Its been 6 months since the DV trial. Everything has happened...
At first he was mean. Then there were a few months where he would mail love notes....drop off gifts....be cooperative. I admit I started missing him (companionship...sex...love). I even helped him when he came crying to me needing $. I bought his share of the car (yes...the same one he stole out of my driveway). But he kept trying to get me to drop the Protective Order (Red Flag). He got an apt & borrowed furniture....cars for months at a time...even a laptop from friends (that believed his lies). WHAT A USER!!!
As time went on I seriously considered getting back with him. But little signs were always there...like how he'd just yell at the dog for no reason....giving me the run around...the snide texts. I became more about "business" instead of the toxic emotional texting we were doing.
But now he is escalating. I have a tournament I am in 2x per week. He is also a member of that club but has no reason to be there when I am. He started being there when I arrived. Then showing up just to stare me down & then leaving. One time he watched me from the doorway for 5 minutes before coming in (b/c he told me every move I made), walking up to me, & tapping me on the shoulder, smiling & leaving. The 2nd to last time (2 weeks ago) he was there when I got there, left 30 min later, then came back 2 hours later-just walked in & stared me down till I noticed. I turned to my friend & next thing I know he was behind me telling me I must be drunk! A couple guy friends escorted him out. There were words exchanged in the parking lot. He left. (Small town...he started telling people he got "ambushed"-what a spin). The next night he appeared at a serious TICKETED awards dinner he had no business being at. Walked in...stared till I noticed...left. The next day I went to the police & filed a report. I didnt go last week. Stalking in my state has really high standards. CRAZED?
This is in addition to all the texts he sends saying he knows where I am...assuming what I am doing. Ie: I volunteered to help at the Legion for a funeral reception one afternoon & he texted me that he knew I was there & must be drinking. OBSESSED?
There are SO many more examples! The police said he would stop when he found someone new (clearly he realized he lost a good thing). Its just getting nastier. I cant even rebutt his mis-statements...its like beating a dead horse!
Not to mention his being a deadbeat dad! Wont pay support/give us $ when we have NO food!!! (See my post regarding Sociopath & Child Support). AND THIS GUY IS A SCOUT LEADER????
I saw my victim advocate yesterday. Long talk. Helpful. She gets the "classic abuser sociopath" thing. I hate that he puts on this facade & lies to everyone & they believe him (SO 2-FACED...IF INLY THEY KNEW WHAT HE SAYS BEHIND THEIR BACKS)!
I never wanted this. I sometimes think I should have kept my mouth shut about the cheating & lying & broken boundaries & abuse. Then I'd have food for my son. And still be able to create (work). And sex.
I am wondering for anyone who has been thru this how long/drawn out this trial could be? (the Prosecutor gave me a generous 5 minutes on the phone & didn't even get my name correct)? Will they attack me? Will my "friendly" texts &/or "harsh" texts to FWH make it seem like I am not afraid of him?
As far as the Protection Order...I am concerned about child abduction & parental alienation (don't think he would hurt our son physically). I don't want him in the house/property b/c he takes & damages things purposefully, as well as I know what he is capable of behind closed doors - he's a bully. In public, he "presents" it well.
Any advice here or PM is welcomed. I am going alone. I hope he doesn't read this.
It's been about a year since I posted...living in the turbulence that has become my marriage. There's much to share...but let me skip to the current situation.
Last month my FWH assaulted me. It wasn't the 1st time (there are 4 police reports in just the last 2 years), but this time I had to run to the neighbors to call 911 and the police arrested him & are pursuing it. This time - he paused before hitting me in the face - and I saw the look in his eyes. I also got a Protective Order for my 11-y/o and I. There are photographs. My knee still hurts.
That night I was out at a town event without him (he had copped an attitude earlier when we were together and I find it best to be away as I know his tendancy when he drinks is to get mean). I came home right after the event ended to a locked house - he didn't want to let me in. He got physical.
What I found out after the arrest was that he had loaded the car with his & marital valuables, hid my laptop in the attic crawlspace (just to be mean), and did other purposeful things before I even got home. He told the police I "fell". Get this - after being arrested & issued a proptective order that says "under no circumstances is he allowed on the property" he was able to "spin his story" to a sheriff who let him come on the property & take the family car...without so much as letting me get anything out of it!!! Despite the protective order!!!
The judge ordered that I get shared use of our car...and while I had it (per our arrangement) he had a gun-carrying buddy come on my property in the middle of the night & steal it. Same buddy came peeping in my windows after midnight - reporting the goings-on to my FWH - and I filed a NO TRESPASS warrant on him!
My FWH is good...meaning he is the consumate liar. I believed him for years. Nearly sociopath IMHO...he tells everyone HIS story. Some believe. Some see right thru him. He has turned our DS23 against me. And he still fools me!!! He's told the police I am having an affair with 1 guy (poor guy-he was shocked when I told him)...tells others I am having an affair with another guy (who has been my only friend & confidant & rescued me from the previous assaults & given me shelter)! (FYI, just 2 weeks before the assault he left his cell @ home and got a text on a "secret text app" from Laurie that said "I am coming to the island this weekend...wanna get up with me and talk?". (BTW, that's not the only red flag over the past several years).
The judge allowed us to text each other and I will admit to the harsh bickering texts as well as the I miss you too texts. It's sooo confusing after 25 years...I liken it to childbirth/labor...you sometimes forget the pain. You want it the way you imagined it would be. His texts (& actions) have been all over the place...minute by minute!! From I LOVE YOU to demanding I drop the Protection Order so he can mow the yard to telling me our marriage was better when I was giving him the cold shoulder & bashing me as a mother. It'll be "I am trying to cooperate with you and do things to help you" and the next minute he is stealing my car!
So tomorrow is his criminal trial for domestic assault & battery (Virginia) as well as the hearing on the final order of protection. I am all over the place and looking for experience/advice. He has a public defender but has been talking to lawyers. He has no $ supposedly (but I discovered that he has secret $). I waffle b/c if convicted it will go on his record & effect his job/$/benefits & our kids will hate me.
[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 9:17 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]
Your H has played mind games with you to the point you don't know what to believe or what to expect. That will be hard to overcome but you can do it. He has been mentally and physically abusive and you didn't deserve that. Big, giant hugs to you.
Why do you give a rip what anyone "thinks"? They aren't living your reality, and until they do, they have no place to judge. I have very little experience with DV, HOWEVER - What I do know is that the abusers all tend to have the same Modus Operandi. They take all power and control from their abusee, they make them think, and believe that they need them for anything and everything (Like mowing the yard?) They keep them isolated with very few to no friends, they make them feel worthless, stupid, and strangely that they need to be taken care of.
THIS IS BULLHOCKEY!!!! You are a smart, intelligent, well spoken, capable woman, and it's time for you to stand up and protect yourself, and your kiddo. State the facts that he has been abusive, not just physically, but sit down and think about the verbal, emotional, and controlling things he has done. Like keeping you without a vehicle. Without a job???
Write it down. Show that his behavior has escalated.
Right now your job is to protect yourself and your child. A conviction may actually help you more than you know. A battered woman, and that's what you are has rights, and there are all kinds of benefits and help avialable to you and your son. When the family sees the truth they will support you, and if they choose not to, then you are better off without them in your life anyway.
I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.
Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
Here is the number for the national hotline for DV -- 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) -- please call if you aren't tied into to your local system already. They can refer you to the resources where you live. If you are not in the US there are many places which have similar resources. Your family doctor can also refer you. You should not be doing this alone!
Mojo for you for the trial. Remember that the courts have seen it before, including the ambivalence of the victim. Stay safe.
I agree with tushnurse that you are in a cycle of abuse. It seems you both are playing the roles that are very typical in these situations. I would see if there are some support groups for DV victims. I know our Battered Women's shelter have support groups. You could check with them.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
As far as the car, it has to be in the domestic violence order. Any kind of contact is breaking the order, so I don't know about the texts. I do think it is legal for the sheriff to bring him to the house, not sure about that though.
I know that when I had my dvpo that any kind of contact with me or my children would have landed him in jail.
My only advice to you is be careful. I know how these men are. They are charming and everyone else thinks they are wonderful, but you and your kids know the truth, don't worry about anyone else.
And you should ask for a no contact one, and report him if he breaks it. Even if you love him, if you miss him, if the kids miss him, he is dangerous. Remember that.
I haven't even typed my story into my profile because it is so long. The physical abuse was going on so bad that I didn't even have a thought at the time of dealing with his cheating. I think that is what brought me here now although I almost feel like a fraud because due to the abuse, I pretty much skipped all the stages of affairs that so many on this site have endured. I am playing catch up now but he has been dead now for over 10 years so luckily for me, it isn't effecting me emotionally at this time. Just clicking all the pieces into place for me.
We have 2 sons together who at the time of our split were 9 or10 & 4years old. (They are now 28 & 22) It was hard on them though. My now 22 year old became quite my problem child through his Jr high days & put me thru absolute hell blaming me . My 28 year old remembers more & about 2 years ago told me he finally fully understood why I left & said he couldn't blame me for it & would now be upset if I had stayed & put up with it.
After many months of domestic violence counseling, I moved thru it all. BUT....I still loved him. After going thru it for 10 years, I finally knew it would never stop so I divorced him even while still loving him. (the words to Patty Smythe's song...."Sometimes love just ain't enough" became my mantra to help me get thru it & not go back)
Your son too will mature some day & will hopefully come around. If he won't talk to you, write him a letter. Don't hide ANY details about the cheating or the abuse. You are not to blame for either. Tell him you didnt want your children to think that either of those are OK in relationships & that you had to split for your own preservation & your children's. What happens in court is your husband's doing & is totally his consequences to face for his actions. Again....nothing on you whatsoever!!!
But.....whatever you do......PLEASE do not go back to him. Oddly enough through my domestic violence counseling, there are so many same traits & common actions between abusers & WS that it astounds me.
Over the last few years, I have gotten to witness the whole sick cycle of DV with 2 friends of ours. Neither will get help & both are just as violent as the other, so nothing anyone says has any impact. I have been able to know exactly which stage they are going through & am so ashamed that I put my family & friends thru the whole sick cycle myself. It has been very hard for me to watch & I tend to be the one calling them out on shit aloud when others won't.
The cheating is bad enough & you don't need the abuse to begin on top of it all.
I would be happy to PM back & forth if you want. I could say SOOOOO much more on the subject. Sadly, time or years doesn't change how the cycle works so I am here if you need me.
So sorry you are going through it all!!
BUT....in my 10 years going thru DV....my counselor even commented that mine was a strange case.
I was the main bread winner in my family & most times was the only one employed. I was more of the "boss" of the family. Looking back now, my H was basically like another child to me & could never make any adult type decisions on his own. My father was also the sheriff in the area we lived in & I think pretty much every deputy had it out for my WH due to my father. The only isolation from friends or family I had was of my own making so there are different scenarios. (Although "tushnurse" us correct that the majority is as she says)
Again, am happy to help as much as I can. I haven't posted much on SI because I feel my XWH's cheating took back seat to the abuse & I had to work thru that first & foremost for me to heal.
The Criminal Trial & Protection Order Extension hearing has come & gone. The victims advocate came & sat with me. I pulled an all-nighter the night before printing evidence - much of which I didn't need. I should've prepared better for what I wanted re: the PO though.
He was found GUILTY. But wow...the stuff that came out of his mouth!!! He did all kinds of bashing...saying I was drunk and falling down the stairs, that I was with some guy that night, that I have a boyfriend who is a pedafile, that I stay out all night, on and on. Even after it was all over he was asking the judge for his "stuff" (the judge remembered that he didn't have a list last hearing...and still didn't...judge wasn't having it - btw, I have given him so many loads of stuff - ie: when he asked for his coffee maker, I gave him that + coffee beans, grinder, tea, coffee cups, beer coozies, etc.). I told the judge he was speaking of marital assets and I am disputing those - we will take care of that in divorce court.
I actually regret not countering his false statements to the court - especially since I have evidence to the contrary along with damning evidence on him. I didn't want to annoy the judge by arguing against his extraneous tangents. Hopefully, the judge could see thru his lies.
It was a lot of he said/she said...but the clenchers to the judge were 1) how I described being under him on the bed, how he pulled back his arm, paused, and looked me in the eye - with a hollow, evil look - then smacked me across the face/head. And 2) that before I even got home that night, he had packed the car with his valuables & other marital assets along with hiding my laptop in the attic crawlspace as well as other things. The prosecutor really grilled him on this and he got all flustered. He told the court is was to "protect" those items from damage...(LOL-why would they be damaged later that night???) - a clear sign of pre-meditation.
He got 1st Offender Treatment which is a suspended sentence, 2 years probation (the victim advocate who came with me said it was a LONG probation), anger mgmt, & community svc. If he does something wrong in 2 years...it'll be bad.
RE: Protection Order. It was extended for 2 years for me. However, I actually regret this, but was being the bigger person - I lifted the PO on our son. (OMG - I actually felt sympathy for my WH and did this...what is wrong with me???) I didn't want to be vindictive. Ugh. *IF* anything happens I will be going back to modify the PO immediately!!!
Next month is Mediation re: Custody & Support. I know he is hiding $. Probably not much, but it pisses me off. I need Therapy...b/c I hate that I have done EVERYTHING for him for 25 years and what do I get? Cheated on, abused, and even after the fact, scammed & cheated.
Oh...and yesterday I knocked over a front & back make-up mirror which shattered! What does that mean? 14 years bad luck? Can I deduct the 14 from the 25 years I was married to this man?
Thank you for your well-wishes & support...it really gave me strength.
I hope you are receiving support in real life as well as therapy. I was emotionally/psychologically abused for many years and it took me to reach out for lots of help, to help me mentally escape and get strong emotionally. I loved books like "Why does he do That?", "Women That Love to Much", and "Codependent No More"
Alanon was a life saver, as well as my own therapist.
I am praying for you. YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Its been 6 months since the DV trial.†† Everything has happened...
At first he was mean.† Then there were a few months where he would mail love notes....drop off gifts....be cooperative.† I admit I started missing him (companionship...sex...love).† I even helped him when he came crying to me needing $.† I bought his share of the car (yes...the same one he stole out of my driveway).† But he kept trying to get me to drop the Protective Order (Red Flag).† He got an apt & borrowed furniture....cars for months at a time...even a laptop from friends (that believed his lies).†† WHAT A USER!!!
As time went on I seriously considered getting back with him.† But little signs were always there...like how he'd just yell at the dog for no reason....giving me the run around...the snide texts.† I became more about "business" instead of the toxic emotional texting we were doing.†
But now he is escalating.† I have a tournament I am in 2x per week. He is also a member of that club but has no reason to be there when I am.† He started being there when I arrived.† Then showing up just to stare me down & then leaving.† One time he watched me from the doorway for 5 minutes before coming in (b/c he told me every move I made), walking up to me, & tapping me on the shoulder, smiling & leaving.†† The 2nd to last time (2 weeks ago) he was there when I got there, left 30 min later, then came back 2 hours later-just walked in & stared me down till I noticed. I turned to my friend & next thing I know he was behind me telling me I must be drunk!† A couple guy friends escorted him out.†† There were words exchanged in the parking lot. He left. (Small town...he started telling people he got "ambushed"-what a spin). The next night he appeared at a serious TICKETED awards dinner he had no business being at. Walked in...stared till I noticed...left.†† The next day I went to the police & filed a report.† I didnt go last week. Stalking in my state has really high standards.† CRAZED?
This is in addition to all the texts he sends saying he knows where I am...assuming what I am doing.†† Ie: I volunteered to help at the Legion for a funeral reception one afternoon & he texted me that he knew I was there & must be drinking.† OBSESSED?
There are SO many more examples!†† The police said he would stop when he found someone new (clearly he realized he lost a good thing).†† Its just getting nastier.† I cant even rebutt his mis-statements...its like beating a dead horse!†
Not to mention his being a deadbeat dad!† Wont pay support/give us $ when we have NO food!!!† (See my post regarding Sociopath & Child Support).† AND THIS GUY IS A SCOUT LEADER????
I saw my victim advocate yesterday. Long talk. Helpful.† She gets the "classic abuser sociopath" thing.† I hate that he puts on this facade & lies to everyone & they believe him (SO 2-FACED...IF INLY THEY KNEW WHAT HE SAYS BEHIND THEIR BACKS)!
I never wanted this.† I sometimes think I should have kept my mouth shut about the cheating & lying & broken boundaries & abuse.† Then I'd have food for my son. And still be able to create (work).† And sex.†
Thisnis very scary begavior, IMO.
Isn't there some protection the police will give you? Isn't he violating a court order?
Do you know/can you learn unarmed self-defense? If you would use a gun on him, can you qualify for concealed carry?
Because he is on 2 yrs probation for the DV...should he violate it...its over for him. I've cut him some slack because for some dimented reason I dont want to ruin his life. How "classic abuse victim" syndrome is that?
Today I know a lot more about the protection order than I did last week. Even to the police its "subjective". But what I've started doing is being open about the truth (the abuse & PO) to friends & acquaintances (its a small island). That way...I will HAVE to "DO" something like call the police. I cant hide within the dirty little secret anymore. Next time he so much as enters a place he knows I am in (cant miss my car) its Buh-Bye.
RE: Guns. I am adamantly against them for me. I'd. Probably shoot myself. But a friend did give me some sort of brass knuckles eye gouger disguised as a kitty-shaped key chain.
Sorry you have to deal with this insanity.
I recommend you do some planning. Consider the threats you already know about. Plan when and how you'll call the police. Imagine carrying out every step of calling them.
If you can role play calling the police with someone, do that. Train yourself to call and otherwise protect yourself under conditions a, b, c, etc.
Hoping for the best for you....