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Newest Member: Saad (61538)

User Topic: what would you do or feel?
♀ 38414
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH and I have a friend, who has been a friend for a long time, who is also a friend of AP. She did NOT know about the A. was as shocked when it came out as BH and anyone else was. She has known and been friends with AP for about as long as she has us. We have not talked a lot since the A came out, but when it first came out she voiced to me that she was disappointed in both of our actions but that she believed people make dumb decisions sometimes and that both parties could learn about themselves and grow in their self discovery and that she wanted to continue a friendship with both of us (independently obviously) and that she hoped that it was not an issue. I was fine with that, as long as she understood that under no condition were we to discuss him or anything about him. that was 9 months ago. Her life got busy and we were not able to talk much in that 9 months other than just a hi/bye. She text me last night and wants to meet for dinner one night and catch up. My question is how would you feel about this situation? BS and WS both feel free to help me out here.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say it is largely up to your BH whether he feels like this might be a window into your world. You might discuss what is ok to talk about, and know that whatever you say might be translated strangely.

You know this person, and if she is a friend of your marriage, I wouldn't see why not. It is probably hard for her as well.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3520 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 39858
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as a BS, I'd say turn down the invite and be okay with the reality that some relationships (even great relationships) just fade into the past.

I wouldn't be comfortable knowing my WH was meeting with someone who could give/share "updates" to and about his AP.

Maintain "Hi/Bye", be cordial, and invest your time with new friends who aren't a threat to your marriage.

I realize this friend hasn't done anything wrong, but she's a "door" nonetheless. My WH has had to close many "innocent doors" in order to give me the security I need.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 15 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
♀ 40308
Member # 40308
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with kickboxer. Would not want my WH to continue a relationship with a close friend of OP. It would make me very uncomfortable. I think you probably sense that deep down but I understand it helps to get feedback.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 33901
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not see a problem once it is agreed upon with your WH. From your post, I understand that she did not know about your affair, so she was not a facilitating party, either by doing or not doing something.
As long as she respects your boundaries (e.g., not discussing the OP or the affair), as BH, I would not have a problem.

[This message edited by frankier at 4:01 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Me BS 48 - Her WS 39 (at the time)
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 138 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she also a friend of your husbands? Could you invite her to your house and include your husband on your time together?

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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