Dear Selfish one,
Well I hope you enjoyed your birthday week. From what the kids told me, you have successfully found your life you wanted the last 6 years. All your friends took you out for Drinking, Karaoke, and dancing. I’m sure you had fun and I’m sure you’re now looking forward to living the social life of a single person you always wanted.
Most people would be mad at you for doing this; I refuse to allow myself to justify my angry with you for doing any of this. You and I are divorced, so you have done nothing wrong. You can get a new haircut, dance until you can’t stand up, drink,flirt,etc.. This is all part of your life. I will do what I can to wish you well, but to be honest, it does hurt to feel left out of your life.
But let me tell you who I am mad at. Who I could scream at, who I wish I could change in a very quick moment, me.
I allow the news of you partying it up to affect me. I allow myself to dread seeing you with your new haircut. I paint some picture of your life that is not accurate, about you enjoying life to its full extent. Every day is another smile, every moment is another adventure. I mean really? How can that be accurate? I bet you wish you had the false life I paint in my head. It's quite the party.
You were always going through some type of mood in our marriage. You always went through a period of being “depressed” and unhappy. Does that change just because you moved out?
Would that go away just because you can party like your 18? Even though you’re a 37 year old mother of three? I mean really? Really? Depression can be distracted, but not cured that way.
And how’s your money situation? You always had an issue paying bills on time, not charging things? Remember when you wanted to leave me the 2nd time (and you wanted to leave the kids)? I took over all bills in our house and found your $12,000 credit card debt. Nice work. I spent the next few years paying off that and our 2nd mortgage.
Remember when you came up to me years ago and said, “I want a divorce, I’m moving and taking the kids.” Let me ask you a question, would any of these “friends” of yours stay with their husbands if their wives did that? I begged you to tell me what your plan was,I was trying to force you to stay. I begged because I feared losing my kids. You said you didn’t know where you were going, you would stay with your dad in Arizona and then go somewhere, but you knew the entire time. You had met some guy online and were going to move out there.
I served you paperwork for the Divorce to force you to keep the kids in California. I protected my kids from some dude on the internet. That’s why papers were served.
Now I am mad at myself, why do I want someone like you? Why do I have feelings for someone who did these things to me? Why do I care what some confused, slutty, unhappy, and financially irresponsible person like you does? Sure we had good times, but they were all a facade. Not real. Underneath them were two people who were not meant to be together.
I should say I wish you the best, but I don’t. I should say that I don’t care, but I do. But I’m ready not to care. I’m ready for you to go out and find yourself, while I continue to be the best father to these kids I can be and find myself.
I’m not a bad guy. I make it a point not to screw people over. I don’t put myself in positions that do that. I work hard at work, I pay my bills, and I care for my kids. I take care of myself physically and mentally I study my faith and try and grow. I never onse hit you, actually you were the one who slapped me once. When we were married we had our problems, we did. I wasn’t perfect. But I had your back. Good luck finding that when shitty things start to happen. When your car breaks down, a parent dies, or if you get sick. I would have been your safety net in life, let’s see your friends be that. Or you find prince charming to ride in to the rescue.
But I’m my issue, not you. You just resemble someone I use to know, or thought I did. I need to find me.
