First off I know I need IC. I know it but unfortunately right now finances will not allow for it. I'm trying to find something on a sliding scale because I know I desperately need it!
Since DD2 (7/23) my head has been a complete mess. I know this is to be expected during the emotional rollercoaster but I find myself almost unable to function. All I think about is WS, what he did, and whether or not he has NPD. Every day I go through the same inner turmoil.
Deep down I think I know the truth. Ws is a serial cheater. He had a PA when he was with his ex-wife, an EA early on in our relationship, and was caught sexting a co-worker. Those are facts. I also know that he can be very controlling and has a constant need for validation.
Two things I can not accept.
So knowing this you would think it would be an easy decision, right? He's cheated, he will do it again. The relationship isn't healthy to begin with. It would be best for me to get out.
But, I can't let go. Why??? Part of it I think is because I waited 29 years to get married and not even a year into I am contemplating divorce. I feel like a failure and an idiot. I know the infidelity isn't my fault but I ignored red flags left and right all the way.
Another part, the kids. His kids, my kid, and our kids. We are a blended family and I really don't want to put them through ANOTHER divorce/seperation. I know they say never stay for the kids though and already this whole thing has affected their lives. They don't know, but I am not the same. We are not the same. It will never be the same.
I have villianized WS so much. Really, he deserves it but in my mind he is no longer the man I fell in love with. He is a monster. Everything he now says or does I look at in a different light. I highly suspect he has NPD or at the very least tendancies. I grieve the loss of the man I once knew. I don't know who he is anymore. I am stunned by how much of a stranger he appears to me now.
I don't think I can get past all of this. I don't even know if I want to. But, I don't know why I can't let go. I am scared of either decision I make. I'm afraid to stay because he will most likely never change and more hurt will be my future. I'm afraid to leave because I'm afraid to be alone, a single mom, and I don't know if I can do it all one my own.
I just had to get this out there. I try to act like I know what I am doing but the truth is I don't. I'm a mess. I know what needs to be done but I'm paralized. I feel downright crazy.