Saturday morning was spent on Pinterest laughing at funny pictures, or games on her phone. We were busy during the afternoon but Saturday night it was Pinterest again so I asked if she had read anything yet and she said, "No, I'll do that now." We got into a discussion about why she hadn't at that point and two different reasons were "I was going to when I had time." and "I was going to when I was ready." She said it wasn't like she was going to wait two weeks or anything. I called BS on both and the argument ensued.
I really think it showed lack of commitment and lack of understanding of our issues to tell me she was going to do it when she had some time. I didn't think I was expecting too much that if I told her exactly what I wanted her to do that she take the first possible opportunity to do it.
It takes two to work at R'ing, and from the sound of it she doesn't sound all that remorseful. She should be willing to do whatever it takes and going on pinterest and playing games can wait, fixing the marriage comes first.
I'm sorry she doesn't seem to understand that.
Sending you strength.
ask her to write down what Reconciliation means to her and how to get through it.
Have you done this for yourself? What does Reconciliation mean to you? What does it look like? How will you work through it together?
So far, from what I've read on this thread, it doesn't sound like your W is putting much work into your relationship. I don't know how long this book is. Would it be possible to read that book together? Or to read a chapter separate and then discuss it on such date/time?
I'm writing my own version of what reconciliation is, just started it today but its more of a expectation document and I'm not sure if that's what I want it to be. Can my view of reconciliation be the things I expect of her? So far there isn't much else in it. I was planning on eventually posting it to get some feedback.
Can my view of reconciliation be the things I expect of her? So far there isn't much else in it.
To me, it reads as though you have the cart before the horse, that you are writing action statements without having goals in place.
I suggest that you start with what a reconciled M looks like to you. Independent of your W for now, what would your ideal M be like? When you have some goals, you can begin to identify actions and changes that can help you get from where you are now to the M you would like to have.
When you share this with your W, share your goals for the M, and identify some of the things you will be doing to help achieve these goals. Ask if your goals for the M align with hers.
Note I have nothing about instructions for her on what she needs to do to get to your idea of a R'd M. What she does and how she does it is on her. All you can do is set out your expectations, negotiate the areas that do not align with hers, and then decide if you are getting what you need, or enough to stay in the M.
So you may want a M partner who is honest and transparent, and this may include talking with you and answering questions about her A. If this is not a goal of hers, then you need to decide if you can stay M'd without this. If it is a goal of hers, she may need help to get to the point of being able to talk about her A. She may need to read books, attend IC, post on SI. If she wants to achieve a goal, she needs to figure out how.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:13 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
To me R is trusting that if either of us has an issue, big or small, that we address it. Communication has been my mantra for 3 years. It's the only thing that I've asked for (I've said it countless times) and it's the most difficult thing for her to give.