We have been doing well in R and I am starting to believe a lot of what he has told me because he told me lots he didn't have to e.g. I clung to the fact that he had been drinking the one time they slept together but he was very clear booze was not to blame, he knew what he was doing. He told me exactly which car park they went to although he knew it would hurt as it was where he taught me to drive.
His story has never really changed once he confessed to sex and the tt ended. The only change is that he has remembered a bit more about his thoughts and feelings at the time.
So in short I believe most of what he has said, he could have changed a lot of the details to make it more palatable to me and it really fits h's weakness of avoiding confrontation and not being able to say no. He did it cos he felt he had led her on and didn't want to offend her
So that's why I am starting to believe him....BUT
He claims not to remember the content of their mammoth text sessions every night. He is really not the sexting type at all so I believe it wasn't that.If she had started doing that he would have had time to think about what he wanted and he wouldn't have wanted it cos he wasn't looking for sex just attention. NO her style was to play friends then offer him a lift but drive him round in the dark and pounce on him so he didn't have time to think.
They spent hours every day texting though and it's driving me demented that he can't remember anymore than 'one night we discussed a film' hmmmmm that doesn't account for 60 texts in one night does it!!
All in all he sent her 750 texts in 6 weeks. Every night when I went to bed they would text for hours.
He says it was unimportant banal texting and mostly one word responses from him. I only know how often he text her not how often she text him. He has admitted to being unable to not reply to her cos he was so caught up in the attention.
I know she is a textaholic cos when she tried befriending me (stupid h had his head so far up his own orifice he thought if she met me she would call off A so he gave her my number!!)she would text non stop about crap. He insists that's what their nightly chats were like. About work, tv, films,music he even sent her photos of our pets apparently. I have found these on his phone but I only have his word that that was what he actually sent her.
Can anyone really send that many texts about nothing?
She did agree with everything he said and miraculously enjoyed all the same things he did so I have some horrible idea of how the texts may have really gone. Moaning about the chores he had done that day and her telling him how he should be free to do what he wants.
I imagine the two of them snuggled up in their respective homes but basically on a 'date' every night. Sharing thoughts and histories, likes and dislikes, joking back and forth, discussing their days, saying good night and good morning. It makes me sick.
But still he insists he can't remember. He HATES me calling them his nightly dates with her but that's how I see it in the absence of any info from him. I think I know him well enough to know that 'dating' aspect would have appealed to his ego hugely.
Another reason I really don't think it was sexting is he has told me many times how he tried to stop the texting cos it was interfering with his home life (he only wanted her at work and me at home, nice eh)only to be told 'we're not doing anything wrong, just friends texting. She was very manipulative. He would put his foot down for a few days and the records show this but she would persuade him back into it and he was not strong enough to say no cos he was enjoying it. He would not have been able to convince himself it was 'harmless' texting if it was actually sexting.
So why can't he tell me the content of his texts if he can tell me what they weren't. surely he could at least remember the 17 texts on 'the morning after' but he just says they were probably saying it was a mistake.
Anyway I have just lost my rag with him at lunch and starting a texting frenzy of my own. Threatened to text him 60 times a day until his memory is jogged. Not very mature I know but he is driving me mad. He accused me of trying to find ways to dump him! and that I only looked again at the phone records to have a reason to dump him. we had sex last night ffs I just want some answers cos the thought of what they discussed is eating at me.
Maybe is should just drop it. I know I have to stop texting him and getting so angry but it's really eating at me.
I am not looking at word for word recollection more what I wrote above about the general content of the texts eg things they had in common and sharing histories etc. Surely he can remember that much! He also can't remember anything she said after they kissed or after they had sex. Pretty important convos to me! He did say they didn't discuss what they were doing, they only discussed light hearted topics and she kept him guessing and interested by refusing to discuss what was going on between them. She was very clever. From what I have wheedled out of him after the kiss he apologised said it wasn't what he wanted and she just stayed silent. They text all that night but he 'doesn't think' it was ever mentioned!
why can't he remember? Am I expecting too much?
[This message edited by olwen at 8:11 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
I did take on of their text logs (the one from my birthday last year) and texted him every time they texted each other (150 messages- 10 when he was in the bathroom on our nice date night). It didn't help him remember what was said but it did surprise him that he had been focussing that much time and affection away from work, away from me and away from his family. It was eye opening in that respect.
My MC thinks I need to stop focussing on details like this because she is convinced WH just doesn't remember. She might be right but it is hard to let it go because I would have remembered.
It was as I thought, getting to know u stuff, likes and dislikes, wot their day had been like, work, moaning about chores he had to do.Films, t.v - all the stuff they had in common. All the sort of stuff I would associate with a new relationship but he insists he thought was just friends, until I pointed out that the lovely little extra texts I had never heard about til today like the lovely 'can't talk yet, she is still up' 'can't talk' 'too busy will talk later' etc etc so i pointed out, right so if it was innocent why hide it? His reply cos I knew really how wrong it was, that's why I kept trying to stop it but she kept talking me round.
SO he DID know he was doing wrong (of course) and he just lied to himself. Problem is he keeps lying to himself. It was making a new friend not a new lover....then I explain and he admits it. He keeps trying to tell me the truth as HE told it to himself and I have to pick my way through it to the real truth which he then doesn't want to admit.
What really hurts is after they had sex he says he hated her but had to keep her quiet so she wouldn't tell me. If he really wanted to call it off why keep replying to her texts? It would make more sense to start ignoring them so she would end it. Worse still my records show the texting was increasing again before he brought her to 'meet' me.
His mentality there was so screwed up I don't think a shrink could unravel it!!I only know how this one panned out cos I was involved! e.g
him -oh look at this pic wife just sent me of her nail art (bringing me into conversations at work to try and discourage her)
her - I like that do you think she would do mine? (no idea why she wanted to do this and meet me!!!???)
him - probably I will ask her (hoping I would say no apparently)
me - yeah ok it's practice (curious to meet the new girl he was working with)
him - right I will give her your number (no idea what he was thinking here, he should have discouraged both of us -WTF!)
next thing I know she starts sending me all these pics and texts of stuff she has had done and how she is looking forward to meeting me etc etc
He was so cold to her when she was here and she was so doting to him I realised what was going on. I think he was trying to end it but being conflict avoidant he just didn't have the balls so he brought her to me to either make it a friendship again rather than an affair or so I would find out and end it for him.
No thought to how hurt I would be having held her hand and worked on her nails and had her in my house.
I will never figure it out.
The worst bit is he 'thinks' he remembers what they text the morning after. HE was asking why she picked him up? Why she hadn't stayed on her date? What had they done? Which all sounds to me like, but I thought you wanted me so why was the sex so crap. HE swears that's not the case he wanted to know why she seduced him knowing he was married.
As usual I will never know.
Oh and I got the usual crap of, oh so I guess we are over cos I can't remember are we? Whenever I ask a difficult question or get mad or upset his immediate response is 'is I should leave, I am making you worse, you will never be able to live with what I have done etc etc
I guess I am just going to slowly lose my mind if I keep chasing these answers. They just hurt anyway. None of it makes me feel better so I should prob just drop it now.
[This message edited by olwen at 10:09 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
He doesn't remember much of them but it's been 5 years.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
I had to laugh at the idea of text bombing him the same number of times to jarr his memory...lol.
and I did see stuff on the phone too like hello or good morning or good night or talk later etc...to a strange number but they weren't sexual I believed fro a long time that it was just a work friend--i kept saying that it had to be a girl though since a guy would never text another guy just "good morning". yet he kept saying it was some guy--yeah right. it took me awhile to figure out who it was and then when I did it was all deleted. \i believed their communication stopped until one day I looked at the phone records.
you know it really really bugs me that texts can't be retrieved somehow.
did you ever check google voice/text? In my case there was more there too and you can see some of the texts there...but again, in my case it was all basic day to day stuff on there.
But it does upset me. It shows a clear relationship built rather than just sex. that hurts. It wasn't just sex--he was involved emotionally on many levels.
[This message edited by thecosmogirl at 11:10 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
Herkemyer & princess- wow that's a lot of texts. So sorry you're dealing with this too.
Rose303 - good for you!I decided not to text bomb him. I think he got the shock he needed at the beginning when I accessed our records and wrote every single text and time out for him. He honestly had no idea there were so many so the reams of paper really shocked him.
That really confuses me. The amount of texts out ws's sent their phones must have been going off constantly. H did say it really started to get to him and annoy him. Still not strong enough to say no tho was he! He said he started putting his phone on silent and on a high shelf so he could ignore the flashing light but always caved in quite quickly and replied.
Ionlytalkedtoher -It really is a shame the texts can't be retrieved. But then again maybe we wouldn't be trying if I had seen them?
thecosmogirl -My H also says he had no feelings for her. That is really hard for me to grasp but he explained he only cared about her from his perspective. eg. if she was upset he didn't care UNLESS it stopped her paying him attention. He wasn't bothered when she was out on dates with her myriad admirers (supposedly) and found it odd she would text him when she was out on a date which she did frequently. He wasn't jealous. When she didn't text him, he didn't text her. She started at least 80% of the chats and the early morning texts were usually replying to the last one from the night before - not as I had though good morning and goodnight. He says he would just text going to bed now and not even say good night.
But he just could not not reply! What he wanted was someone he could use basically. He wanted her hanging off his every word, listening to his moaning about me and his life, making him feel better and wanted. In his mind the key thing was he wanted it ONLY at work and that's why he got annoyed. He didn't want his two worlds colliding. She was just in the right place at the right time for him. He didn't even fancy her and when she threw herself at him he was turned off but went through with their ONS as he didn't want her telling me about the EA. HE thought he was in control but it soon became apparent she was. He clearly had NO interest in her for herself. I saw that when she came him. I have never seen him be so rude to someone and she just took it! It made me really ashamed of him - until I knew the full story, at least I think I do and she was the aggressor from the start although he was quite happy to get swept along on the tide of attention and to encourage her.
[This message edited by olwen at 11:36 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
I got to read about how much they loved each other and wanted each other. How she wanted his baby and thought she might be pg. How they each planned to leave their BSs for each other. How he enjoyed the sexual things she did for him. How he was no longer "in luv" with me, but was with her. How "special" what they thought they had was. Lather-Rinse-Repeat....
I still have copies of their lovely texts. Now they make him sick to see what all he shared with her. Now he tells me he IS IN LOVE WITH ME and always has been. That he was never truly in love with her. That the stuff he did with her and told her about our lives makes him want to puke. In fact he has, literally.
3boys
I'm right there with you on the "I don't know" or "I don't remember"! They will be the death of our marriage, if I could ban those 2 phrases from the english language then I would. Every time I hear them I just want to hit him so damn hard!
Olwen, i thought only my husband could be that dumb to have the OW and wife interact. when I first became suspicious my husband brought me in our business to start working with the OW! In his screwed up head I guess he figured that if we became friends I wouldn't be suspicious. Once the OW came clean, I asked her why she thought he pushed so hard to make us work together knowing that they had secrets. She thought he was trying to make her uncomfortable so she would quit.
So pleased your H is repulsed by his actions, that sounds weird but you know what I mean. It shows he really truly gets it in my opinion.
My H is bending over backwards with R in general. we just have his 'memory problem' and his tendency to want to run when I get upset or angry.
I don't think it makes him a bad person though, he just cant handle seeing the result of his actions and only wants to tell me the necessary so neither of us have to face more upset.
scubachick - I really believe they bring us into the A when they want out. My h actually said he knew if she met me she would call of the A cos she would like me. It worked, first thing next working day she ended it saying'she seems real to me now and we have to stop this' he was sooooo relieved but by that point I was suspicious so he had to deal with my finding out, so the relief didn't last long and then he kept the truth from me for two months and I literally saw the guilt eating him. He lost two stone before my eyes.
I believe he wanted it over even though he never intended telling me what he had done but he couldn't live with the guilt.
H never wanted her physically, all he wanted was her doting attention. I really believe that for many reasons. The morning after they had sex he told me he was never going out again and he had the worst nite of his life. They never touched again and that doesn't sound like someone who wanted her in that way to me.
I have got the rough outline of the sort of texts they sent now, there were surprisingly frequent rows which tally with my records. They would have a mammoth text evening then nothing for a few days. I choose to believe H that those were when they rowed cos he wanted her to stop texting. HE has admitted he wanted it to continue at work though so I am more inclined to believe him.
Thanks all for the replies, such a supportive group here
