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Lack of commitment or expecting too much?

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FeelingMN posted 10/7/2013 08:32 AM

We've hit a stumbling block on the R road lately and I sent FWW an email asking her to reread How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair so we can talk about it. I thought it was going to be an eye opener for her. (Wrong I was).

Saturday morning was spent on Pinterest laughing at funny pictures, or games on her phone. We were busy during the afternoon but Saturday night it was Pinterest again so I asked if she had read anything yet and she said, "No, I'll do that now." We got into a discussion about why she hadn't at that point and two different reasons were "I was going to when I had time." and "I was going to when I was ready." She said it wasn't like she was going to wait two weeks or anything. I called BS on both and the argument ensued.

I really think it showed lack of commitment and lack of understanding of our issues to tell me she was going to do it when she had some time. I didn't think I was expecting too much that if I told her exactly what I wanted her to do that she take the first possible opportunity to do it.

simplydevastated posted 10/7/2013 08:38 AM

You can ask your WW to read every book/article you can find. You can try to have conversations with her about it. The problem is, if she doesn't want to do any of it, she won't.

It takes two to work at R'ing, and from the sound of it she doesn't sound all that remorseful. She should be willing to do whatever it takes and going on pinterest and playing games can wait, fixing the marriage comes first.

I'm sorry she doesn't seem to understand that.

Sending you strength.

FeelingMN posted 10/7/2013 12:43 PM

We're starting up MC again on Friday and she's started IC again last week. It'll be interesting to me what comes of it. I'm going to let some dust settle then ask her to write down what Reconciliation means to her and how to get through it. I've already asked her to do something else so that is very important to me so I'm going to wait until she does that to give her a new assignment. Hoping I don't have to wait too long or ask how it's going. Probably will though.

little turtle posted 10/7/2013 12:50 PM

ask her to write down what Reconciliation means to her and how to get through it.

Have you done this for yourself? What does Reconciliation mean to you? What does it look like? How will you work through it together?

So far, from what I've read on this thread, it doesn't sound like your W is putting much work into your relationship. I don't know how long this book is. Would it be possible to read that book together? Or to read a chapter separate and then discuss it on such date/time?

FeelingMN posted 10/7/2013 13:47 PM

The book is a quick read, 45-90 mins depending on how fast you read. She did finally read it Saturday night but she had to be up early yesterday so we held off on the discussion until later in the afternoon when we had time.

I'm writing my own version of what reconciliation is, just started it today but its more of a expectation document and I'm not sure if that's what I want it to be. Can my view of reconciliation be the things I expect of her? So far there isn't much else in it. I was planning on eventually posting it to get some feedback.

atsenaotie posted 10/7/2013 14:13 PM

Can my view of reconciliation be the things I expect of her? So far there isn't much else in it.

Hi FeelingMN,

To me, it reads as though you have the cart before the horse, that you are writing action statements without having goals in place.

I suggest that you start with what a reconciled M looks like to you. Independent of your W for now, what would your ideal M be like? When you have some goals, you can begin to identify actions and changes that can help you get from where you are now to the M you would like to have.

When you share this with your W, share your goals for the M, and identify some of the things you will be doing to help achieve these goals. Ask if your goals for the M align with hers.

Note I have nothing about instructions for her on what she needs to do to get to your idea of a R'd M. What she does and how she does it is on her. All you can do is set out your expectations, negotiate the areas that do not align with hers, and then decide if you are getting what you need, or enough to stay in the M.

So you may want a M partner who is honest and transparent, and this may include talking with you and answering questions about her A. If this is not a goal of hers, then you need to decide if you can stay M'd without this. If it is a goal of hers, she may need help to get to the point of being able to talk about her A. She may need to read books, attend IC, post on SI. If she wants to achieve a goal, she needs to figure out how.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:13 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

FeelingMN posted 10/7/2013 14:38 PM

Thanks atsenaotie. The cart before the horse may be right but I think what it is that I've been writing down sounds more like a list of expectations to begin R rather than what R is. Honesty, transparency, NC, I should have said from the very beginning that we aren't even trying R unless that was there. The only one I can assume with any degree of confidence is NC but I know for a fact she hasn't been completely honest and doesn't take enough steps towards transparency. I really think we haven't even begun R at this point because the expectations I have for it I haven't been met.

To me R is trusting that if either of us has an issue, big or small, that we address it. Communication has been my mantra for 3 years. It's the only thing that I've asked for (I've said it countless times) and it's the most difficult thing for her to give.

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