You are right, you can't R alone. Have you written out specifically what you need from him in R?
TG- I can relate. He did start out very well but I think "it's toohard" for him.
I just don't know what to do to get his attention...and then I think I don't even want his attention.
I am right there with you. He's done a lot right in trying to fix the M. Our MC steered us wrong. She's not an infidelity specialist. She kind of encouraged rugsweeping as I see it. So, here we are 8 months out, and not making it because we've ignored the elephant in the room.
My WH doesn't want to dig either. I am withdrawing also. Just like you, rebuilding my wall of protection. I can't do it alone. I get that. I just can't believe he doesn't care enough to try... I just feel like, once I give up, he will finally be released from his burden to try to R without any guilt. How is that possible?
I don't have any advice either, just wanted to say I'm standing right beside you. Wishing you strength, comfort, and eventual peace.
You are absolutely 100% correct in you cannot R the M alone. Until the WS steps up and does the work, the only thing that I can recommend you do is get yourself good and strong. Find your you, your inner strength, and happiness within yourself.
At some point you have to make it hard on WS. You have to give the ultimatium, or show them the door to get them to do the real work. If they are allowed to live in the limbo they will do it, because they think it's easier than dealing with it, and doing the work, which is just shortsighted stupidity. Once they do the work, it can be so much better.
Fear of the unknown paralyzes us. It's taking that first step, and knowing that the unknown may hold better brighter and happier times that really is the impetus for change.
Don't settle for this. Demand the respect and love, and honor you deserve.
Tushnurse I know you are right. He could do limbo real well. He did try for awhile and gave me so much hope but apparently it was too much work.
[This message edited by Itstoohard at 8:20 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
I finally just was okay with ending the marriage. It came from within me. It just became "the pain of same exceeded the pain of change".
I was just ready to end the marriage if this was all there was. I could not R alone.
I was very clear about what I expected and how I felt and what actions I was prepared to take. You have to know in yourself what you are honestly prepared to live with.
At first, when I presented this to h, he was defensive, shut down and agreeing with me that it was time to end the marriage.
The next morning he came to me. He opened up just a tiny bit and admitted that he didn't really want to d.
I again stated my minimum requirements. He agreed. He wasn't great about following through but he has slowly been getting better.
The last couple of weeks have been really good. Not easy but good. He needed to face the reality of losing me, that it was a very real possibility. I had to face the possibility that he was willing to lose me. I did not want to stay with him though if I did not mean enough to him for the effort.
He had to make that decision. I had to be brave enough to take the risk and prepared to face the outcome.
Just be careful. Be sure in yourself that you are ready to accept whatever the outcome may be.
A year of IC and MC and SI helped me to be sure of what I want for my life.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie