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5 years out- need advice

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survivinglies posted 10/7/2013 08:09 AM

Things have felt "off" the past few weeks and I decided to check FWH's phone, which I have not done in a long time. We are completely open with our phones and passwords, but for some reason I did not tell him I was checking and looked through them a couple days ago. There wasn't anything of interest. I checked again yesterday and all of the text messages has been deleted! He said it was getting too full. Now, he does do this on occasion, but one of our boundaries was to show me the texts before wiping them. I asked him about it. I guess it's been awhile and he said he just didn't think about it? What should I do?

HardenMyHeart posted 10/7/2013 09:47 AM

What should I do?

Nothing. Take him at his word and forget about it. Try to force yourself to be trusting again. I think you'll be happier.

OnAnIsland posted 10/7/2013 10:26 AM

Ok, take him at his word if you don't have other reasons for suspicion or spidey sense or gut or whatever,... But if things feel off, why? what is your gut saying? maybe a little extra watchful or ask him?

also if the text wipe does bother you, tell him what you think and what you want him to do.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 10:27 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 10/7/2013 10:29 AM

Nothing. Take him at his word and forget about it. Try to force yourself to be trusting again. I think you'll be happier.

seriously? "force" yourself to trust? How does that work?

HardenMyHeart posted 10/7/2013 10:52 AM

seriously? "force" yourself to trust? How does that work?

Like the Nike commercial...Just do it!.

If your spouse is going to cheat again there is nothing you can do to prevent it. You can't control the actions of another. I became much happier when I stopped fearing the future and stopped allowing the affair to define me or my choices.

I also realized, with true emotional intimacy comes peace of mind. Trust is the foundation of emotional intimacy and what all great relationships are based on.

sisoon posted 10/7/2013 11:12 AM

Things feeling 'off' is what would concern me.

I think that's something that would benefit from a full airing/discussion. Is that something you will do, or are you having extra difficulty talking now?

heartache101 posted 10/7/2013 11:24 AM

I think after 5 years some Fws tend to forget the line for boundaries. Mine just recently has pulled one too. A gentle reminder is needed. That is what I did. But Iwill admit it really upset me that he didnt take my feelings into consideration.
So I have my eyes watching it all.

tushnurse posted 10/7/2013 11:36 AM

surviving, what is feeling "off" can you put a specific reason cause, or event that has made you feel that way?

I do think that you need to tell him that was a boundary/guideline to R, and for whatever his reason for deletinng without telling you, it may be a good time to remind him that you let him get away with it once, but never ever ever again. A little reminder of what a gift R is never hurts either.

But I think you need to figure out why things are Off, and the level of Off they are. If it's just an old trigger, then talk about it, if it's real concerns, behaviors, that you saw before, then it may be time to get smart with snooping.

hopefullromantic posted 10/7/2013 16:12 PM

I would say the "off" feeling is the most significant as well, while the deleted messages could just be a coincidence. Or not. I would say nothing but go into stealth mode for awhile.

Jrazz posted 10/7/2013 16:19 PM

Ditto what heartache101 said.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/7/2013 21:13 PM

I think after 5 years some Fws tend to forget the line for boundaries. Mine just recently has pulled one too. A gentle reminder is needed.

I get what you are saying, but at what point do you start trusting again; at 10 years, 15 years?

I was very hyper-vigilant during the beginning of R, but I reached a point a couple years out where it just didn't matter anymore. I wanted to trust my wife to do the right things and stop worrying about another affair. I no longer wanted to play the role of detective or big brother. I became so much happier when I stopped trying to control the future, and just be happy with the present.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:16 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

womaninflux posted 10/7/2013 21:21 PM

Tell him you are feeling like something is off. Talk about it. If he gets weird or defensive, then you probably have your answer.

crestfallen posted 10/8/2013 07:46 AM

Hi,

We are almost 5 years out, as well. For the most part, my husband does remember the things we have agreed on to make me feel safe. Having said that, he does have slip ups!

I do gently let him know when that happens. He is just comfortable in his routine, he seems to feel comfortable in his own skin again because he isn't doing anything wrong.

Sometimes I feel that way, too, but if I take a day or two to think about it, the gut feeling usually fades. And I have a really good intuition.

Josephine01 posted 10/8/2013 12:44 PM

HardenMyHeart,

I know what you are saying and I can't wait to get to place where you are now.

survivinglies posted 10/8/2013 18:26 PM

Thank you everyone. I did tell him that deleting the texts was definitely a boundary issue and how badly it triggered me. He apologized. I also told him things felt off, and he tried to remind me of how far he has come and the things he is doing right. I did not tell him I was searching his phone and I think I will just be a little more vigilant for a while. I hate this feeling!

DrivingPast posted 10/17/2013 11:39 AM

A couple days ago the texts were there? And you read them and saw nothing?

Are you able to check the phone bill? That will show you if there were any strange number texts in the past few days. You could even check the past month or two. It may give you some relief. That should really give you a clear picture.

I do agree with others, the gut feeling is important. Hope it turns out to be nothing ((((sl))))

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