7/2013 06:42 AM

My personal experience is that I needed to reach out for the affection. It is the crazy irony that the person who hurt you is the one that has to help you, but if you are serious about R then you have to let him try.

It has been very healing for us.

CatchyUsername posted 10/7/2013 06:47 AM

just sent you a PM

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/7/2013 10:52 AM

if it was in the same bed, I would have to get a new one myself and even change the position of the bed etc..I couldn't stomach that.
but if it wan't at same point--i would want to reclaim that honor of sharing of the bed.

nothing you are feeling is wrong though--you have the right to your feelings.

sisoon posted 10/7/2013 13:09 PM

With a 9/1 D-Day, you're probably still in shock, so it's not a good time for major decisions.

Is sex with condoms safe? The reason I ask is that I would find it hard to be in bed with my W and not have sex available. You'd have to set up very strong boundaries - eminently do-able, but it has to be done explicitly.

It's very weird to rely for support on the person who just crucified you, but it's very, very common, and it works for a lot of us - so don't worry about it. Knowing what you want is, after all, a good start towards getting it.

I urge you to write your story down, for yourself, not necessarily for publication. You get to decide what you share here. But writing about your story may make it less disturbing, and it's very likely to raise questions that you want and can get answers to - and the way your H answers questions is a strong indicator of where he is. Again, write for yourself.

The responses to your posts will probably be probably better if you share things like whether or not you and your H have committed to R, are in IC or MC, things your H has done t show his commitment, etc.

My main thoughts are 1) you're posting about things a lot of people think about during the first month (and for much longer, too), and 2) you sound about as sad and angry and even afraid as I was when I was a month out, so you sound like you're on track for healing.

A note: healing takes a long time, much longer than you'll think is reasonable as you go through it, BUT you won't always feel as bad as you do now. Actually, I found my 1st 3-6 months as almost always down hill, feeling worse, but then I started to feel better. The good feelings do come back.

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/7/2013 14:52 PM

Sex with condoms would most likely be safe, except that because I am pregnant I am not willing to risk any chances. His ONS was with a foreign professional prostitute who doesn't use condoms for oral, so it's extremely likely he was exposed to something (as hard as that has been for him to accept). Neither of us had ever even seen someone else naked before this happened, much less had sex outside of our marriage. So the idea of exposing myself to a prostitute's sexual history is something I'll most likely have to go to a psychologist obsession for a "pure" body and sexual history has been something I'd been adamant and perhaps obsessed with since I was raped as a child and decided from then on that I would never again let someone choose for me what I was exposed to. (I know, crazy personal history).

My H is very, very committed to R, and I'm pretty sure I am too, but it's so early in the process that I can't work out all my feelings.

bionicgal posted 10/7/2013 19:34 PM

I don't understand the timeline on the STD testing . . H went in and got tested and got results back in a couple of days. Why the long wait?

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/7/2013 23:49 PM

bionicgal - I explained above

[This message edited by ShatteredLove00 at 11:08 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

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