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Afraid I might mess up R

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mellie99 posted 10/7/2013 09:31 AM

My WH and I have been physically separated since 8/24, and I'm due to give birth around 11/8. While things haven't been the greatest, we have both started IC and are interested in R. However, early on in the separation my H essentially cut me off financially, having all his direct deposits put into an account only he can access and has put nothing into our joint account. (Because we moved to a new state a few months ago, I've been a SAHW so not working). I have survived off of money I had put away before all this happened, but in the meantime spoke with a military lawyer to find out my options. He informed me that my H is still responsible for providing for me financially as long as we are still married, and how much I am entitled to .

After much thought I wrote my H a formal letter letting him know what I was told and am requesting to have funds deposited into an account only I can access for the baby and me. I wanted something in writing so there could be no argument later on about what was discussed and so I would have something on hand if for some reason my H refused to cooperate and I have to contact his commander to have it enforced. Over the past few weeks my H has asked me many times to let him know if I need anything, though he has not outright volunteered to do anything on his own. I have told him many times I would let him know if I did, so while this letter will not be completely out of the blue I'm a little apprehensive about what his reaction will be to it. I have a tendency to over-think things and I know at the end of the day I have to do what's best for me and our son, and everything I'm about to ask for is something my H should be providing and more. I guess I'm really nervous about what damage if any I may be causing by sending this letter...guess I'll find out by days end.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 9:33 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

FightingBack posted 10/7/2013 09:52 AM


I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position.

In your post, you say that you are both interested in reconciling.
In my very humble opinion, being "interested" is not the same as being committed to it.

You have a husband who has not put you first, time and again. mHe has put himself and his selfish needs first. Not only that, he has put you and your baby in danger. Thankfully, it appears that you dodged a bullet as far as STDs are concerned.

Now, are you going to be the parent who will protect your baby? To ensure that he is safe, secure and provided for? Of course you are.

If insisting that you are financially supported means that you are jeopardizing any hopes for a reconciliation with your H, then perhaps you should rethink the R.

Do you want R with someone with whom you are hesitant to ask for whatever you need and are entitled to?

Don't ask this for yourself then. Demand it for your son.

Hugs to you.

mellie99 posted 10/7/2013 10:06 AM


Thanks for your quick response. You are correct when you state that an interest in R is not the same as a commitment; because we are so early in the process I will admit I am unsure if full R is possible for us. I want things to work out between us but also want to take the time to heal before I throw myself in 100%, especially with the baby on the way. Don't know if this is a bad way to view things, but I'm trying to be cautious and not take things too quickly.

I really want to give my H the benefit of the doubt and say that he will be 100% agreeable to everything (all I asked for was about 1/3 of the monthly income and for him to set up medical insurance for our son once he's born and dental for both of us which I have been requesting for years). However, all other previous actions I have taken since I've been gone he has perceived as an effort on my part to permanently sever things between us as opposed to me doing what is necessary to survive at the moment. He has admitted that this is just his insecurity getting the best of him and that he has every intention of taking care of his SON (don't think he's necessarily said me) but that he wants us to be a family. However, as we all know actions speak louder than words.

So I guess you're right; if asking for less than I'm entitled to in order to care for his child is something that will upset him, then maybe this will be the sign I need make my decision to move on. At the end of the day this is for the baby, and for once I need to stop worrying about my H's feelings and focus on the well-being of this little guy that's on his way. Thank you for the reality check; I needed it.

OnAnIsland posted 10/7/2013 10:21 AM

Mellie, take care of yourself and your son. WH is still not doing that. I am upset for you that he would redirect his direct deposit and abandon you and his family. Pursue what you deserve and document. If your request damages your relationship with WH, what does that tell you about him?

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 10:22 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

FightingBack posted 10/7/2013 10:32 AM

Keep in touch with us Mellie and let us know how this pans out.

sisoon posted 10/7/2013 20:39 PM

Please don't ask for less than you're entitled to.

mellie99 posted 10/7/2013 21:31 PM

Thanks for the advice all; for now there's not much to report. I sent the letter to both his personal and work email accounts but have not received an official response. I got a text from him this evening out of the blue saying "You're always welcome to come home"; not quite sure what to make of it. Guess it's better than a negative response, but it's not acknowledging my requests, either...

ETA: It bothers me a bit when he says I can come home when I'm ready as if he's trying to tell me he 'forgives me' for leaving or something when his behavior is the reason why I left in the first place...IDK.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 9:33 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

FightingBack posted 10/8/2013 01:20 AM

No, no, no.

He shouldn't be telling you you are "welcome" to come home.

A remorseful spouse should be begging you to come home, and offering to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe to do so.

You should go home mellie. And he should leave until you are sure that you want HIM back.

maxandsen posted 10/8/2013 02:44 AM

Your WH stated that if there was anything you needed let him know.

Well right now you need financial support. Support that you are entitled to. Your WHs pay is substantially more due to the fact he is married. That money is for both of you.

Why should he receive a pay raise for having a dependent if he is not supporting that dependent?

You are not doing anything wrong or sabotaging R by stating your needs. Basic needs at that.

If he is unwilling to help support you and in the future your child, call his commanding officer and they will help you.

My XH (not current FWH) was in the military and also stopped support. I contacted his CO and the next day I had monies direct deposited in my account and every month there after.
The CO really let XH have it. Had him in tears and apologizing for being selfish and not being a man by supporting his family. XH thought monies were better spent on stereo equipment and partying


Herkemeyer posted 10/8/2013 05:48 AM

If your WH is collecting BAH and not providing for his family he could be committing fraud. That maybe a motivator you can use to alleviate his cranial rectal inversion.

mellie99 posted 10/8/2013 13:04 PM

So, good news...he finally responded and has made arrangements to meet all my requests, plus has placed extra money in our joint account to cover money that wasn't there before. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, but in his mind he sees this as me paving the way to split from him permanently, as he says he now feels like he's paying alimony and child support. He doesn't seem to get the fact that if you didn't reroute the money in the first place this wouldn't be an issue.

FightingBack: You're right; I wish I was in a spot where I could have kicked him out, but me leaving honestly worked out for the best. I've been with my family for the past few months and this is the "me" time I've been needing for years; it's been good for my spirit to be reminded how people who truly love you act, something I've forgotten over the years. He genuinely seems to want to be there for our son, but he still doesn't seem to get that his previous actions are not acceptable for a spouse; everything I do to protect myself he takes as me trying to leave, as if my actions are a way of punishing him. It's a very egocentric attitude; I don't know why he doesn't seem to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and his feelings...heaven forbid someone do something that might make him a bit uncomfortable.

So we'll see what happens. I should be receiving funds in a few days, but in the meantime he needs a major reality check. He still sees me as being the reason why we can't R because I refuse to come home, but he doesn't seem to realize I refuse to come home because he doesn't see a problem with the way our relationship was. The things he did were NOT okay, and until he gets that I refuse to bring my child and myself home. If he misses out on the birth and the next holidays here it'll be his doing; all he can think about right now is how uncomfortable it will make him to have to be around my family who he thinks will be judging him (and they have every right to do so). What he fails to realize is that at the end of the day any action he takes at this point is exactly that: HIS action. I'm not stopping him from coming, and I refuse to feel guilty when I've seen time and time again how willing he is to drive 12+ hours a day and spend hundreds of dollars when it comes to spending time with his friends. If family is as important as he says then it's high time he starts proving it, and being that I am his family now he needs to start acting like it. Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 2:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

FightingBack posted 10/8/2013 15:04 PM

mellie, you sound very wise yourself.

Get all the support and comfort you need from your loved ones around you. Let them shelter you. You deserve it.

mellie99 posted 10/9/2013 10:31 AM

And so I'm back to square one...*sigh*. I'm so tired of having to fight about this stuff. My WH called me yesterday to inform me that he will not pay anymore than what he is required by law/military, and because the AF does not specify what level of support is mandatory is cases like this he essentially accused me of lying about the amount I was quoted. I was absolutely furious; all this time he kept telling me "let me know if you need anything" and the minute I do he goes out of his way to make sure under no circumstances should I receive more than HE deems to be appropriate. I refuse to beg him for anything. He keeps saying I'm the one sabotaging our R by asking for stuff like this, but what kind of husband/father who genuinely 'cares' for his family does stuff like this? Even the money he put in out shared account was done in a shady manner: he withdrew all our funds, deposited $1250, then withdrew the extra $250 to ensure I wouldn't have access to more than the $1000 he said he would put in. Who does stuff like that? Who would WANT to R with someone like that? Of course we ended up initially getting in an argument when he called me a liar and tried to accuse me of taking advantage of the situation. Eventually we were able to have a civil conversation and talked for an extended period of time but I'm so tired of this...I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being treated like a child instead of a wife, I'm just DONE. I really want to try and fix things but I don't know how much more of this I can take. The latest word now on the finances is he will not deposit any money into my private account for me and the baby until he speaks with legal counsel and THEY give him an amount. He says it's so he's not breaking any laws, I say it's because he's stingy and once again refuses to do anything he feels may be a detriment or cause him discomfort. I don't even know what to think anymore.

ETA: Can you genuinely be disappointed when someone lives up to the negative expectation you have of them?

[This message edited by mellie99 at 10:35 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

I think I can posted 10/9/2013 10:37 AM

What R?

Time to lawyer up and go to the mattresses.

YOU didn't cause any damage by your letter. This was coming down the pike. You have to do the right thing for you and your child. He sure ain't looking out for the two of you.


[This message edited by I think I can at 10:38 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

mellie99 posted 10/9/2013 19:37 PM

Well, there is officially no turning back now...

At the suggestion of my parents (both prior AF so they are aware of the rules and regulations) I sent a letter to my H's commander. I told him EVERYTHING: the affairs, him spending the night in a hotel with another woman before I left, having to ask him for years for dental insurance, how he depleted our funds (as well as my actions) name it I said it. His commander responded within a few hours and first of all apologized for me having to deal with all this, stating he was aware we were separated but not why or what had transpired recently. He confirmed I had access to both medical and dental insurance (which I do now as of yesterday) but expressed his disappointment and disbelief in my H's behavior not only as an officer, but also as a spouse and expectant father.

I was and am completely embarrassed it has come to this, though his commander reassured me that I had no reason to be and that my husband needed someone to talk to him like a man and let him know his behavior would no longer be tolerated. He will speak to legal on my behalf to see what I am entitled to financially as the AF has no written laws on this and will then speak to my H to get his side of the story and hopefully deal with, as he put, my H's "obvious pride issues". It's a shame that everyone around him can see what an idiot he is being and yet my H seems to think that's he's doing everything in his power to try and have a R with me.

I know my husband is going to be furious with me...I expect no less of him. This may be the final nail in the coffin of our R, and I have come to accept that. I'm sad things had to get to this point, and disappointed that at the end of the day his feelings were more important than those of his wife and future child. He seems to think that all our problems since I left revolve around money, but it's only because it's the only bit of control he has over me because I have removed power from him in all other aspects of our relationship as long as I'm away and not groveling. Guess it might be time to move on to a new board...

[This message edited by mellie99 at 7:40 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

StillStanding1 posted 10/10/2013 00:48 AM

Wow, mellie, this is awful. You really seem to have maintained a clear head throughout this. I cannot believe how awful your WH is being. As a man about to be a father, his behaviour toward you is beyond comprehension. I am glad you are strong enough to battle on the way you are. It is time for him to "man up" and handle his paternal responsibilities. I would not expect him to come around suddenly and become a decent H, but he should at least be taking care of you both financially.

Stay strong. You sound like one incredible woman. You are going to be better off without him. How you are coping with looming motherhood and all this stress is beyond my comprehension. But you are woman and I am hearing you ROAR. Good for you. Glad your family is supporting you. Let them prop you up. This is going to be turbulent for a while, but you are going to make it and come out better on the other end!!!!


summerain posted 10/10/2013 01:17 AM

Mellie, I hope I don't sound insensitive

but I am in awe of what you've done

mellie99 posted 10/10/2013 08:36 AM

Thanks again you guys...

I would have to say the majority of the 'strength' you guys see being exhibited comes from having a family that isn't afraid to tell me the truth. Every time I get to feeling weak or helpless they help me to challenge those thoughts and push me forward into doing what needs to be done. I am truly blessed to have people like this in my life and will never be able to repay them for all they've done for me.

Life is full of surprises. I spoke to my H briefly last night, and while I didn't go into specifics, let him know that I did indeed contact his commander and made him aware of our situation. I also let him know that I was well aware of the results my actions may have on our relationship, and that I was willing to accept any consequences that may result because at the end of the day we all have to own up to our behaviors, right or wrong. However, I reiterated the fact that we all have choices, and no matter what others may do to us at the end of the day it's our decision how we choose to respond, therefore you can't blame someone else for your actions. To his credit my H listened very patiently, told me he knows I did what I had to do and that he was okay with me talking to his commander if that's what I needed to do. He then also said in his mind there was nothing I could do other than filing for divorce that would make him throw in the towel on our relationship, and that he hoped one day we could fix things and that I would return home because he loved and missed me. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt, but it meant a lot as it was one of the kindest things he's said to me in years, nevertheless since I've been gone. I'm still waiting to see what will happen once everyone has talked, but I can finally say my soul feels better today and for those who believe in God, I've placed it in His hands...His will be done.

Again, thank you all for your support.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 8:36 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

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