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Waywardcrazy posted 10/7/2013 12:36 PM

I am about 2 months post D-day and it seems that my WS is still in the same place he was then. My profile has my full story on it so I will skip the details. My WS is currently living with his still married AP (according to him she is filing for D but I am unsure about where that is at this point). I have retained an attorney to file for separation but I really am only doing it because that is what my WS wants. I have read a lot of other testimonies and most seem like the WS doesn't actually want a divorce. That is certainly not my case. I am on this forum to seek advice on whether I should continue to have hope of him coming around to seeing that his life with the kids and I is worth it. He said back in the day, that he would want to divorce even if he broke up with his AP but I was hoping that was not true. He has been an active WS for 8 months and I have known for just 2. I feel like he should be hitting his peak on the whole chemical rush thing. My heart tells me to hang in there and wait it out. My heart also tells me that it might be time to write him a letter to let him know where stand and possibly a letter to the OW asking her to step aside for the sake of my children. Since I don't really know this guy anymore, I am concerned that he will not soften up to me as he sees me as such a horrible person now.

What should I do.

StillGoing posted 10/7/2013 13:08 PM

Hey there. You may want to try posting over in the Just Found Out forum, it's got a lot of folks who are in the same place you are and can understand what you're feeling and help you through it. Not that the R forum doesn't, but.. I dunno.

This is a great post for folks new to this to read, called the Tactical Primer by SerJr:

It covers pretty much all of the basics and can help steer you in choosing the direction you feel suits you best.

As for whether or not you should hold out hope.. I say hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He has shown you through his actions what he is capable of doing, and that he abandoned you and your children is a very significant statement. It hurts but either way you go, that's a truth that needs careful scrutiny.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself - eating right, drinking enough water, sleeping enough. Exercise helps. Like I said, take a look over in the JFO forum as well.

Good luck. Sorry you are hurting.

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/7/2013 13:12 PM

I am so, so, sorry you are going through this. What a mess.

I'll be honest: the only reason I am hanging in there is because my WS is so remorseful and committed to us. If he was just going through the motions, or actively seeking a divorce, I'd be the first to sign. You don't deserve a spouse that won't choose you after making what he should recognize as the biggest fuck up in his life. :(

LosferWords posted 10/7/2013 13:14 PM

Hello, and welcome, Waywardcrazy.

I'm really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad that you found us.

I agree with StillGoing to prepare for the worst case scenario. Do you have an attorney that can help explain your rights and how best to protect your kids?

In addition to the tactical primer, "The Healing Library" in the upper left part of the screen has many great resources.

Again, so sorry for what you are going through. More folks will be along for support.

sri624 posted 10/7/2013 18:02 PM

higs to you....i am sorry that you are here. i agree that the JFO forum is a good place to be right now. and the tactical primer is a must read.

dont contact the ow. she has already shown you that she has no regard for you, or your children. you will be talking on deaf ears. and you dont want him back that way anyway.

this is so hard. i know it is. my h was in a deep fog as well. and was with the ow during our separation. after all your reading, the one thing that you will find is that the best thing you can do for you and your children is to take care of YOU. you have no control of what decisions he decides to make. you can only control what YOU do.

i learned that from SI. once i started thinking about myself, my child, and what was best for our healing, i was able to 180 my h...set some hard boundaries, and really get my mind around making some tough decisions. again, what was best for ME and my child.

hugs to you.

DecimatedHeart posted 10/7/2013 18:27 PM

I can't speak as to the odds of your WH waking up, but I can tell you from experience, don't write OW. I did the same, WH admitted he told her I didn't love him anymore, so I made sure she knew I did. I was respectful (disgustingly so) and begged for mercy for the sake of my daughter. She never replied, but it was clear from emails to WH I found, she just saw me as the weak gazelle, easily taken out. My dignity took a direct hit and I gained nothing but regret. She doesn't care about you or your kids. She doesn't deserve the power over you.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 6:28 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Waywardcrazy posted 10/7/2013 20:10 PM

Thank you everyone for you responses. I have not had a chance to look into the healing library yet but just based on what you have all said about the 180, I am doing it. I will admit that the first week or two after D-day I was not eating. My saving grace is my beautiful baby girl that requires me for sustenance therefore I forced myself to eat something just to keep my milk supply up. I am back to a normal appetite now that most of the crazy is calmed down. I have made it very hard for my WH to find flaws. I dress nice, put make up on, go to work, clean house, exercise...etc. I have made me and the kids my priority. I just am so stuck inside my head because I am attempting to rationalize with the irrational. I keep telling myself that this relationship with the OW should be over soon but I have seen no indications of that. Of course, my WH probably would not tell me if it was.

The reason I posted on the Reconciliation boards was because I had hoped to hear from former and/or recovering WS. I want to know that someone in such a deep fog who has seemingly given up on the marriage could realize what a mistake they are making. Would it be worth my time to write to my WH to let him know I still want to work on the marriage, etc?

Gr8Lady posted 10/7/2013 21:40 PM

The 180 is the only way to go. Plus for some strange reason, if the WS thinks you are no longer an option, WS may have 2nd thoughts.
Your WS made comment that he wanted divorce even if he wasn't with AP. Doesn't that sound like he wants to keep all options open for what he wants? How about what you want?
I would 180 stop talking to him and file for divorce. If R is in the future, it should be after he earns you back.
IMHO that will wake him up. The grass isn't greener, but his way he has you waiting "just in case".
180. And don't engage with him.
That may just be what he needs to pour himself a big steaming cup of wake the fuck up.

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