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do the OW ever go away-Im really losing it!

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Hopetosurvive98 posted 10/7/2013 07:40 AM

Anyone deal with evil OW that wont go away?? In my case the A deeply involved OW two best friends as well who facilitated it and also befriended me for even more info. Its been two years and the friends still every few months make contact. Mostly by calling my H best friend (they all worked for the same company) or texting H directly. Well H got a new job in June and of course all of them went crazy and called and texted. My H changed his number. Now last week another former coworker (H was her boss and one of the BFF's boss too) called around until he found someone who gave her the new cell number. I read the texts and my H evidentally didnt make the connectin that it was a fishing attempt. This was the text "Hey this is xxxx, I got your new number and I have been thinking about you alot, how are you." next text "will you be at xxxx (out of town facility)this week? R (ow bff) and I will both be here and would love to see you." he replied "not this week." I saw this and immediately thought the whole thing didnt sound right. Why would this lady call around to find his cell? I immediately know the BFF put her up to it. and The fact that my H didnt make the connection really upset me. I had an epic meltdown. Epic. and I havent slept in four days now. I am really a mess becasue of these setbacks.

I mean anything where OW or her friends is involved I think it is wrong, wrong, wrong. This BFF in particular is evil. She tried to be my friend and came to our home several times and even stayed once while having work down on her house. I later discovered she was basically doing "work "for the ow, taking photos of me, our kids, and our home so that OW could have a windown into our lives. She also knew that the OW BH found out and helped my husband to keep me from finding out by hacking into my FB and email and unplugging our home phone. She is so evil.
Can I expect to just deal with the constant fishing forever? I guess they just havent moved on in two years. I know the BFF was again dating a married man who dumped her. I know OW has had several more work affairs. When will they go away? I cant take these setbacks constantly. I feel so defeated.

trumanshow posted 10/7/2013 07:54 AM

Oh Hope-I read your profile. You must be very strong since you've been able to process this betrayal to this point

I don't know the details of the NC and your H's reaction but I would say:

The AP will only go away when the WS wants it-and gives the BS 100% support/loyalty so that AP gets what they deserve-0%

I don't think your WS is that clueless about the connection

StrongerOne posted 10/7/2013 08:04 AM

Respectfully, Trumanshow, the WS does not always have control over the OW/OM. Sometimes there is truly an "evil OW that won't go away."

Hopeto, I *think* your WH is just a doofus here, especially since it's been a long time since OW and her scuzzy posse have made contact. I would go on the assumption that that's what happened. Some people are morons, emotionally(my H, for instance). Sit down with your WH and make a list of all the people he needs to be NC with. Make the list together. Discuss what to do when they get in touch. For example, texts = crickets and block the number. Email = crickets and block the address (or send it to a spam folder, if the account won't allow blocking, then dump the spam folder contents first thing every morning, without looking in it). And so on.

What a PITA. I hope you do not have to keep dealing with this...My H's MCOW kept fishing (and more) for about 8 months. She seems to have finally gone away. Maybe she decided her own H was worth keeping, poor guy.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:06 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Hopetosurvive98 posted 10/7/2013 09:03 AM

Thank you both for the replies. Truman, Id like to think I am strong. Sadly I internalize most everything. My FWH and his OW and friends were very diabolical with me. I was even bullied into taking a company trip with my husband (im terrified of flying), I later found it I was being forced into it because OW wanted to meet me and see me. She thought it would be good for her self esteem I guess bc I had just had a baby. It was not, she was surprised to see what I look like and the incident resulted in her getting alot of facial and breast surgeries (what a dumbass).
Anyhow there was cruelty on many levels.
The OW only calls my H BFF to try to fact find and last time she did so was June. The OW friends last texted my H in June as well and that prompted the number change.

I do believe my husband felt that last weeks texts from yet another coworker was a fishing attempt but chose not to look at that way. He really wants to believe they have moved on and usually after a few months we feel they have and then BOOM they are back. It has been 2yrs now! They have all three had mulitple affairs-got to wonder if they harrass all of the former OPs this much.
No, I do not think my husband has much control over anything they do and he knows that everytime they fish it is a huge setback for me and that I still contemplate divorce because I really cant take anymore.

PeaceLove187 posted 10/7/2013 09:40 AM

If your gut tells you your H realized this was a fishing attempt then he probably did. Sometimes the WS is too weak to appear rude by not responding and sometimes they're secretly intriqued by the contact. Either way you need to be clear with your boundaries. Draw him a picture. If he responds to or contacts the off-limits names in any way, you need to react. You can move into the guest room, talk to a lawyer, file for divorce or anything along that spectrum.

I hate having to police the man who is supposed to protect me. I don't think they understand how difficult it is to stay married when the trust is gone.

Kierst13 posted 10/7/2013 09:48 AM

I would tell your WS he either gets rid of her and her friends once and for all, or he packs his bags.

He needs to file harassment charges or get a cease and desists letter to all involved parties. You shouldn't have to live through more trauma.

cliffside posted 10/7/2013 10:19 AM

Did you ever send her a formal NC letter? If not, send one via certified mail stating that if she or anyone connected to her contact you or your husband you will get a restraining order against them.
And gently, I don't like your husband's passive attitude towards this. He should be laying down the law and telling anyone associated with these people to get the f out of his life. I know he changed his phone, etc., but he should be livid that anyone has made contact with him. He should be finding out how they got his new number and whoever gave it to them should be drop kicked out of your life.

Hugs to you. I spend every day looking over my shoulder for the psychobitch MOW and it sucks.

TrustGone posted 10/7/2013 10:33 AM

My WH#2's OW is the same way. It has been over a year since NC was established, but she still on occasion texts my WH#2. The last time I know of is April, but I am not sure if she calls him at work. He says she doesn't, but of course he is a liar, so...When I found the text in April, I also found where he called her. He said he called to tell her to leave us alone, but again he is a liar so who knows. The bad thing is that it sets the BS back to the beginning everytime it happens and what little trust that you may have built is gone again.

I hope that your WH gets a clue that this is fishing. I think in a way it gives them the external validation that someone is out there pinning away for them. (((HUGS)))

Hopetosurvive98 posted 10/7/2013 10:53 AM

Peacelove-I think he realized it was a fishing attempt but since it was another girl who at the time of the A wasnt a factor (didnt even work for the co. at that time) he chose to believe it was innocent. But even her choice of words in her text raised red flags to me and the fact that she had to find someone to give her the number. FWH now acknowledges that he believes R (OW bff) put this lady up to it bc it would be way to suspicious if she did it herself. FWH knows my line. It is no contact with any of the 3 of them and now I have added this other women into that group too. I did file divorce after dday and had an very strict postnup drawn up. He knows where I stand.
Kierst- in all honesty he has tried to be rid of them. I had lawyers draw up letters to them after dday. When he was able he got a new job and then when contact didnt stop he changed his number too. Im not sure if this constitutes harrassment? They never make threats and he never responds. Should he respond to them to stop the contact to start a papertrail? Might be a wise idea.
Cliffside- Yes, he sent a NC letter via certified mail, and email. She sent the letter back unopened with black scribble allover it. Therefore we dont know if she ever read it. I sent an email to all three women (OW and her two besties ) through company email once FWH and I decided to R and when I realized that one of the OW Bffs was going to start working directly for FWH. My letter was very clear and concise to them. Problem is this I gather-all of them are perpetual OW. All of them are currently divorced over A's and one of the BFF was divorced a few times bc of it. They all consider themselves saviors of married men (looney as it is, it is true. I was lucky enought that OW BH gave me 2yrs worth of texts between all of them) they really only go after married men and they dont like to "lose". They see it as competition. When the A was outted and FWH dropped all of them like a hot potatoe they went nuts. Attacking me thru all sorts of means and trying not to let FWH getaway. And YES, he should be laying down the law. That is why I went nuts. It was his reaction to this latest fishing attempt. He thought that not responding was right (which I guess it is) but then he decided after 5 unanswered texts to tell her that he would not be in that facility that week. He knows who gave the new girl the phone number but doubts-as do I-that he knew he shouldnt have done that. It was another former employee of FWH who doesnt know anything about the A . When this woman asked for it he didnt know it was wrong.
Trustgone- this whole thing sucks and Im sorry you have to deal with OW trying to fish too. My FWH knows now that it was a fishing attempt. It sucks living waiting for more attempts. Kind of sad that these OW arent able to move forward. Must a sad life for them.

trumanshow posted 10/7/2013 12:09 PM

Respectfully, Trumanshow, the WS does not always have control over the OW/OM. Sometimes there is truly an "evil OW that won't go away."

You're right-I meant to add that and failed to. There really are more bunny boilers out there than I would have guessed.

Myheartstillhurt posted 10/7/2013 12:18 PM

Wait a second here. She identified herself in the text and told him that her and her best friend would love to see him? As well as telling him she had been thinking about him a lot? And his reply is that he wouldn't be there that week?

I would double check those phone records and be sure those are the ONLY texts going back and forth. Something sure doesn't seem right. His response leaves things open. If he really wanted OW out of his life he would tell her to f*** off and never text him again, especially since she was a co-conspirator in the destruction and pain that was caused to his marriage.

I don't know your whole story, and I am sorry that this is happening to you.. But, my suggestion is to dig a little deeper on this one.


hummingbird8 posted 10/7/2013 12:29 PM

Also does he know for sure this is the other employees number? Couldn't it have been OW with a different number? He should have ignored and blocked the number or said sorry you have the wrong number. Giving them any information just keeps it going. I'm sorry.

heartache101 posted 10/7/2013 12:54 PM


My question is if he has changed jobs how in the bleep does any of them know his routine for the new job? Also why would he think it is ok for another woman to text him and say she was thinking of him and respond? Sorry but this to me doesnt add up.

Secrets Kept posted 10/7/2013 20:57 PM

I am so so sorry but the whole time I was reading your posts (& profile) I was thinking the same thing as "myheartstillhurt".

Something just isn't right about the whole situation.

While reading your profile, I had thoughts about if you were sure of absolute NC & wondered if you were monitoring everything WH was doing,etc. Something just didn't sit right with me about it all. (I would need to go back & read it again to elaborate what exactly gave me these thoughts though).

And after this post.....same thing. Something just doesn't seem right again!?!?

LivinginLimbo posted 10/10/2013 19:35 PM

Our lawyer had a process server deliver his letter after a year and a half of the OW's crap. This way she couldn't deny having received it.

It included a copy of the law she'd be violating if she contacted FWH again. We've had 4 months of peace.

It's a terrible thing to deal with this. I do hope you're able to get them to stop.

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