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Feeling very alone.

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Zayda1 posted 10/7/2013 07:41 AM

Lately I've been feeling very alone. Only one of my friend knows about WH's affair. She tries, but I know she is tired of hearing about my issues. I don't want to be "that girl" who only talking about her problems so I've made a point of only talking about the good things with her.

My family and WH's parents know about the affair. When I do talk about my pain, my struggles all they do is point out that he is with me now and he buys me flowers so he must love me.

Nobody seems to care that I'm hurting. Even our MC doesn't understand. When we switched schools he came down on me because he thinks I give the AP too much power.

I have an IC appointment booked, but can't get in until the 26th. Right now I feel like I'm barely treading water.

Blargh...what is wrong with me. Maybe I need a reality check. Don't really know why I posted this, just want someone to hear me I guess.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 7:49 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

OptimisticWife posted 10/7/2013 07:54 AM


I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. If it helps, I can totally relate. I feel lonely most of the time.

I recently saw a quote of Dr Phil's posted on FB. It said, "you're only lonely if you're not there for you".
This quote has given me a lot to think about. Hope it helps you too. All the best.

heme posted 10/7/2013 07:56 AM

I think its hard for others to understand when they have never been through it. You have a safe place here to vent and talk through whats going on. We care! There is nothing wrong with you, you are hurting and pain this deep doesn't go away quickly.

spinning73 posted 10/7/2013 08:18 AM

Just letting you know I hear you and can relate.
We have not told our families and I have told no friends. Its just WH and SI for me. (former) MC at 3mos post DD was surprised I still thought about the A daily

Hang in there. You have lots of virtual support!

ItsaClimb posted 10/7/2013 09:50 AM

{Zayda} I can relate. I often wish I had a sister, a brother, just someone I could talk to in real life.

I understand what you say about your friend. I have stopped confiding in my friend as I feel I don't want to burden her anymore, she pretty much carried me through the first few months, but I don't want to become a pain.

SI is a life-saver, to know there is always someone to listen, who genuinely understands! Just wish I lived close enough to attend a G2G!

Morhurt posted 10/7/2013 10:58 AM

I too can relate. Our moms know and his one brother and a friend that lives far away but that's it. I haven't told any of my close by friends and it is very lonely.
Our MC was an idiot and not helpful to me at all (actually very much the opposite if helpful). Thankfully I love my IC but it's not always enough.

I'm sorry you're hurting. :(

I talk a lit to my H to relieve the pressure inside me. It helps usually. Have you been doing that?

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/7/2013 11:00 AM

you have been heard. I think we have all been there. I know i have a friend i confide in, and she has been wonderful, but even the best of friends cant make the "alone" go away. Unless you have been there, you really dont know.

Even our MC doesn't understand. When we switched schools he came down on me because he thinks I give the AP too much power.

I wish to offer you some support here. I totally disagree with your MC. Its not about you giving the AP power...its about creating a safe environment for you to heal within. In order to begin healing....the BS must find a sense of safety and security in any way we can. Switching schools gave you that safety. And for your MC to make you feel bad about that....well, its just plain wrong. Switching schools takes courage and strength, and i applaud you for making such a bold move towards healing.

We all feel like we are treading water some days....keep treading. We are all here for you. You are never alone.

hugs to you

betrayedbyluv posted 10/7/2013 13:23 PM

A MC should NEVER (IMO) come down on you for doing something that feels right for you or makes you feel better (unless of course it's illegal, damaging to you etc)! I refuse to go back to our MC because she told me that I should destroy all my evidence because that's the only way I will heal! My IC said that was crazy, I will destroy or not destroy when I am ready and only I can decide that!

I can completely relate to feeling alone. I also have only ONE friend that I can talk to about our issues consistently and I too don't want to become a burden to her. It's so hard to not feel alone when you are going through something so traumatizing! My solace has been books and websites like these (granted I don't come that often to these either which I should correct).

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/7/2013 13:37 PM

A very good piece of advice that I was given a month or so ago ...on this site I am positive...was this...

do not discuss the A or ask for advice from anyone who has not experienced it themselves.

It is so incredibly true. Think about how you looked at "affairs" in other peoples M's before you found out about this.
Think about the "advice" you would have given had a friend come to you...BEFORE you found out.
My whole world was different before Dday. I cant open myself to sharing this with people unless I KNOW they understand. (Hence, my love affair with this site.)
As well intentioned as our loved ones are, THEY HAVE NO IDEA!
And the last thing you should be worried about is how you come across to other people. yourself a favor.
Take some time to do WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. I know its hard to know what that is...especially now...but thats okay. If you don't know what to do...dont do anything. But the one thing you shouldn't be doing is worrying what other people think of your actions.
I had to just tell my mom- "Mom, its not easy for me- but trust me- I will be fine. Thanks for the advice, but I am dealing with this my way."
My way apparently involved me being a complete lunatic for 2 months straight- but it was my way. :)
You will get through this..somehow. Just believe that. You aren't alone. There are so many people here to offer support to you on your bad days---and on your good ones (you will have some, I promise) you get to come on and help others through some of these awful awful things.

catlover50 posted 10/7/2013 13:54 PM

I counseled an employee when I heard her H had cheated on her and introduced her to this website. She said that I was the only one who made any sense to her.

Even my good friends who know seem confused when I cycle up and down (but I thought you were doing so well last week?). I also pretty much just share the positives with them. And fortunately we do have a lot of those to share. But sometimes...I just really need to be here and get support for those down days.

And not feel alone!


Zayda1 posted 10/7/2013 14:07 PM

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Today is rough and I don't see an end in sight.

TarnishedSilver posted 10/7/2013 14:24 PM

I can relate as well! It has been a very emotional few years for me.
My parents are no longer alive to give me support. I do have a sister, but her husband is no prize and makes my feh look like a saint so she is not too much support.
(Itsaclimb) you ever get...well it was long ago in he past! ? Like hat matters!!

My father in law asked fwh not too long ago how things are going. (Fwh told his parents about his past) fwh said we are working on our relationship. Get this...father in law long does it take!!!! OMG
Fwh said as long as it takes!

You are not alone. Come here for support.

soconfusednow posted 10/7/2013 14:29 PM

She tries, but I know she is tired of hearing about my issues.

I realized this when my friend said "I can recommend a good lawyer"

Sometimes I feel the loneliest when we are laying in bed with his arm around me but barely touching me, his hand in a fist on the bed. Makes me wonder if he's just going through the motions to keep the peace, while wishing I wasn't there or possibly wishing he was with the OW.

toughernow posted 10/7/2013 16:02 PM


Hi I am new to the forum although I have been contemplating joining for a long time. I am just over a year into reconciliation with my husband and there are times when I, like you feel so alone it hurts.
In the beginning I had my Mom and a very close friend to help me through. But like you I did not want to make those relationships into never ending "therapy sessions". I did IC for a while to get back to a place where I could function again. We tried MC a few times, but found it to be a "blunt Instrument", since his A was not a result of marital problems but a result of his problems/issues.
After I read your post I decided to join because I need others to talk to as well. H cannot talk to me about what happened. Just last night he told me again that every time his A comes up between us he feels so " ashamed" and "guilty for the pain he has caused me, our children and our friends. He said, "He is not strong enough to pull himself out of the deep feelings of depression he sinks into."
I responded by saying that, "If I can't talk to you about my feelings I don't think we will make it through this, and it takes two strong people to make it through something this devastating." so, that leaves me here hoping to find those who are willing to lend an ear and maybe share some wisdom on how to get through this.

Is there anyone else out there who has had this same experience during reconciliation? I would be so grateful for any advice, wisdom, support you can offer.

Itstoohard posted 10/7/2013 16:54 PM

Agree, unless someone has been thru this, they do not have a clue what to say or do for you. I was always a "dear Abby" but I know there were friends in the past that came to me when their spouse had an A and I want to say to them I am so sorry I was unable to help you.

ItsaClimb posted 10/8/2013 01:51 AM

(Itsaclimb) you ever get...well it was long ago in the past! ? Like that matters!!

Oh yes TarnishedSilver, my former best friend in fact no longer speaks to me as she "cannot believe I have been so harsh towards fWH for something that happened so long ago when he has been such a lovely husband for the last 9 years" The fact that he not only betrayed me, but lied to me for years seems to escape her. It's like people expect me to reward him for hiding it from me!

People that have not walked in our shoes have NO idea. Makes this a very lonely walk indeed. Thank heavens for SI!

Smokehouse posted 10/8/2013 02:48 AM

The betrayal and thoughts of our spouses with another is more than we can bare at times. An affair destroys everybody and everything in its path.

I have been having some really great days with my WW lately. A couple weeks ago I posted in the divorcing/separating thread. Not my fault I feel these ups and downs, as all of us will.

Zayda1, your MC sounds like he doesn't have a clue. If switching schools helped you, then that's what you should have done. Fuck who you are giving power to, do it for you. I wish you the best and better days and emotions ahead!

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