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Regret not remorse

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Itstoohard posted 10/7/2013 07:22 AM

I had a feeling he wouldn't be able to do the work and I was right. I HATE being right. He seemed to be doing the work and I would let myself respond accordingly. But late July I told him,we need to talk, we had stopped as things were good and of course it wasn't his favorite thing to do.i told him again in Aug and then I told him coming on year from DD I really needed him to talk. NOTHING.
He can't/ won't give me a timeline.
I'm lost what to do. I have withdrawn. Rebuilding wall of protection. This R cannot be all me doing the work.....

AFrayedKnot posted 10/7/2013 10:08 AM


You are right, you can't R alone. Have you written out specifically what you need from him in R?

TrustGone posted 10/7/2013 10:19 AM

I know how you feel and I am sorry you are going through this. I am in the same sinking boat with WH#2. He refuses to discuss the A or anything related to it. He just wants it to go away and pretend he didn't do it for 3yrs. I feel we are at a standstill in R, but I am not in a position to ask for a D, nor do I want one. He is transparent as far as I know and I believe he is now NC and has been for awhile, but that doesn't get rid of the elephant in the rooom so to speak. He will not read anything I give him on infedlity, nor will he attend IC. He is sweet most of the time, but he was during the A, so that doesn't make me feel any better. I wished I had some advice, but I really don't. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. (((HUGS)))

Itstoohard posted 10/7/2013 10:54 AM

Chicho- no I haven't written my request as it has been just asking for communication. I need to talk. Need to see if I can help him remember.(hugs)

TG- I can relate. He did start out very well but I think "it's toohard" for him.

I just don't know what to do to get his attention...and then I think I don't even want his attention.

StillStanding1 posted 10/7/2013 11:03 AM

(((itstoohard))) (((trustgone)))

I am right there with you. He's done a lot right in trying to fix the M. Our MC steered us wrong. She's not an infidelity specialist. She kind of encouraged rugsweeping as I see it. So, here we are 8 months out, and not making it because we've ignored the elephant in the room.

My WH doesn't want to dig either. I am withdrawing also. Just like you, rebuilding my wall of protection. I can't do it alone. I get that. I just can't believe he doesn't care enough to try... I just feel like, once I give up, he will finally be released from his burden to try to R without any guilt. How is that possible?

I don't have any advice either, just wanted to say I'm standing right beside you. Wishing you strength, comfort, and eventual peace.

tushnurse posted 10/7/2013 11:15 AM

It sucks to be stuck in this spot, and quite honestly I know we get stuck here for different reasons, but I couldn't stay there very long.

You are absolutely 100% correct in you cannot R the M alone. Until the WS steps up and does the work, the only thing that I can recommend you do is get yourself good and strong. Find your you, your inner strength, and happiness within yourself.

At some point you have to make it hard on WS. You have to give the ultimatium, or show them the door to get them to do the real work. If they are allowed to live in the limbo they will do it, because they think it's easier than dealing with it, and doing the work, which is just shortsighted stupidity. Once they do the work, it can be so much better.

Fear of the unknown paralyzes us. It's taking that first step, and knowing that the unknown may hold better brighter and happier times that really is the impetus for change.

Don't settle for this. Demand the respect and love, and honor you deserve.

(((and strength)))

Itstoohard posted 10/7/2013 20:19 PM

once I give up, he will finally be released from his burden to try to R without any guilt.

Exactly SS1.

Tushnurse I know you are right. He could do limbo real well. He did try for awhile and gave me so much hope but apparently it was too much work.

Itstoohard posted 10/7/2013 20:20 PM

Double post

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 8:20 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Itstoohard posted 11/6/2013 20:45 PM

Well his latest remark- I'm focused on going forward! So I told him, go yourself. He's turned right back to the ass he was.
Today he says he wants to talk about "us". My schedule was too crazy so he didn't want to start when I had to leave in a few minutes.
Tomorrow we will both be home and I am seriously thinking of telling him I Do not want to talk. That I am moving forward and talk will just set me back.
Not too sure how this 180 works.

cantaccept posted 11/7/2013 04:46 AM

I have definitely been where you are and not so long ago. Maybe a month?

I finally just was okay with ending the marriage. It came from within me. It just became "the pain of same exceeded the pain of change".

I was just ready to end the marriage if this was all there was. I could not R alone.

I was very clear about what I expected and how I felt and what actions I was prepared to take. You have to know in yourself what you are honestly prepared to live with.

At first, when I presented this to h, he was defensive, shut down and agreeing with me that it was time to end the marriage.

The next morning he came to me. He opened up just a tiny bit and admitted that he didn't really want to d.

I again stated my minimum requirements. He agreed. He wasn't great about following through but he has slowly been getting better.

The last couple of weeks have been really good. Not easy but good. He needed to face the reality of losing me, that it was a very real possibility. I had to face the possibility that he was willing to lose me. I did not want to stay with him though if I did not mean enough to him for the effort.

He had to make that decision. I had to be brave enough to take the risk and prepared to face the outcome.

Just be careful. Be sure in yourself that you are ready to accept whatever the outcome may be.

A year of IC and MC and SI helped me to be sure of what I want for my life.

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