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Still Having a Hard Time

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kroma posted 10/7/2013 13:50 PM

It's been 5 weeks since I moved out. There hasn't been much change as far as how my wife feels. Last week at her request we met with a separation mediator. It was extremely difficult for both of us. I could see the sadness in her eyes and how much she hated that we were at this point in our lives. Afterwards our conversation in the parking lot didn't go so well as can be expected. However, later that afternoon we had a good talk and for the next day and a half we were friendly. It was our daughter's 14th birthday and we all went out to dinner and had a great time. The next day I took my kids to visit my brother and his family just outside NYC for the weekend. That was tough. We went into the city both days and I had a hard time not thinking about her and how much she loved the city. My kids never knew it. We smiled and laughed and had a great time. But inside I was hurting. I so wished for her to be there.
I've gotten advice from every corner all telling me the same thing. Time to take care of myself and be there for the kids. Let time heal and give her what she needs. So 5 weeks into this and I'm doing the best I can. Problem is I still can't stop being sad. I wake up and she's in my head. I go to work or see my kids or whatever and she's in my head. I go out with friends or watch TV and she's in my head. It's constant. I'm trying everything but the sadness won't go away. And it's not just me. I know she's hurting some too. I broke her heart a year ago. As she puts it "I killed her". I know that this past weekend in the city bothered her too. Bc she loved going with me and the kids. It's where I took her for her 40th. I know she hates this but she says she knows it's the right thing for her. She says she will never be able to trust me again. She says she doesn't see us together in the future. It hurts to hear her say those things. This coming from a person who treated me better than herself. I can't blame her when it comes to the trust. It didn't happen to me but if it did I probably would feel the same way. But here's what I know. My A was a 1 shot deal. It happened over 3 months. But that is not who I was and it will never be. Through IC I've been able to understand the before and after as to why it happened and what was happening in my head. Even if my wife never comes back and I find someone else I will never put myself out there. Boundaries. Trust. A word that I took for granted just like my marriage. Until now. Whether it's my wife or someone else in the future I will always find a way to build it. I will never let my partner feel like they can't trust me again. I don't know how if at all I can do this with my wife but I will try. Right now I think the trust is one of the biggest issues she's having with me which keeps her mind on separation and possible divorce. I know it's her decision and all I can do is take 1 day at a time and see what happens.
I apologize bc I started to ramble but I just find myself constantly struggling to move on and constantly sad. I definately have a hard time accepting the situation we're in and always feel the need to reach out. I miss her beyond belief and the pain just doesn't go away. When she hears about my pain she reacts and says she's had pain for a year. And she has. I wish it could go away for both of us. She knows I admit everything and am a changed man but in her head it's too late. "Someone else will enjoy the new you" she says. It sucks. I want her to enjoy the new me. The whole god damn thing sucks.

jemimapd posted 10/7/2013 14:21 PM

Kroma, I am a BW so I'm on the other side but I'm also divorcing my husband so maybe I can help you a little.

My husband is genuinely sorry as well. But there are all sorts of reasons why reconciliation has not worked, despite me being 100% committed.

One of them is that I busted him. That is a huge deal for me. He did not give her up. He gave her up when found out. I'm not sure if that is relevant to you. It is very significant for me. I believe it would still be going on if I had not found out.

I worshipped my husband. I thought he was a good guy with integrity. The affair and the lies - during and after the affair - killed that. It's dead. I've tried to revive it but it's gone.

My husband is not the man I thought he was.

I'm afraid, gently, that you don't get a pass by being good now. The affair has consequences. Some people have more serious consequences than others.

I suggest you don't talk to your wife about your pain but find others to share that with. She is hurting not "some" but a lot. It sounds like she needs some space. My husband is hounding me, trying to persuade me not to go ahead with the divorce, and honestly it is making things worse.

Focus on yourself. Get out and about and get healthy mentally and emotionally for you. Not for her, not for some future partner which is the LAST thing you need for a very long time, but for you.

kroma posted 10/7/2013 17:35 PM

You're actually on the money. She found and sometimes says the same thing. That she thinks we'd of stayed together if I wasn't caught. And this has been a big deal for her as well.
As for me and who I am? Well this I can say for a fact. I think I was a great husband and a great dad for 15 years. Had some issues from work. This is no excuse and I've never said it was but I did have issues that contributed to my behaviors. That being said yes I still made the choice no question. Since I've been in IC weekly for a year and changed my position in my job. I've done great by my wife's words but it still doesn't matter. The consequences are very real and all mine. In fact it never ends for me. Without going into details they are getting worse for me even a year later. I hope some day this can be put behind me so I can move on with my life.
I know what you mean about not pushing the issue too. I try not to and give her as much space as I can. We talk/text about the kids all the time. I try not to text her about us as much and considering we were very communicative for 16 years I'd say it's been ok. That being said sometimes I can't help it even though I figure it pushes her away. It just gets so hard bc I miss her. I miss talking and hearing her voice. I miss everything about her so I struggle with staying away.
Thanks for the advice bc you're exactly right. Take care of me. I know this. But like the subject says....I'm still having a really hard time.

StillLivin posted 10/8/2013 11:27 AM

I can't really offer much advice. I'm the BS here too! Just keep doing what you have been to improve yourself.
Remember, it ain't over until the fat lady sings. Try to stay positive, maybe time away will heal her where R couldn't. Many of us wish our WSs had given half the effort at R and changing for the better. Don't know if that helps, but I hope so.

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