By posting positive, I don't want to give the impression that this has been easy or that I don't have terrible days. But when April hit my head started clearing up. When July hit and we told my parents I felt a weight removed. Their daughter with the shiny, happy family had troubles, needed their support and they stood by not only me but my H. These are good people whose words counts. And when September came and I finally came face to face with the AP, I looked at her. Right at her. She looked away. As I said in another post to quote, Sinatra's, My Way, "I ate it up and spit it out." My life, AP. You have no power over me.
Our best friends have stood by us as they did on our wedding day. My bf was not ready to see my H this past summer when we visited and that is okay. I accepted it. What else could I do? My niece is still not talking to my H and barely speaking to me. That's okay. I accept where we are right now but I won't lie. Her absence hurts.
Dad said to me, "We are a family. We stick together and not just when it suits us. We don't support one and not the other." He is so wonderful - brings tears to my eyes. Dad has been sober since I turned 10. So he gets hurting, deceiving, lying to people. He gets when people don't want to make amends. He gets the shame. He lives in the moment now which is where I try to be everyday. But it is not easy
My H is a good man who made terrible choices between 2009-2011. He is repulsed by his behavior. He physically cringes when he recalls that time.
He loves me. He listens. He was remorseful from D-Day. He whined once that this was hard. His dad told him to imagine I was an empty bucket. Fill her bucket, he told him. It's empty.
And he has been.
We will keep moving forward and I will keep sharing my stories with you.
God speed to those whose hearts are breaking. Remember, its not just time but how you use the time, that heals. That, and R is not linear.
Bless. LA
There are some days when I feel we are moving at hyper speed towards R and then days like today where I feel so broken and I can't go even a few seconds with the thoughts and questions and disgust swimming through my brain and I don't know how I could possibly live with this wound for the rest of my life.
My WS has been working so, so hard to be the person we both thought he was before this happened, and I recognize it, but the hurt is so strong that it's hard to see the future when I'm blinded by the pain. All I've ever wanted for every day of my life since I met this man was to be happy with him forever.
So happy for you. Your family sounds very supportive. I hope one day your niece and friend will be able to have peace with the decisions you have made and one day be able to have good relationships with you and your H.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Here's the other stuff:
2 weeks post-D-Day: Provided a timeline and answered numerous questions (this would go on for months).
Called AP with No Contact statement.
Bought and read, After the Affair by Janis A Spring. I eventually did too.
Read numerous articles from Healing Library and posts.
January - Onward: When confronted in person by AP he reiterated NC.
Made his IC appointment and apologized to therapist as we had been seeing her for MC during the A. He had lied to her when she asked him privately if he was having an A.
Made first MC appoint. We never missed these hard as they were.
Apologized daily.
I bought and he read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal...
I bought we read, the 5 Love Languages. We practice them daily.
Constantly asked those first few months, "do you want to talk?"
Showed up for family life. Honoured responsibilities - not just waiting for me to do them or leaving them indefinitely.
We still attend IC and we do a MC check up.
He has made only 3 posts here and that is fine. At first I wanted him to do that more but it is not his thing. He does read and we talk about those posts.
Promised me, "LA, if you give me a chance, you will never regret it." To date, I haven't.
((ShatteredLove)) - your D-day just happened. The hurt is terrible. Like nothing else. Keep reading, posting and talking. There is no rush to forgive. I have not uttered those words. You know when you know.
Thank you all for your kindness. You have played a huge role in our recovery.
The pain and hurt can still be fresh at ten months but when moving forward with healing it can sometimes seem a million miles away.
When you get to a point where you "get it" and I know you do...its almost like you know you can get through the hurdles. There is still pain sometimes but it's a different pain a "I have to walk through this" kind of pain. KWIM? The fear of survival is gone and you can continue to step towards health and self awareness.
As much as the situation that brings us here sucks when you walk through the experience what we learn and find about ourselves, our spouse and our marriage amaze me.
It isn't just true with R...it's true with healing. Whatever path someone takes R or D the growth potential within each of us still leaves me dumbfounded.
You got this, I am proud of you.
(((hugs)))
There is still pain sometimes but it's a different pain a "I have to walk through this" kind of pain. KWIM? The fear of survival is gone and you can continue to step towards health and self awareness. As much as the situation that brings us here sucks when you walk through the experience what we learn and find about ourselves, our spouse and our marriage amaze me.
@karmahappens! You are here!
You my friend have been instrumental in my healing. Your words always made sense, always made me feel like I was not on the crazy train for feeling how I was at any given time. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, being kind with your honesty. You have made a difference.
((Wondertwin)) your note brought tears to my eyes. I recall 9 weeks in....he was doing everything right. It was not enough to take the pain out of my gut and stop my mind from wanting to burst but it was reassuring. These acts build and build. A new foundation. But like karmahappen says whether you R or D, there is work to be done within and as humans our potential is great. I am reading so much now. There is opportunity for good things to come from this terrible time.
((SoAngryandhurt)) You are welcome.
R is not linear
When I was having a down day, my husband would remind me of that and all the positive moments we were experiencing in the present.
All the best to you and your husband on your journey forward.
I have followed you since the beginning...your DD was AFTER mine and yet I find myself following you. I am not anything but happy for you both....thank you for so honestly and regularly posting.
You have consistently been in my specific prayers for folks on here...keep posting!
God be with us all.
I popped in last week to send a PM and I have been reading since...lol.
I am just too opinionated to keep my mouth shut.
Thank you for your kind words.
I think one thing I had going for me which you and many, many others did not was that the A was over by the time I found out. I cannot even imagine having to deal with it in "real time" so to speak.
I did not have to fight for him to come back to us or try to get him to see how effed up he was. He knew this already! He was relieved to say NC.
Also, she did not live near us so no daily triggers unlike your sitch. That is hard, man.
These things coupled with his flat out remorse truly worked in my favour. Had I found out in 2011 when it was on its way out, I very well could have left. My head space was not good that year.
Sometimes I think that as far as A circumstances go, I got lucky....
ummmm....did I just say that?
[This message edited by LA44 at 7:50 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
Thank goodness for that, karma!
Thank you for sharing your positive story. It really helped me see that we are not crazy for being as far along in our R as we are. Something I had just posted in General about actually.
