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ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/7/2013 10:17 AM

It is often said that marriages are built on trust and communication.

Obviously since the A, trust is gone and needs rebuilt.

Then there is communication.

Here is the scenario.

Saturday: we were to pick up son1 from friends house at 10am and take all the kids to a fun event from 11-12. Well, H got to talking with son1's friends parents and talked for 45 mins. By this time we don't have enough time to go to the event. I say something like, "well you talked a lot so we can't go now".

saturday night, plan was to pick up daughter from friend's --come home to spend time together, watch tv etc-- H was to pick up daughter1 from friend's house at 10pm...he got to talking to friend's parents and talked for 2 hours ...didn't get home until 1am. By this time, I was asleep. Forget movie night.

Sunday--I really really really wanted to go to this event (just me and a girlfriend of mine had planned to go to) from 1-2pm. I told him a month in advance about this event. Reminded him multiple times on weekend too...Well same thing, he started talking to friends at church for an hour....

By the time he got in the car, all i said is "Hurry up! I won't have enough time to make it to the event"

Well--he got mad and said "What is my problem? All I do is criticize him"...

"hurry up" is criticism?

Well, I missed the event! I didn't have enough time to get there.

I didn't say anything all day to H since all I said is "hurry up" and he can't accept that?

whatever. It has become increasingly evident we have communication issues as well as trust issues. Not that I didn't think so before--its just more evident to me. H doesn't like to "hear" me when I say we have to be at a certain place and time. Then the things he does hear is negative when i am not trying to be negative just stating the obvious.

you know the thing i keep reading in posts is that a lot of people thought their marriage was fine and then bam there was an A. Honestly, wasn't there any other problems? Not accusing--just asking. Was the A an aspect of other problems?

Any advice?

OnAnIsland posted 10/7/2013 10:32 AM

What strikes me here about the communication is that you have three cases of plans that were made and communicated in advance. It is as if your plans or even shared plans don't matter to him. Are you in MC? Is he passive aggressive? Has he always had a time management problem?

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 10:32 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/7/2013 10:43 AM

he isn't passive aggressive at all.

But that's what I said to him before i went to bed that night. What it points out is that he doesn't CARE what my plans are. Or what the family plans are...it is a complete disregard of my feelings and i feel like i don't matter at all.

Morhurt posted 10/7/2013 10:52 AM

I'm sorry ionlytalkedtoher, that must really hurt. Can you try telling him how that makes you feel?
For example "H, when we have plans to be somewhere at a certain time and you choose to talk to people and it makes us late I feel uncared for and unloved. In the future can you please try to remember our plans so we can be on time?"

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/7/2013 11:05 AM

I say this exactly--yet he sees this as me being mean and critical of him. \he thinks I am nit picking faults and accuses me of being perfect.

sisoon posted 10/7/2013 11:32 AM

he isn't passive aggressive at all.

That's a joke, right?

It's possible that ADD/ADHD is the culprit here, and you should probably check that out, but 3 failures to be on time sounds really fishy.

You mention 3 planned events that he screwed up. Did you get his agreement to support/attend those events?

If he agreed to do his part, he violated 3 commitments to you. If he didn't agree to do them, then he failed to raise an issue when it occurred to him. And he certainly failed to keep you informed of his whereabouts, which is a mark of disrespect at best.

And he compounds his eff-up by getting mad at you and feeling put upon because you mention is eff-up? I think that sounds like passive-aggressiveness, but who cares? It's really lousy behavior for anyone and especially for a WS during R.

What about your part? Did you do anything to cut your wait time short? Did you interrupt his conversation to remind him of his commitment to you? If he's ADD/ADHD, the interruptions are probably needed.

I don't know the whole way out of this, but I think the first step is, when you want to make an arrangement, you ask for your H's explicit agreement -

not this: 'I'd like to take the kids to this event Saturday at 11 AM',
but this: 'I'd like to take the kids to this event Saturday at 11 AM. Will you come with us?'

Decide on consequences for not meeting his commitment, and implement the consequences if he fails, because every failure to meet a commitment is another betrayal.