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musiclovingmom posted 10/7/2013 09:13 AM

Increasingly over the last few days, what is left of my anger at the OW seems to be disappating. (I let go of the anger at my H a while back). This is not like before where it would fade and then come back. I actually feel myself making a conscious choice to let it go. I even find myself hoping we will see OW1 and OW2 just to get it over with. It's gonna happen eventually because our town isn't big enough to hide in forever. I told my H I'm tired of looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of tip-toeing around my town. I'm tired of not eating places I enjoy. This is my home. It has been since I was a young child. It will be for at least 13 more years (unless my exH does something stupid enough to cost him joint custody of our daughter). I refuse to let them have any more of it.

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 09:40 AM

Hi musiclovingmom,

I feel the same way...plus I had a chance to test this new feeling last night...see my recent post for details.

It feels refreshing to get the anger out of the way so that I can feel the pain and saddness longer....refreshing because this is a necessary step to processing the "whole" that is my wifes affair. This is what my IC sessions almost always revolved around....remaining in the pain and hurt as long as I can so as to process it. Anger serves to mask pain and saddness...nice to have it lifting.

I'm tired of tip-toeing around my town.

Replace "town" with "my life" and I totally get this too.

Fear serves its purpose when a tiger is around....makes you tip toe so as not to wake it or draw attention to yourself. Problem is...seldom are tigers around. My fear of abandonment issues lied to me...they constantly make me feel as if tigers are around. Sad for that being a part of me...refreshed that I can choose to grow past that, like you and I are growing past our anger.

Fear is payment on a debt you have not yet incurred, and may never incur.

Glad to see you too are getting out of "debt"!

Peace to us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:07 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

musiclovingmom posted 10/7/2013 10:39 AM

Blake, refreshing to know that once again we are at similar places. I enjoyed reading your story very much. I have been so afraid of what my reaction would be - and of what theirs would be - should we run into each other. Early on, I even had a recurring dream where OW was a tiger and I was a grasshopper. I think, it's been key for me to really internalize that the only person I have control over is me and that my actions/reactions speak of the kind of person I am. Letting to of the desire for retaliation and replacing it with the knowledge that God grants true justice. All this has made it much easier for me to let go of what other people must be thinking and how I should act in order to gain their favor. A lesson I wish I'd learned years ago. Better late than never I guess.

Bikingguy posted 10/7/2013 11:06 AM

that's great for you. Wishing I was there, but am not.

I am tired of walking around a mall that is about 1/2 between both us and OM/OMBW, with my fist clenched. I also scan even person around as I don't want to be caught off guard. I feel like the terminator where I am scanning each person and noting, "nope not OM".

I am do a sunday ride that takes me 1/2 block for OM's house. I could skip the ride but it's a great race training ride and I have done it for years.

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 11:50 AM

Hang tough biking guy....I was where you are at now. That bike riding, fist clenching.....that's all part of it.

I wish there was a fast forward button on this.....'course I would prefer a rewind button over that!

Peace be with you.

LA44 posted 10/7/2013 11:56 AM

Glad to read this MLM!

Remember what Glenda the good witch says to Dorothy before she clicks her heels and goes home,

"You have always had the power".

I had the AP experience 3 weeks ago and in the words of Frank Sinatra, "I ate it up and spit it out."

It's your life. Take it. Live it!

betraydtwice posted 10/7/2013 11:57 AM

I know how you feel music. OW works at airport. Next week I am going away for 10 days. I have a choice between 2 airports but I choose hers. I want her to see that she didn't destroy me or my marriage. I want her to know that she means nothing to me.. My life goes on: I am great and so is my life..(hope I can pull it off)

musiclovingmom posted 10/7/2013 14:44 PM

OW1 works at one of the best places in town to get ice cream. I miss their ice cream. OW2 and my H had lunch at a pizza place that is hosting a fundraiser for my daughter's school. I've thought about it all, and I'm not giving any of that up anymore. It takes too much energy.

Bikingguy- I was there. Just a couple of weeks ago I had a full-on meltdown at the mall. It may happen again. But, I'm not going to wk around in fear anymore. I'm done excluding places from my life because of the 'what-ifs'. 6 months ago, I was absolutely NOT to this point. You've got nothing but time, and time really is your friend.

LA - I see your strength in your posts. And, yeah. Taking back control of the only life I can control has been part of this process for me. Letting go of the desire to control everyone else's has been even harder.

betraydtwice - I'd like to come at both of them head on. OW1, I can since she works at a restaurant. OW2 is a service tech at a car dealership. I have absolutely no viable reason to go to her place of business so I just have to wait until we cross paths. Unfortunately, it isn't likely to happen until a local celebration in May.

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