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Do you kill yourself with "what ifs"?

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sad34 posted 10/7/2013 13:51 PM

I'm the worse " what if person" I know. So now that I'm dealing with my whs infidelity I'm even worse.
What if I had checked his phone, what if I had asked more questions what if I had caught them together.
He says he was never gonna leave me for her, I ask why and he says; she had kids, she had no ambition, she partied too much, she wasn't smart enough.
Then I say, when u first met her u didn't know these things. Didn't know she was dumb, he thought her job was high paying instead of low paying. He thought she hadmore education instead of six months worth. Thought she was hard working and that they had lots in common.
When he was first with her the emails he sent her were full of nasty things about me and how much he wished he had met her sooner and told her he loved her sooner etc. he soon found out she was a low life after 8 months ish, he stayed with her for years but the emails became less impassionate but he was already hooked on the ego boost.
What I think was if she had been the person he wanted he would have left me for her. The odds of someone else asking for his number that wasn't as hideous I believe is high. He said almost right away he was seperated so it's not like she had to b bad cause she thought he was cheating.
Anyone else have what ifs?

catlover50 posted 10/7/2013 14:00 PM

I do wonder what would have happened if my H had actually liked the OW. She just made herself available, wasn't someone he would have chosen, and as time went on he liked her less and less as she couldn't hide her crazy anymore; then he was trapped. He was thrilled to end it.

So...what if she hadn't been so crazy? What if by some miracle a halfway decent person would have gotten involved with him? Would he have gotten emotionally involved?

He did try to replicate the ego boost without the sex later with a different girl; get what he thought he needed to fill his dark places without the guilt and shame. Didn't work.

Now he finally realizes what was missing; it was in him all along.

sodamnlost posted 10/7/2013 14:00 PM

I had so many what if's before I finally accepted *THIS* is my life. Not an easy place to get to and one I still leave occasionally :-( It's such a horrible feeling.

I wish I had some magical answer as to how to stop them but I don't. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and have been heard.

Tred posted 10/7/2013 14:02 PM

Anyone else have what ifs?

All. The. Damn. Time.

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/7/2013 14:30 PM

I have SO MANY. Because my husband was a sexual compulsive for 13 years before he cheated, I have years and years worth.

What if I had fought about the porn more often? What if I had told him that I thought he was an alcoholic instead of just relaxing after work? What if I had told him that it concerned me that he didn't seem to enjoy sex, that it always seemed like he was just trying to get it done with? What if I had known that he would wake up at 4am to watch porn and masturbate for "a couple hours" before work? What if I had gone with him on the trip he invited me to go to where he ended up hiring a prostitute?

So. Many. What ifs. And I know that I can't change the past as much as he can't change the past. But dammit if I don't think every single day that I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and get him help for this mess that ruled his life for almost 20 years and caused our entire marriage to be missing something that neither of us noticed until it was too late.

Ostrich80 posted 10/7/2013 15:36 PM

Just call me Ostrichwhatif80. Yes I do, I used to a lot more than now.

OldCow18 posted 10/7/2013 16:09 PM

God, yes. What if I hadn't caught him when I did, how long would it have gone on? 6 months, a year, 5 years?? Would they have fallen in love over time? What if someone else had caught them and he got fired? What if SHE fell in love and went all fatal attraction? What if her husband caught them red handed and had a gun? What if what if what if what if.

That is just one reason why I wish he had ended it first and confessed, because seriously, what if I ignored my gut on that fateful day? He'd be effing her right now.

Teach8 posted 10/7/2013 16:22 PM

So many what ifs I think I am literally killing myself slowly sometimes. I'm trying so hard to stop them.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/7/2013 16:38 PM

Yes!!! Every freaking day!!!

What if he had just told her stop coming onto him and reminded her he was married, bc she knew.

What if he had just told her "no" when she asked for his number after she flirted with him for a week.

What if he had left his Aunts to meet her down the street and instead got into his Envoy and drove home.

What if when they got to the motel room he told her he couldn't do this and left before anything ever happened.

What if he really thought his actions through and realized how terrible his choices would be.

What if he realized how much me and his family meant to him before this "eye opener"

What if he had come to me and talked about the issues instead of her?

What if I could wake up tomorrow and realize this is all just a terrible dream, Ive been in a coma this whole time and its just a nightmare?

The what ifs wont change the facts but they sure do leave me sad and pissed the eff off

mellie99 posted 10/7/2013 16:52 PM


I do and have for years; in fact it's something I'm working on in IC as we speak. I get so worked up about worst case scenarios and where I went wrong that I'm constantly punishing myself and miserable. There are so many things I wish I had done differently over the years, but as we all know woulda, shoulda, coulda gets us nowhere.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 4:53 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

shatteredheart7 posted 10/7/2013 17:06 PM

Every Freaking Day!!!

What if I hadn't of been so caught up in my grief. What if I had talked to him about what I was feeling instead of shutting down. What if I had spent more time with him. What if I had went with him on bowling night. What if I would have checked up on him. What if I would have caught them.

It's never ending, however, what it comes down to is it happened. There is nothing we can do to change that. There is plenty we can do to get our love story back and make sure it never happens again. That is what I TRY to focus on now.

sad34 posted 10/7/2013 17:19 PM

So glad I'm not the only one! Thanks so much everyone.


This is so true

What if I could wake up tomorrow and realize this is all just a terrible dream, Ive been in a coma this whole time and its just a nightmare?

solus sto posted 10/7/2013 18:28 PM

I decided, early on, NOT to focus on what-ifs. It was a good decision.

My husband was never who I thought he was. The biggest What If I have is what if I had never married (or met or gone out with, or gotten back together with him after a breakup at 19, when, in retrospect, he gave me the longest look at who he really was that he did until the terminal d-day, some 30 years later) him?

Contemplating this ...well. It gets me nowhere. I spent over 30 years of my life---really, wasted it---with a man who did not deserve me. Nothing good came from this. My kids? I really believe their souls would be with me no matter who I had children with. I would have had their goodness no matter what.

I can't change that I met him, or went out with him, or stayed with him.

I did all of those things. I can't change a single one of them.

All I can do is try to limit my future regrets by making the best choices I can now.

Dreamland posted 10/7/2013 22:24 PM

Oh my yes... To many. I think I whatif myself to death... Sometimes my whatifs turn into fantasies of whatif I ..... The OW with a bus?? 😬😬😬

sad34 posted 10/8/2013 03:51 AM

Lmao dreamland I needed that laugh

cantaccept posted 10/8/2013 04:23 AM

I "what if" before I even realize I'm "what ifing".

I think it's that deep desire to have some control over any of this.

That one tiny detail that could have changed the whole path of events.

Maybe that's why I am so very cautious now. Knowing how far reaching the tiniest word or action can be.

Ostrich80 posted 10/8/2013 05:16 AM

I remember my sister telling me about 7 yrs ago, when I was telling her how he was changing, "it sounds like he may be having an A". I stupidly said, omg no way, he's not like that. What if I had payed more attention instead of believing him, when he said he was stressed out over other issues that seemed kind of small to me. Maybe I could have stopped it before it he was so enamored with her, when he was just feeling an attraction. They were on the same board for our kids league and I didn't always go to the meetings. Interestingly enough, she resigned when I did start attending regularly. Dammit

Herkemeyer posted 10/8/2013 08:28 AM

I have way too many facts to deal with to get into the "What if" game. My IC sometimes tries to take me down that road.

tushnurse posted 10/8/2013 08:34 AM

Yes I did.

But please all of you. Stop, you can't live a happy full life by focusing on the Whatif's, Coulda Woulda and Soulda's either.

The harsh reality of it, is the WS is a broken individual, and had it not been the perfect storm that let to that infidelity, somethin else would have.

Stop questioning it. It happened. YOU couldn't change it, YOU couldn't prevent it, and YOU certainly are not at fault.

Focus now on the What is right? What is Well? What do I need to be happy, fufilled, and strong? Then set about working to complete those answers.

((((and strength))))

cdagal posted 10/8/2013 12:11 PM

I've been thinking a lot about this (what ifs) lately. Not sure what spurred it - I'm almost 2 years out from the D. I've been in a good place until just recently. Then it hit me. The regrets, the questioning, usually come when other things are not going well. It's a natural human reaction to negativity. It breeds more negativity.
The key is to recognize it for what it is, to ponder it, then to move on. We can't change anything for better or worse, we can only control what we can control and we can only make decisions based on the information we have at the time.
I just found out recently that my BIL has terminal brain cancer. Despite the prognosis or likely because of it, he and my sister are taking each day as it comes. Not many of us know when we are going to leave this earth - don't waste precious time trying to play armchair quarterback. What's done is done. Make each day as good as it can be. Some days will be sh%t, others will be great. IMO Every day you wake up, well, that's starting things on a positive note.

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