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10 months in....please read

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LA44 posted 10/7/2013 12:45 PM

We are 10 months past D-Day and in a very good place. I mostly post positive stuff bc that is what my head needs given Dec.'s trauma. And make no mistake, it is traumatizing. Like nothing else I have experienced. I was literally on my knees those first few days.

By posting positive, I don't want to give the impression that this has been easy or that I don't have terrible days. But when April hit my head started clearing up. When July hit and we told my parents I felt a weight removed. Their daughter with the shiny, happy family had troubles, needed their support and they stood by not only me but my H. These are good people whose words counts. And when September came and I finally came face to face with the AP, I looked at her. Right at her. She looked away. As I said in another post to quote, Sinatra's, My Way, "I ate it up and spit it out." My life, AP. You have no power over me.

Our best friends have stood by us as they did on our wedding day. My bf was not ready to see my H this past summer when we visited and that is okay. I accepted it. What else could I do? My niece is still not talking to my H and barely speaking to me. That's okay. I accept where we are right now but I won't lie. Her absence hurts.

Dad said to me, "We are a family. We stick together and not just when it suits us. We don't support one and not the other." He is so wonderful - brings tears to my eyes. Dad has been sober since I turned 10. So he gets hurting, deceiving, lying to people. He gets when people don't want to make amends. He gets the shame. He lives in the moment now which is where I try to be everyday. But it is not easy

My H is a good man who made terrible choices between 2009-2011. He is repulsed by his behavior. He physically cringes when he recalls that time.

He loves me. He listens. He was remorseful from D-Day. He whined once that this was hard. His dad told him to imagine I was an empty bucket. Fill her bucket, he told him. It's empty.

And he has been.

We will keep moving forward and I will keep sharing my stories with you.

God speed to those whose hearts are breaking. Remember, its not just time but how you use the time, that heals. That, and R is not linear.


1bigidiot79 posted 10/7/2013 12:56 PM

Thank you for posting this. As a WS I needed to hear it. I need to hear that there is hope. I pray my family and my BS's family are this supportive. I hope I can fill my wife's bucket!

bionicgal posted 10/7/2013 12:59 PM

Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!

Jrazz posted 10/7/2013 13:02 PM

Great post, LA44. I hope things continue to move upward.

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/7/2013 13:05 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I need encouragement so badly today. We are only 6 weeks out from my husband's ONS which ripped through my heart and has left me in more emotional pain than I ever knew possible. And to have it be done by the person I've loved all these years...

There are some days when I feel we are moving at hyper speed towards R and then days like today where I feel so broken and I can't go even a few seconds with the thoughts and questions and disgust swimming through my brain and I don't know how I could possibly live with this wound for the rest of my life.

My WS has been working so, so hard to be the person we both thought he was before this happened, and I recognize it, but the hurt is so strong that it's hard to see the future when I'm blinded by the pain. All I've ever wanted for every day of my life since I met this man was to be happy with him forever.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/7/2013 13:14 PM

Wonderful post. You and your H have come such a long way in 10 months. I was no where near where you are at 10 months ('cause I didn't find SI until 8 months out).

So happy for you. Your family sounds very supportive. I hope one day your niece and friend will be able to have peace with the decisions you have made and one day be able to have good relationships with you and your H.

LA44 posted 10/7/2013 13:58 PM

If it helps other WS and BS's, let me jot down what my WS has done since D-Day. I remember karmahappens telling me that there can be no R without remorse. She was so right. Remorse has been on the table since D-Day.

Here's the other stuff:

2 weeks post-D-Day:
Provided a timeline and answered numerous questions (this would go on for months).

Called AP with No Contact statement.

Bought and read, After the Affair by Janis A Spring. I eventually did too.

Read numerous articles from Healing Library and posts.

January - Onward: When confronted in person by AP he reiterated NC.

Made his IC appointment and apologized to therapist as we had been seeing her for MC during the A. He had lied to her when she asked him privately if he was having an A.

Made first MC appoint. We never missed these hard as they were.

Apologized daily.

I bought and he read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal...

I bought we read, the 5 Love Languages. We practice them daily.

Constantly asked those first few months, "do you want to talk?"

Showed up for family life. Honoured responsibilities - not just waiting for me to do them or leaving them indefinitely.

We still attend IC and we do a MC check up.

He has made only 3 posts here and that is fine. At first I wanted him to do that more but it is not his thing. He does read and we talk about those posts.

Promised me, "LA, if you give me a chance, you will never regret it." To date, I haven't.

((ShatteredLove)) - your D-day just happened. The hurt is terrible. Like nothing else. Keep reading, posting and talking. There is no rush to forgive. I have not uttered those words. You know when you know.

Thank you all for your kindness. You have played a huge role in our recovery.

karmahappens posted 10/7/2013 15:35 PM

I watch you and smile LA.

The pain and hurt can still be fresh at ten months but when moving forward with healing it can sometimes seem a million miles away.

When you get to a point where you "get it" and I know you do...its almost like you know you can get through the hurdles. There is still pain sometimes but it's a different pain a "I have to walk through this" kind of pain. KWIM? The fear of survival is gone and you can continue to step towards health and self awareness.

As much as the situation that brings us here sucks when you walk through the experience what we learn and find about ourselves, our spouse and our marriage amaze me.

It isn't just true with's true with healing. Whatever path someone takes R or D the growth potential within each of us still leaves me dumbfounded.

You got this, I am proud of you.


TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/7/2013 15:44 PM

Thank you for that beautiful story. We are 9 weeks in and have come so very far. He has done everything I have asked and more and after three days of actually feeling some peace- I was starting to doubt . Is this too good right now? But your story helped me see all of the work we have done and will continue to do. You sound strong and you sound at peace- and that is my goal for me and for my H. I believed we can do it an I believe we are worth it.
You story only strengthened my belief and I thank you.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 10/7/2013 15:50 PM

Thank you for the positive post. Your story brings hope.

LA44 posted 10/7/2013 19:05 PM

There is still pain sometimes but it's a different pain a "I have to walk through this" kind of pain. KWIM? The fear of survival is gone and you can continue to step towards health and self awareness.

As much as the situation that brings us here sucks when you walk through the experience what we learn and find about ourselves, our spouse and our marriage amaze me.

@karmahappens! You are here!

You my friend have been instrumental in my healing. Your words always made sense, always made me feel like I was not on the crazy train for feeling how I was at any given time. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, being kind with your honesty. You have made a difference.

((Wondertwin)) your note brought tears to my eyes. I recall 9 weeks in....he was doing everything right. It was not enough to take the pain out of my gut and stop my mind from wanting to burst but it was reassuring. These acts build and build. A new foundation. But like karmahappen says whether you R or D, there is work to be done within and as humans our potential is great. I am reading so much now. There is opportunity for good things to come from this terrible time.

((SoAngryandhurt)) You are welcome.

LA44 posted 10/7/2013 19:07 PM

and thank you SMS, I hope my niece comes around too. Her 17 years can only see so far right now.

DixieD posted 10/7/2013 19:25 PM

Great post LA44.

R is not linear

When I was having a down day, my husband would remind me of that and all the positive moments we were experiencing in the present.

All the best to you and your husband on your journey forward.

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 19:36 PM

Way to go LA44 and Mr. takes two to move as swiftly and confidently as you guys have.

I have followed you since the beginning...your DD was AFTER mine and yet I find myself following you. I am not anything but happy for you both....thank you for so honestly and regularly posting.

You have consistently been in my specific prayers for folks on here...keep posting!

God be with us all.

karmahappens posted 10/7/2013 19:43 PM

@karmahappens! You are here!

I popped in last week to send a PM and I have been reading

I am just too opinionated to keep my mouth shut.

Thank you for your kind words.

LA44 posted 10/7/2013 19:50 PM

Bless you blakesteele. Beautiful thought - that I am in your prayers - to leave me with as I try to retire for the night. Thank you.

I think one thing I had going for me which you and many, many others did not was that the A was over by the time I found out. I cannot even imagine having to deal with it in "real time" so to speak.

I did not have to fight for him to come back to us or try to get him to see how effed up he was. He knew this already! He was relieved to say NC.

Also, she did not live near us so no daily triggers unlike your sitch. That is hard, man.

These things coupled with his flat out remorse truly worked in my favour. Had I found out in 2011 when it was on its way out, I very well could have left. My head space was not good that year.

Sometimes I think that as far as A circumstances go, I got lucky....

ummmm....did I just say that?

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:50 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

LA44 posted 10/7/2013 19:52 PM

I am just too opinionated to keep my mouth shut.

Thank goodness for that, karma!

shatteredheart7 posted 10/7/2013 20:02 PM

LA44, I feel like we have similar stories. My FWH's A was over before he confessed to me. He had already done the work in IC to figure out his issues. He had already done a lot of the hard work on his part. He has been full of remorse since day 1. I too believe that it makes a huge difference. It has been just over a year since he confessed to me and 20 months since the A ended and we are also in a very good place.

Thank you for sharing your positive story. It really helped me see that we are not crazy for being as far along in our R as we are. Something I had just posted in General about actually.

PreachersWife1 posted 10/7/2013 20:08 PM

LA, that was a fantastic post! I debate on coming back to this site because I feel like I just peel the scab off when I do...the down days take me WAY down. But I am early in R&R and found your post to be so uplifting!!! We definitely need more of that! I've been cheated on in ALL of my love relationships (in IC to figure out why that is....) so when trying to R this time, I have trouble finding my why...then I read about sucessful R's and it's just amazing, even to hear the good stuff that happens when people try. God bless you and thanks for your positive energy!

5674emt posted 10/7/2013 20:13 PM

LA44 thank you for the post.
I am in the same place, 10 months tomorrow. His 3 1/2 year ended 1 year ago this week and he has been devoted to only me since then. I found out about the A 2 months after it ended because OW knew she no longer had a hold on him.
We are also in a good place, Love Languages, MC, family, friends and God are healing this broken M.
Delighted for your R and thankful to know there are others healing like us.

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