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First off I know I need IC. I know it but unfortunately right now finances will not allow for it. I'm trying to find something on a sliding scale because I know I desperately need it!

Since DD2 (7/23) my head has been a complete mess. I know this is to be expected during the emotional rollercoaster but I find myself almost unable to function. All I think about is WS, what he did, and whether or not he has NPD. Every day I go through the same inner turmoil.

Deep down I think I know the truth. Ws is a serial cheater. He had a PA when he was with his ex-wife, an EA early on in our relationship, and was caught sexting a co-worker. Those are facts. I also know that he can be very controlling and has a constant need for validation.
Two things I can not accept.

So knowing this you would think it would be an easy decision, right? He's cheated, he will do it again. The relationship isn't healthy to begin with. It would be best for me to get out.

But, I can't let go. Why??? Part of it I think is because I waited 29 years to get married and not even a year into I am contemplating divorce. I feel like a failure and an idiot. I know the infidelity isn't my fault but I ignored red flags left and right all the way.

Another part, the kids. His kids, my kid, and our kids. We are a blended family and I really don't want to put them through ANOTHER divorce/seperation. I know they say never stay for the kids though and already this whole thing has affected their lives. They don't know, but I am not the same. We are not the same. It will never be the same.

I have villianized WS so much. Really, he deserves it but in my mind he is no longer the man I fell in love with. He is a monster. Everything he now says or does I look at in a different light. I highly suspect he has NPD or at the very least tendancies. I grieve the loss of the man I once knew. I don't know who he is anymore. I am stunned by how much of a stranger he appears to me now.

I don't think I can get past all of this. I don't even know if I want to. But, I don't know why I can't let go. I am scared of either decision I make. I'm afraid to stay because he will most likely never change and more hurt will be my future. I'm afraid to leave because I'm afraid to be alone, a single mom, and I don't know if I can do it all one my own.

I just had to get this out there. I try to act like I know what I am doing but the truth is I don't. I'm a mess. I know what needs to be done but I'm paralized. I feel downright crazy.

Sweetie...

I am so sorry for your pain.

I am not in the greatest of places right now - even 7 years out - so I don't have any words of wisdom.

Someone will be by shortly to help.

I just want you to know that you have been heard!

BIG HUGS to you!

((cl131716))

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in.

Is your husband doing anything to work on his issues and figure out why he has had these behaviors?

The kids definitely are a factor in the decision making process. On the other hand, sometimes when couples stay together it can become an even more toxic environment for them.

Again, I am so sorry for all of the hurt that you are dealing with. I wanted to let you know you have been heard as well.

First things first, cl.(((((hugs)))))

I feel like a failure and an idiot. I know the infidelity isn't my fault but I ignored red flags left and right all the way.

Hindsight is 20/20, honey. You are not an idiot or a failure. You are hurting and torn as you try to figure out what is best for you, your kids, and your WS';kids. That's a huge and heavy responsibility to carry, and you are wise to be thoughtful and deliberate when considering what to do now.

That being said, if you are considering staying in the marriage because you feel some culpability for having married him despite the red flags? I say, very gently, that I am concerned you are punishing and/or martyring yourself. That's not a healthy or strong place to be, cl.

I know this is all still very new for you. You do NOT have to make a decision right now, ok? You can take the time to process the emotions and the pain, suss out your options, and let the immediate fall out die down so you can assess everything with a clearer head.

In the meantime, prioritize your self care. If you can't afford, IC, would clergy be helpful to you? Do you have a friend IRL you can confide in? We're here for you too. Keep posting, keep questioning, but above all, keep breathing. One day at a time.

Losferwords-Ws is also going to set up IC. I hope he does. A big part on whether or not I decide to work things out weighs on that. I don't feel I can ever trust him again if he doesn't figure out why he behaves this way.

I set up an appt for IC for next wed. I finally found a place that seems affordable. I really can't wait and hope I gain some clarity.

Thank you all for the kind words.