So...what if she hadn't been so crazy? What if by some miracle a halfway decent person would have gotten involved with him? Would he have gotten emotionally involved?
He did try to replicate the ego boost without the sex later with a different girl; get what he thought he needed to fill his dark places without the guilt and shame. Didn't work.
Now he finally realizes what was missing; it was in him all along.
I wish I had some magical answer as to how to stop them but I don't. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and have been heard.
Anyone else have what ifs?
What if I had fought about the porn more often? What if I had told him that I thought he was an alcoholic instead of just relaxing after work? What if I had told him that it concerned me that he didn't seem to enjoy sex, that it always seemed like he was just trying to get it done with? What if I had known that he would wake up at 4am to watch porn and masturbate for "a couple hours" before work? What if I had gone with him on the trip he invited me to go to where he ended up hiring a prostitute?
So. Many. What ifs. And I know that I can't change the past as much as he can't change the past. But dammit if I don't think every single day that I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and get him help for this mess that ruled his life for almost 20 years and caused our entire marriage to be missing something that neither of us noticed until it was too late.
That is just one reason why I wish he had ended it first and confessed, because seriously, what if I ignored my gut on that fateful day? He'd be effing her right now.
What if he had just told her stop coming onto him and reminded her he was married, bc she knew.
What if he had just told her "no" when she asked for his number after she flirted with him for a week.
What if he had left his Aunts to meet her down the street and instead got into his Envoy and drove home.
What if when they got to the motel room he told her he couldn't do this and left before anything ever happened.
What if he really thought his actions through and realized how terrible his choices would be.
What if he realized how much me and his family meant to him before this "eye opener"
What if he had come to me and talked about the issues instead of her?
What if I could wake up tomorrow and realize this is all just a terrible dream, Ive been in a coma this whole time and its just a nightmare?
The what ifs wont change the facts but they sure do leave me sad and pissed the eff off
I do and have for years; in fact it's something I'm working on in IC as we speak. I get so worked up about worst case scenarios and where I went wrong that I'm constantly punishing myself and miserable. There are so many things I wish I had done differently over the years, but as we all know woulda, shoulda, coulda gets us nowhere.
[This message edited by mellie99 at 4:53 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
What if I hadn't of been so caught up in my grief. What if I had talked to him about what I was feeling instead of shutting down. What if I had spent more time with him. What if I had went with him on bowling night. What if I would have checked up on him. What if I would have caught them.
It's never ending, however, what it comes down to is it happened. There is nothing we can do to change that. There is plenty we can do to get our love story back and make sure it never happens again. That is what I TRY to focus on now.
This is so true
My husband was never who I thought he was. The biggest What If I have is what if I had never married (or met or gone out with, or gotten back together with him after a breakup at 19, when, in retrospect, he gave me the longest look at who he really was that he did until the terminal d-day, some 30 years later) him?
Contemplating this ...well. It gets me nowhere. I spent over 30 years of my life---really, wasted it---with a man who did not deserve me. Nothing good came from this. My kids? I really believe their souls would be with me no matter who I had children with. I would have had their goodness no matter what.
I can't change that I met him, or went out with him, or stayed with him.
I did all of those things. I can't change a single one of them.
All I can do is try to limit my future regrets by making the best choices I can now.
I think it's that deep desire to have some control over any of this.
That one tiny detail that could have changed the whole path of events.
Maybe that's why I am so very cautious now. Knowing how far reaching the tiniest word or action can be.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
But please all of you. Stop, you can't live a happy full life by focusing on the Whatif's, Coulda Woulda and Soulda's either.
The harsh reality of it, is the WS is a broken individual, and had it not been the perfect storm that let to that infidelity, somethin else would have.
Stop questioning it. It happened. YOU couldn't change it, YOU couldn't prevent it, and YOU certainly are not at fault.
Focus now on the What is right? What is Well? What do I need to be happy, fufilled, and strong? Then set about working to complete those answers.