SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi ,

First timer. My wife had a one night stand with a long time friend of hers. I trusted them. While I was sick and hard at work she went for a party and got drunk and had sex with him. I cant seem to shake off images or the thought. I thought we were golden and it would never happen to us. 12 yrs and 2 kids it was true love. I know it was. We had fought many hardships to be together, Parents , Space, long distance relationships, jobs, Tons. Now that we are settled and doing well this hits me like a ton of bricks. I started suspecting she had an affair. Its uncanny. almost to the day she did I was getting curious and trying to search her Iphone and messages. Something I never did before. Then One day I was looking at Spyware for her Iphone and I Shook my head thinking what the heck is wrong with me this is mY Darling Why am I doing this. I laughed at myself and gave it up. I wish I hadnt. it has been 3 months now and the pain is not going away. Want to trust her again. I want to give her the chance and I think . I could have been dealt a worse blow by fate. And that calms me for a few minutes then I get the thoughts rushing again and I get helpless and lost again. We have gone to a few Counselling sessions but I come away from them worse and angry. Its always all my fault. If I had paid more attention. If I had done this or that.

Feeling more lost and lonely than ever now. Guess im just rambling. Sorry.

[This message edited by Cloudnine at 1:31 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Cloudnine,

I'm so so sorry that you are in this position. Though no one can completely understand your exact situation and feel pain just the way you are feeling it, many people here have been through or are going through something similar.

As many here will tell you, don't worry about making a major decision about your marriage right now, you have all the time in the world to do that.

I would highly recommend going to "the Healing Library" (link on the top left) and reading the "FAQ for BS" (Betrayed Spouse), "FAQ for WS" (Wayward Spouse), and everything else in there. It helped me a lot.

Moving forward, much will depend on how your wife behaves in handling this situation. Does she seem sorry at this point? What is she doing/saying?

Thanks for the response Thessalian. She is apologising and trying to make things right. But There are a lot of key things That I feel I am not getting. I feel she is apologising within set confines. The very fact that she Confessed and is torn up about it I would guess should mean she is sorry. but I feel She had the affair and now she says sorry and I Better accept it. not that she says that but i get that impression from her reactions. She has never been a talkative person. quite an introvert. and i am the opposite . I talk people to death. now I feel I I need her to talk to me as I would her had I done this. Is that wrong for me to ask? Although she has confessed she Has supported him through the whole time. Making sure I dont do anything to harm him. I thought she knew me better than to harm a fly let alone a person. But she says she hasnt seen me with this big a betrayal and didnt know how I would react.

I have been looking through a lot of information but cant find similar story to mine. One where She has a one time affair with a 2 yr best friend that I had known they were attracted to each other. but since she is a stay at home mom and supported me all through the years that I owed her the respect and trust that she would not act on any of these things. I know I was setting myself up for this. I guess I trusted our love too much. In my profession I am surrounded by opportunities for affairs and 99 % of my colleagues do have them and sadly their wives either turn a blind eye or dont know.. But I never cared to even when we would argue or have a spat I would still come home with flowers. Probably because I am a nerd and would rather be home with the wife and kids or building models but whatever the reason I came home to her always. So I felt if I did Sure she can and would too. There are things she did right after she told me which have taken a toll on my in terms of being able to forgive. I have one question though. Everyone says donot tell people because we would regret later. What and how. I am too hazy now to make sense of things so I cant see in what way it would harm us. Wouldnt telling close friends or a family member help us by mediating?

[This message edited by Cloudnine at 1:44 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

It is definitely NOT unreasonable for you to ask her to be talkative at this point, but I completely understand your situation, my WH (Wayward Husband) also is not a naturally talkative person, I am the talker. This, you will find as you read more, is not too uncommon a trait in cheaters, they can't confront having difficult conversations, which leads to cheating in a variety of ways. I'm not justifying what she did, it's inexcusable, it's just something I've learned since I found out about my WH.

I don't know when you found out, but it took my WH about a week to see how incredibly painful it was to see him protecting his AP (Affair Partner) verbally. He would say things like, "Oh, she isn't the one who did anything wrong" or "It wasn't her fault" - this made me insane, it made me feel like he was not on my side, on OUR side, like he would rather protect her than protect us! I'm sure you feel that way too. And your wife needs to cut that out immediately. Your best friend and your wife share very equal responsibility in this situation, both were active participants and both chose to backstab you.

But one thing I always tried to remember is that while you have absolutely zero blueprint for dealing with the devastating pain of this situation, she has no idea how to pull her head out of her butt and fix it, either.

I asked my husband read these things (and asked him to read them several times over a series of days, not just once), and though it took a week for them to really sink in, they helped him help me. When I found out, I was in no emotional state to accurately describe what I was feeling and what I needed. But I told my husband that these things really spoke to me and accurately described what I wanted from him, and how I felt. I would recommend asking your wife to read these two things:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - This is a guide for cheating spouses to help them understand how you are feeling and what to do about it, how to behave and how not to behave.

and

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp - This is a Frequently Asked Questions page for cheating spouses.

If those things speak to you, show them to your wife and let them do the talking for you, maybe that will give you both somewhere to start. And keep posting!

[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:04 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Ah, I see you added more to your post:

I have been looking through a lot of information but cant find similar story to mine. One where She has a one time affair with a 2 yr best friend that I had known they were attracted to each other. but since she is a stay at home mom and supported me all through the years that I owed her the respect and trust that she would not act on any of these things. I know I was setting myself up for this

Even if there was an attraction there, you were not setting yourself up for this - you trusted your wife and asked her to hold up her end of the stick, the way you were holding up your end of the stick. But your wife CHOSE to drop her responsibility to you and your marriage. Maybe later in this process the two of you can discuss how you can take steps to eliminate opportunity and dangerous situations like this before they implode, but there's no excuse for her cheating.

I have one question though. Everyone says donot tell people because we would regret later. What and how. I am too hazy now to make sense of things so I cant see in what way it would harm us. Wouldnt telling close friends or a family member help us by mediating?

This really depends on you guys. My husband and I only told our closest 2-3 friends for the first few weeks, but then I found out he had been lying repeatedly, and I moved out and took my rings off. After that there was no hiding it from anyone - he told his parents and I told mine, and our whole friend community knows because I wasn't living at home for a while (I am now) and it was impossible to hide that.

But I do wish less people knew. When I go out, people who know look at me with pity sometimes (I don't want anyone's pity, I have worked very hard to be strong and I don't want to be treated like a victim), some people judge me for staying with a cheater, and others judge my husband harshly about things I'm already over. In our case, it was very important that his parents knew, though, and we desperately needed 2-3 friends to support us. So, I think all that advice is saying is choose who you tell wisely.

EDIT: I would also be very careful that whoever you tell (and do tell someone if you need help) is a friend of your MARRIAGE. Someone who supports you two as a unit, not someone who is going to take a side.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:05 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Welcome brother. This is most likely going to be the worst emotional experience you will go through. Worse than mourning a death in most cases. I say this to prepare you for a long wild ride. They say getting over infidelity can take about 2-5 years. From my experience those numbers are true. Your just beginning this journey and if you do things correctly you can actually speed up your recovery time. The first thing you must do is accept what has happened. Most if us have a real hard time with this. But its very important that you do. Once that is done you must come up with a plan of action, what it is that you want to do and how it must be done. You also need to concentrate heavily on healing yourself. Believe it or not your first concern must be on yourself. Not your WW, not your M. It has to be about getting you to a place where you can be comfortable within yourself to make sound informed decisions. After all, how you proceed will dictate the rest of your life. Try and take care of yourself. You will find it hard to do life's simplest tasks. Even eating becomes difficult. That said you must try and keep up your health. Eat, hydrate and exercise. At the same time I would suggest you get some I/C to help you with how YOU are dealing with this mess. If needed get on some medication to assist you. There is no shame in seeking help and don't think you can tough this out. Because you cant !!!

Once you get yourself to a place where you can make good decisions. Think about what it is that you want to do. Is R something you might want ? If so, its imperative you have a criteria of what you expect from your WW. Keep in mind that R is a gift offered from the BS to the WS. You are under no obligation to give this woman another chance. She gave up all her marital privledges the moment she slept with the OM. Both you and she needs to understand that. She also must be totally honest about what happened. How it started, how it progressed and what made her think that sleeping with another guy was the right thing to do. Right now she is blame shifting. She is blaming you for her actions. That's simply bullshit. Don't go for it and don't allow it. No matter what was going on in your M it does not excuse her from sleeping with another person. Period, end of story. She must own her shit. Her A and the decision to enter into it is all on her. She needs to personally accept it and find out why it happened. She also needs to change her behaviors so it will never happen again. You need to have a list of demands and boundaries. You also must have a plan in place should she deviate from those. Consequences are very vital in this scenario. Enforcing those consequences are vital as well. And if you decide that D is what is needed, you must not feel guilty. She had to know prior to banging another guy that D was a possibility. She took that risk anyway. Once again action / consequence. R is not for everyone and not all can do it. Before you decide on what your gonna do, think long and hard.

I'm going to stop blabbing right now. I could probably go on and on about what needs to be done. But this is enough for now. You have found yourself at a great place for comfort and advice. Keep in mind that every member here has walked in your shoes. You might read stuff here that will be great and you might read stuff that may piss you off. Keep it all in perspective. No one is trying to personally attack you. In fact a swift kick in the ass at times is very helpful. Mostly you will get nothing but support. Most of the members here will give advice from hindsight. We are experts because of the things we did wrong. No one here wants another soul to make the same mistakes we did. Read up in the healing library, great stuff in there. Post and read often as knowledge is power. The informed BS is the one who heals the fastest. Once again welcome. I hope you keep posting.

We have gone to a few Counseling sessions but I come away from them worse and angry. Its always all my fault. If I had paid more attention. If I had done this or that.

That would make me angry too.

None of that is true.

The affair is all on her.

100%.

You should probably change counselors.

If your wife isn't remorseful - you can't put it there for her, don't try. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

Thanks ya'll for the real warm welcome. I shall post the entire story at a later time. We have told a few close friends. I was quite let down when a few of who I thought were my best friends told me to shake it off and get over it and go on with life. Surprisingly the couple that we thought were the shallowest friends were the ones that have been with us through this ordeal. The A was 3 months ago. I had noticed some differences in her behavior and she told me that I was quite distant from her for a year and the last 3 months I had been magically Nice. She couldnt believe it . She was too far gone to have gotten out of the despair she was feeling even with me starting to do nice things. The last one year we Had been argueing a lot. I used to meet her in the middle and oft times be the one to diffuse the fight although I am the one that also escalates it in the first place. Last year I stopped. thinking that I should be giving in so much and Hoped for her to do some things from her side. Guess she DID do something from her side. 2 months after the A she had been talking to this man occasionally and also crying herself to sleep everyday. One day I came home from the night shift and found he red eyed and crying. I Thought something bad had happened. And I asked her what a bunch of times. Thats when she told me amidst tears. Like I said earlier shes an introvert and I am flamboyant extrovert. Most of the friends we have are met by me first and through my work. she always felt that she cannot make friends as easily as me. She followed me around the world with my career and embraced my hobbies and habits. She met a couple 3 yrs ago the OM who was a stay at home dad while the mom was working. Then she Had an A and they got divorced. She got along with him well and since they both had lots of common ground being involved with kids school etc they bonded well as good friends. I would have rather she had female friends but I am not the Jealous type ( at least I wasnt ) So I didnt worry. She likes dancing and took some classes. Naturally I went with her although I have two left feet and she rose up in the class. She got invited to parties and I tried to go with her to all of them. One month my parents were visiting and I had to go on a 2 day trip. I fell ill with a Bad Cold. One of the worst I had in recent years but knowing this trip was crucial to my position and thus getting more home time I took it anyways and was in a hotel room shivering with fever at night and working by day. That evening there was one such Dance party and she went leaving My parents to watch our kids. ( Our youngest kid has had tons of allergies so we have been over protective with him in many ways and thus it has made us choose the kids over a couple married life. I realised that it was necessary and I was fine with that. We have been very close to the kids not having left them with anyone till the last 4 to 5 months and that too only my parents. ) So now she goes to this party and and got drunk on 5 large glasses of wine. Then tried calling two of my buddies to drive her home. All were at work so she called this OM and he was at another party. He came over they had a drink together and then he said he lived nearby. So she said ok We can go there and get a coffee and sober up. There she stayed and while he made coffee she came into the kitchen laid her head on his shoulder and it started. She says that he started it coz he kissed her. But Laying your head on shoulder is an invitation. He then drove her home and she went to bed with my kids. I think that there is a lot that she must have thought in the time after and they met a few times. She told him she was feeling bad and wanted to tell me. He told her that if she did and i reacted and told his work that he would lose his job and as a result his kids. She told me anyways. Initially my reaction was cold numb shock and in that I felt like I needed to protect her and i was consoling her more and didnt have time to feel hurt just shock. Then we started with a counseller who said I seemed to be fine and didnt need counseling. I was laughing and candid about what I felt. She didnt see through my charade. She did say one thing My WW needs to stay away from this man. Yet she messaged him a few times. Then within a week she went on a trip with the kids to see her parents far far away. She asked me if it was ok I said yeah sure. But I wasn't. I didnt know till she left and it was bad. We fought constantly over the phone. and she messaged him a few times. And then I asked her one night for her Facebook password and she said Why? I sighed and said whatever and went to bed. The next morning she messaged me the password and I asked her. Have you Spoken to him. She said "NO " and I said I loaded an archive software and I see your messages now tell me ( I fibbed ) And she cried and said yes I did but i diodnt want you reading into that and It wasnt anything. Its just that he messaged and she responded. NOW I have seen their messages and its pretty lame with mundane topics on life and kids schooling etc. I dont know where I am going typing all this I did say I would type the story later But I almost did all of it here. Please tell me if I need to edit this . Ya'll are so welcoming I dont want to bore you to death. I had found a site when I first found out that had 10 rules to recover from betrayal. And I Sent that to her while she was on vacation. and requested her to hold them dear and that those sounded So very helpful and true and would help me heal. She read iit but didnt hold it as sacred as I thought they needed to be. Then she told me she didnt like rule 4 where it says its all her fault and she is solely responsible. Today she does say that she is solely responsible for the A and that act. But the other marital proiblems she says she wont. She says she had a problem with out marriage and on one drunken moment took this leap and now she feels trapped like she cant even ask for what she was asking back then because of what she did. I dont think she got the kind of support from this guy and that bothers me. Because I wonder if he pursued her more after would she still have told me? She says she never would have done it if she wasnt drunk. Ok I will leave this typing for now and try and sleep. Never had trouble sleepping before . 14 , 16 hrs were easy for me. Now Its great if I can sleep 8 hrs.

Again thanks for your warm welcome . I sincerely appreciate your ear.

Your wife doesn't seem remorseful; actually sounds entitled as per her comments in MC about it being your fault.

Using resentment to justify her affair, which was probably more than a one night stand. Its done for the excitement and romantic fantasy and the resentment is manufactured or exaggerated to minimize her quilt.

The current situation is loaded with disrespect; she thinks you are weak and has little guilt about what she has done. You come across as meek and mild and non-aggressive; maybe she thinks you would never divorce her because you don't have the balls so as to speak and you love her much too much.

The answer is to get quietly angry and pull away. Adopt a tough stance and put separation and divorce on the table. You need to take control of this situation and give your wife a taste of what life could be without without this marriage. Otherwise there is no solution; the affair will be rugswept and the unhappiness will stay buried inside of you, waiting for your WW to cheat again.

I have been putting the Divorce aspect and the She will be on her own if we end this point on the table. She has in the two months post telling me planned and took me on a beach resort vacation for the two of us. We fought every evening. and She walked out at the end of it not being able to take what she calls "Mind Fing ". She bought me surprise presents. But all these are what I feel she would want should the situation be reversed. What i want is for her to be with me even when I am ranting and stick it out. One thing though initially she blamed me for getting her to this place before the A but she does say that the A was all her mistake and she understands that. Its so tough to understand whether she really feels remorse or just guilt at having ruined her life and letting her own morals down.

Cloudnine - am fairly new myself (one month D-day tomorrow) but I recognize some of the same responses from my H - different story as he carried on for 19 months - but essentially he still sees the A as caused by something he wasn't getting in the relationship (he "detached") - and while he expresses remorse I don't think he gets the pain of the damage or the fact that whatever wasn't working for him in our M his choice sleep with someone else was hardly going to fix it. He too is someone who has real problems talking (I think he'd now like to put it all behind us and not talk about it any more) - ultimately it's you that takes precedence now - get what you need to heal. I personally don't need all the details but I need honesty and I need him to actually "get" what he did if I will ever consider R. Sorry you are among SI but this is a great bunch of people

I think its quite common for a WS to feel guilt and remorse but be unable to discuss the affair and allow the BS to talk openly about the betrayal. Your WW just wants it to go away and for you to completely forget it ever happened.

I remember a TV program some time ago when a small group of WW's discussed their attitude to the affair. They all dismissed the sexual side as being irrelevant; it happened, its over lets move on type of approach. Just the same as your wife.

I suppose its understandable; after all they can't turn the clock back, its going to be the elephant in the room for the rest of the marriage, but lets cope with it by not discussing it at all.

The best thing I suppose is to keep your misery to yourself since your WW responds with anger if you bring the issue up.

MC would help if your wife is agreeable; maybe a counsellor could get her to see commonsense, the need to help you to heal and the requirement for tolerance when you 'rant and rave'..

Why you think this was a ONS?

Did you have anything to support this claim of her? She may be minimizing or in damage control.

Trust but verify.

She is not remorseful may be regretful of telling you and facing little consequences.

I think you get the password after some cleaning up by her.

Ask her to send an NC letter, in your presence, they can never remain as friends.Then get tested for STDs and HIV.If she refuses any tell her you will see the lawyer tomorrow.

Again trust but verify.

For many cheating is a deal braker, is it a deal braker for you? Take your own time nd decide what you want from this marriage.

Take control of the situation, your healing is important not her BS needs or what she feels.

[This message edited by kannan at 9:45 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Hi Sorry I havent been on fro a while just reading and wallowing. You say trust but Verify. How Do i verify. I had quite a nice First time All by myself session with the MC and I talked a whole bunch but the last 5 minutes something clicked and I was able to forget it happened and be able to concentrate on Our recovery. She told me that this guy she was with was in his own troubles of his wife cheating on him and their divorce and my WS meant nothing to her other than a friend. and that after this he was like Oh Crap this happened and I want nothing to do with her. she meant nothing to him and he just cut off seeing the fallout. So My WS had a one time Drunken tryst and now is not only battling guilt and betraying her kids and soulmate but Also huge rejection. That gave me fuel to be able to not feel the pain. we went out on a dancing date and had a great time the next day was also quite nice. but now I am going back to OMG How could she do this ti me. She is trying her best sending me messages answering questions and talking when I need and when she can spare time between kids and schoolruns and housework but Why have I lost that "Ok Lets get over this " feeling that I had those two days. Oh BTW at the dance we were dancing up a storm and then I had to take a break. There was this radio jockey that interviewed her once and he asked her to dance while I ate and she asked me I said ok and then I waled away from the table to go behind the bar and see. Also To Smoke ( a bad habit I Started after Dday. ) Standing there she seemd to be having a nice time and I was glad ( He wasnt a threat In fact I think she felt pity that he was all alione there and no one to dance.) Well apparently he wasnt a gentleman while dancing and so she stopped and told him "Boundaries" and walked away and looked for me and I wasnt at the table. He followed her and Then she called me on the phone so I walked over to her. She was so Depressed that these leeches are crawling out of the woodworks. I didnt see her REally IRATE with him. I Know he was being over friendly but I didnt think anything of it until she screamed at me in the car that he touched her butt and where the F was I etc etc. Anyways thats update. I honestly dont think it was something big. Now if he was a good looking toned guy I wonder if I would have felt the same nonchalance. Or if she would have stopped him. Oh God I am slinking into the worst depths of humanity. Doubting hurting

Arrgghh

Just a tip: Hit "enter" to break up your posts - it's easier to read, and you'll get more replies...

Now, her screaming at you.

Here's a big fat NO to that.

That is completely wrong.

Why are you allowing it?

I know that's tough to hear, but it is important!

Do you find yourself 'stuffing your feelings' to keep the peace?

Walking on eggshells?

Get. Another. Counselor.

See a lawyer - get informed.

All the energy your spending trying to fix her and your M is the reason your healing is being delayed.

Turn all that focus and energy on you.

Her screaming abuse of you stops when you say it stops.

Put your foot down.

Grab your balls.

Demand respect.

Settle for nothing less.

You deserve it.

i would not give the MC anymore money if i left there feeling it was my fault

Yea, Cloud, paragraph breaks are you friend.....

It does sound as if your WW is upset about what she did and regrets it. But she just isn't *all the way there* yet.

It isn't your job to *save* her from the touchy-feely club guys. She needs to learn how to shut off the *give me attention* sign. She needs to learn how to fight her own battles against creeps. If that means that she doesn't pity-dance with anyone else, then so be it.

Perhaps you might try being a little less *conciliatory* and a bit more demanding of her to *carry her own water*......

Lots of food for thought. Yes I agree with you gonna be. She is in the I need vibe stage and in the not all the way back to "Us" So I will have to give it time and see. but in the meantime should I continue being neutral, Or be the person she wanted me to be ( More involved ) before the affair which drove her to check out of me ? or to say Its done now no matter what you felt you did this and new boundaries new rules you lost your right to me changing. now its gonna have to be all you like most others have advised?

jjet, since the affair I have been having multiple personalities. One is the How dare you .. Other is the Oh my darling has been hurt. another is the I know I was getting signs that she wasnt happy but I thought she would persevere and I was wrong so I started it so let me give her forgiveness and try to give her the chance to reconcile and get better to be better with us. Other is you did this to me Ill show you that i can do much better than you . ( Not worked on this one much just a bit of anger ) Or the I cant take this anymore lets just get the divorce and start fresh and you will see what you have lost. She hasnt worked ( at least not anything that earns money although she has done tons of volunteer work ) ( and shes mad at me for pointing that she prefers volunteer stuff while I bring in the bread )another is a side that i hate When I go on work trips lately And spend a noght or two away I get Really Desperate and haunt her with threats of leaving her or fighting her for the kids etc. I have asked her all details of the day. and she has given me every detail I ask. and I HAVE asked every detail more than I should probably. BUt I have an overactive imagination and Id rather not be conjuring up fake things to get me mad. Also what one of you has said got me going. I do believe that this is a one time thing and I Cant explain why . But I know. Just as I knew the minute she had the night. I Knew it was Surreal that I did. From Total trust to instant mistrust and I recogniosed it and started snooping and told my best friend I think shes cheated on me etc. Then I Shushed it thinking No Way Not her the perfect mom and Ideal Wife who was my Rock solid :Pillar. I was the floozey not her. I was sure I woulda done something as stupid as this first. But Surprising thing is I didnt even with all my chances. Scared ? Maybe? Love? Maybe. ethical and Old fashioned ? Maybe. But Bottom Line I didnt

So Now I rethink everything she said and did over the last 12 years. and I can get an innocent and a devious thought to every one of them. When does this end? its a vicious circle.