Can my view of reconciliation be the things I expect of her? So far there isn't much else in it.
Hi FeelingMN,
To me, it reads as though you have the cart before the horse, that you are writing action statements without having goals in place.
I suggest that you start with what a reconciled M looks like to you. Independent of your W for now, what would your ideal M be like? When you have some goals, you can begin to identify actions and changes that can help you get from where you are now to the M you would like to have.
When you share this with your W, share your goals for the M, and identify some of the things you will be doing to help achieve these goals. Ask if your goals for the M align with hers.
Note I have nothing about instructions for her on what she needs to do to get to your idea of a R'd M. What she does and how she does it is on her. All you can do is set out your expectations, negotiate the areas that do not align with hers, and then decide if you are getting what you need, or enough to stay in the M.
So you may want a M partner who is honest and transparent, and this may include talking with you and answering questions about her A. If this is not a goal of hers, then you need to decide if you can stay M'd without this. If it is a goal of hers, she may need help to get to the point of being able to talk about her A. She may need to read books, attend IC, post on SI. If she wants to achieve a goal, she needs to figure out how.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:13 PM, October 7th (Monday)]