WH keeps saying that "I am here now. Let's try to move forward with our lives"
I would love to, but there is still so much I need to know, or want to know. Not just what happened, but how he let them happen and and how he FELT about me, about her, about himself while it was happening.
He takes me in his arms and tells me how much he loves me, and I wonder how he was able to stop loving me for so long. Is this a re-awakening of his love Or has he just decided to love me because she is now gone from his life?
He chose her for so long. He has turned his attention to me now, which is wonderful, so why do I keep asking myself how he was able to be so withdrawn and cold to me before?
Why can't I just accept that yes, he is here now and we love each other, and put "them" out of my mind?
She is gone. He says he never thinks about her unless I bring up the A. He says he feels sick thinking about it. So do I but I can't stop.
I try not to spoil the times we have together. I try not to bring up the A all the time. This has been going on for too long now.
I have told him how much I missed his kisses. The spontaneous ones that come from nowhere. He used to kiss me hello and goodbye every day, but just short pecks without passion. He saved the passionate kisses for her.
Yesterday he kissed me spontaneously, a lovely soft and wonderful kiss. And what did I do? I started to cry. I mourned for the lost years.
I am so angry with myself for wasting opportunities to be happy.
But I also cannot quite believe how someone can just transfer their feeling from one person to another instantly at dday.
He can't explain it either, but as he says, "he is here now".
I do think there is something about living in the now that needs to be addressed. We cannot change the past, and we only get so much time in this life. At some point, we have to accept. . . Truly accept....and move on. Your H's affair went on so long, I can imagine that makes it much more difficult. So much of it was going on in parallel with your life. It is going to take some healing to get through that.
Just know you are not alone, and maybe think about reading something like The Power of Now to get through this.
A good friend has been referring that book to me for awhile now. Even before the A was discovered.
I worry that a part of me doesn't want to let it go because there are so many unfinished discussions and so many loose ends to tie up.
But perhaps that is the way I normally function, to talk things out until there is nothing left to talk about. And to think and think and think until it all becomes clear.
Maybe I will never get to that point so the alternative is to somehow let it go. I don't feel I am ready yet though.
Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec
Just curious. Did your discussions about the why and the how help you to come to this way of thinking?
My H says he is still working on these things, but doesn't give me any insight as to what "still working" means.
[This message edited by FightingBack at 10:09 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
I wish you the best.
Not that believing him has made my own road any easier lately. Hang in there. We BSs need to be patient with ourselves.
Hi I am new to the forum. I noticed from your profile that you found out 8.5 years after the A. I also found out 8 years after.
I too am having a difficult time "letting go". The obsessive thought are ruining my happiness now. I was always a veery positive and happy person and the discovery of my H's affair has changed me so drastically.
I try to tell myself that it happened so long ago but it never helps to ease the pain. We are just over one year into the reconciliation and there are days when I feel optimistic about my future with him and there are days where I just want to be alone for the rest of my life.
I think/hope as time goes by it will get easier. But I am starting to worry that maybe I am one of those people who will never "get over it"
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
Or has he just decided to love me because she is now gone from his life?
I too wonder about this. I can't let it go either, but I tend to be obsessive in my thoughts and am on meds for anyways.
I just think WH can turn his feelings off for me at any time now. I finally realized that I was more invested than he ever was. Ah oh well.
I had hoped, that by now, my H would have understood that I need him to WANT to talk to me about anything I NEED to talk about.
I had hoped that he wanted that intimacy also. To have nothing left to stand between us. To tell me everything, not just answer questions, because he also needs to open himself up to me.
I had hoped that he would also feel the need to understand how he could turn his love off and on.
I am afraid that he will turn it off again. I am afraid that he doesn't want to really examine his feelings because there is more there than he wants to admit.
I think that if I get the whole story, my obsessions will stop. I find that when I have learned a bit more of his story, I do think about it, chew on it, process it and then I can file it.
It's all the stuff I don't know. The stuff I wonder about, the stuff I imagine that continues to invade my life.
Why would he not want to put me out of this misery if he loves me so much?
I am afraid that my unhappiness will drive him to that state of un-love again. I can't be much fun to be around, so I can get that.
I just want to feel like me again, so I can love wholly, and feel love.
I ask myself if you can truly love someone you cast from your mind so easily and hurt so profoundly - I struggle with that....
And then this:
so what does that make me? The solid fallback, the idiot who blindly loved him?
I could never have lied to him like that or watched him hurt and wondering what the hell had happened in our M
Even my fWH's relationship with the OW - he thought he loved her, TOLD her he loved her, but then when she dumped him, he kind of "shook her off" and moved on, said he was "sad for a day or two and then got over it".
The thing is, all of this makes me doubt the quality of love he is capable of. I don't believe he is capable of deep, intimate love. So that makes me very nervous going forward.
Right now, in fact for the last 4 or 5 months, he has been wonderful. Will do whatever I ask, talks about the A, goes to counselling, showers me with affection... I really couldn't ask for more. BUT it somehow doesn't reach me to my core, it's like I am waiting for the bubble to burst. Knowing that he can turn love on and off, seemingly at will.... it makes me very insecure... and that makes me unable to let the A go. Self-preservation I think.
I get what you are saying from your profile and your post here. How could he have done this with the OW, and now loves me? Impossible. I ask my WW everyday sometimes, Do you really love me? How could she, how can she! My WW A was only 6 months. I asked every question I could and knew the answer I wanted her to say, but she never said it. How could they, why did they, did you ever consider me when you were in the A? My WW doesn't have the answers. I know the answers, no she didn't think of me, only herself! Why did she, because she was getting attention, ego stroked, validated, special treatment because he was the boss. All selfish reasons.
Now, we are trying to R. I realized our marriage was not what it should have or could have been. I take zero responsibility for the affair. However, I am now a much better husband. My WW just started to show the true remorse I needed to see. She still hates to talk about the A, but, she knows I need too. We are starting to draw closer and closer within the last few days. I can now feel the remorse, feel the sincerity, feel the love she has for me. I mean actually feel it. Not sure if anybody else has experienced that or not. My WW even says she feels it. Never felt it before with anybody but my daughter from a previous marriage, and I just remembered the feeling when I felt it with my wife. Do you feel the remorse is genuine, the love is real, is he sincere? It is helping me let go of some of my bad thoughts. Mainly because they will stand in the way of full R.
Now, I have all my answers too, maybe you don't. If you don't, R can't occur without it. Good luck dear and hugs and thoughts being sent your way!
[This message edited by Smokehouse at 3:38 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
I have asked him numerous times to talk to me..Tell me what was going on in his mind to be able to lie to me for 3yrs and sleep with OW in our home. I just get the we weren't having sex as often as he wanted, so he found it elsewhere. He just said it went on so long because he couldn't get out of it without her telling me. He thought I would D him if I found out, so he just kept seeing her to shut her up (he didn't shut her up, she told me...on 2 different DDay's). I am supposed to just forget about it when this is all I know???
I wished I had the answers for you, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but I am beginning to think I don't have a choice in that either.
I think what it boils down to is how much we are willing to put up with until the time comes when we either feel that our patience has paid off, or know that we have had enough.