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TornN2 posted 10/7/2013 13:54 PM

I am not sure of the abbreviations so please see with me. I am currently falling to pieces at work and I need the best advice that a person can give. Let me see. It all started last summer when he met her....They has basically what she calls a relationship for about 5 months with out me know. He spent the summer basically avoiding me but I figured it was due to him not working ect. At the time we had been together for 3 years. I found out about her Oct 3 2012 at 4:23pm...crazy right I remember the date and time. Anyway he was busted cause she video chatted him and he was logged in on my pc while i was away at school. I answered and it unfolded from there. After be freaking out i spoke with her she told me enough to make me sick...I then embarrassed myself and called him he didnt answer she then called him he answered he answered and said " hey babe" my whole heart dropped. i asked him whats going on he told me dont be stupid and i blackout and started bawling. she told me all that had happened the things they did she was sleeping there basically all summer. He then spoke with me and said he wanted to be with me....he fell my surprise he called her as soon as he got up to tell her the same thing. Again my heart began to ache. I ran all the way to NY to try and find out what happened how it happened? I spent my time on the decamp bus crying for the whole 7 hours while he hung up on me constantly. I got there and began to apologize for what?! IDK! He chose yes he chose to stay with me and told her it was over or so I thought....I spent the last year dealing with this and still can't over come the feeling or more on...Only to find out two weeks ago that he saw her this summer and exchanged numbers and began a "friendship" with her..I asked him this and he lied when it first occurred! I found out that they were speaking again for July & August & Sept...for some reason he is maddd at me! Mind you this is the 2nd time he cheated on me! The first time was with his ex! I know i should cutt my losses but being 4 years in its sooo hard! I feel like he doesn't love me cause the amount of betrayal i have endured cause of him is just disheartening. I have really tried to be the best girlfriend someone can want. When he has absolutely nothing I was there no judgement. I just dont know what to do anymore..the fact that he went back and spoke to her #1 behind my back, saving her # as another name, #2 our relationship still is at its worst! why was it so important to apologize to her and make things right with her before me! Where are his priorities. He says he loves me but its hard to believe..... I;ve read books on how to forgive how to move on and for the past four years I've been hearing him say he is gonna change but he hasn't done anything but continue to hurt me and add more to my pain...I feel like I just deserve more.. or at least the truth I have yet to get that..He blames me for everything...and when it comes down it she.....he takes up for her.....and doesn't even realize I crazy...stupid?? I loved him soo hard and now I feel like I am hurting just as hard!

[This message edited by TornN2 at 1:57 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

NoAnswers37 posted 10/7/2013 14:14 PM

Hello Torn,

First things first - you are not crazy or stupid. Not one bit! And his betrayal had NOTHING to do with you or with what you were like as a girlfriend.

For you to be able to forgive him he needs to be remorseful.

But for now, breathe and look after yourself - I'm sure a lot of people here can offer more and better advise, but please do not stop yourself from posting about how you are feeling. We are all here to listen.

Hugs, and I'm so sorry you are hurting.

TornN2 posted 10/7/2013 14:17 PM

Thank you so much NoAnswers37..I am just soo lost right now. I really didn't know where else to turn and I really do appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

silentheart posted 10/7/2013 14:32 PM

Hi TornN2,

I know exactly how you are feeling and I am very sorry for your pain. I actually just found this site yesterday and wish I would have found it back when I discovered my BF had been seeing someone else for 4 years. I found out on August 12th, 2012. I have spent a lot of time on this site yesterday and today just reading through posts and that is my advice to you. Take the time to read through the articles, posts, etc. because the information is extremely helpful and what seems to help most is knowing that you are not alone and that things can get better. I'm very sorry for your pain and hope you get some comfort at this site.

emotionalgirl posted 10/7/2013 14:38 PM

Hi noanswers....please don't beat yourself up. You are not stupid and his affair has nothing to do with you. I understand the pain and reasoning of saying "I have---ursine" I have done that. I have 25 yrs in. From my own experience and from reading here I have come to realize that the Wayward will treat the betrayed as stupid and belittle them as a way to justify their affair.

Please take care of you. If he wants to be with you that badly then it is up to him to prove it by being remorseful and making you feel safe with total transparency etc.

Go to the healing library on the site and read about the 180. It is for us as Betrayed to help us get strong and independant. So many of us out our everything into a relationship and get crumbs back. The 180 is the best thing that I ever did for myself...I feel strong and at peace and though my WS (wayward spouse) and I are reconciling, I know that if that had not been the case I would have been ok...because I am worth more than his crap and so are you! (((Hugs)))

SerJR posted 10/7/2013 14:49 PM


I'm so sorry for what's gone on... but I am glad that you found us.

Of course you feel frustrated and crazy - who wouldn't when your world has been turned upside down and inside out? Be kind to yourself and make sure you take good care of you. You need to be at your best. I would like to tell you one key thing to keep in mind that is critical to surviving this...

Respect yourself.

Respect always, always, always begins with you. You have to respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to. You cannot control him - you are only able to control the choices that you make. Make respect one of them.

You have rights.

As a human being you are entitled to basic rights. One of these is thruth and freedom from abuse. His behaviour neglects both of these facets quite blatantly. His choices are entirely manipulative and selfish.

Respect your rights.

You need to be clear with yourself and clear with him as to what YOU need for YOU to stay in this relationship. You need to be clear what behaviour YOU will not tolerate. You need to be willing to enforce these boundaries. You need to be clear that he is free to make his own choices, and you will make yours. And you must be willing to move forward with YOUR life, one way or another.

I know how terrified and hurt you are. I know that standing up for yourself can be difficult. But nothing that's worth it comes easy in life - you have to be willing to fight for what you believe in. Believe in yourself... you are worth it. Keep faith in yourself and I will promise you one thing....

You're gonna be okay.


TornN2 posted 10/8/2013 09:00 AM

After seeing all these words of encouragement I cried a lot harder to know that there are people that really understand and that maybe there is some light at the end of the dark tunnel that I am in right now. I am really just at a stand still......MY life is truly turned upside down......Yesterday I wrote him a book via text and today I told him that I cannot stay with him with his lack of change and lack of efforts and continuous pain that he has caused me....In the back of my head I am hoping that he will come back to me...but deep down in my heart I know he won't :( and it hurts a lot.... In my heart I feel like I am pushing him right into her arms.....

megs56 posted 10/8/2013 15:33 PM

Hi Torn. Big hugs to you! I am so sorry you are hurting and going through this. This site has been really helpful for me, so I hope you find it helpful as well. As others have said, read other posts on here and read the healing library! Also, IC (individual counseling) has been extremely helpful for me. If you aren't in IC, I would recommend that as well.

You are not crazy or stupid! The one thing I have definitely learned from this site is that the betrayal has nothing to do with you! It might be hard to believe at first, but after I read a lot of posts on here I was able to understand and accept that.

I agree that he needs to show you he is remorseful for you to be able to try to forgive him and reconcile.

You aren't pushing him into her arms. Your actions have nothing to do with his choices. I am glad you told him you can't stay with him unless he puts some effort into changing. I am sorry your life is turned upside down. I understand that feeling and I am thinking about you.

I am pretty new here, so I don't have a lot of advice, but I hope that helps. It looks like you've already gotten a lot of good advice anyways. :)

I also wanted to add that I love your post SerJR! It was exactly what I needed to hear when I read it. I know it wasn't in response to one of my posts, but it helped me a lot. So thank you! It is such a great and helpful post for any new members! :)

Secrets Kept posted 10/9/2013 00:31 AM

Not kids?!?!

Run, Forest, Run!!!

I cannot fathom continuing in a relationship where my "mate" couldn't even be faithful during the courtship. Would you really ever want marriage with someone who has lied & betrayed you a few times??

Marriage is so hard as it is, IMHO, run now, while you can.

If he changes & proves himself, you can reconcile then without having gone through the torture of wondering if they are still seeing each other, if they are still contacting each other behind your back, still sleeping together without you knowing, etc. etc. etc.

Again though.....just my personal opinion from past experience. Don't waste any more years on him!!!

TornN2 posted 10/9/2013 10:09 AM

Ser Jr. you actually made my day got a lot better just hearing someone say or seeing that I will be fine really put a hope in my soul that is like destroyed right now. That quote at the end is what I wake up to as an alarm in the morning. You are totally right about his actions and definitely quoted it and made sure I emphisized that it is a man who wrote those words.

Meg56 thank you so much...your compassion towards me is something that is much needed cause its seems like noone else I interact with on a daily understands my pain. We will be great though...I am really happy i found this site. its feels so good to be able to say everything i feel and not feel judged or feel like i have to bottle it up and deal with it alone.

OMG6886- It seems so obvious trust me daily i wake up put him on the block list but I can't help but wnna know if he is texting me or calling me or actually going to change.. The children part..I have a daughter and my daughters father is a complete and total dead beat! He's been the only father other than my brothers and father in her life that she knows. She adoressss him...out of her 5 years of life he's been there since she was 1 1/2. Its sooo hard i feel like we are separating the little family we have built...:( You've made such a great point though.. I can't imagine being with someone or marrying someone who can't stay faithful before marriage. But its so hard to erase the future that you told yourself that you were going to have with someone.. I am struggling between two things...well more than too minus sturggling with my feelings and how i should be feeling I am struggling with that that feeling of I've invested to much time, emotion,love and care into this just to watch it fall apart and do nothing about it. Then I am struggling with figuring out if I leave today how will I cope if they end up together?! Your personal experience is something that I need to learn from and take your advice on it..its just soo hard..Please can you write me a private message to find a way to make this decision and really move forward cause when i want to i end up falling back into the spineless person he has created with tears and heart ache.

TornN2 posted 10/9/2013 10:09 AM

Should I be over this all by now? Am I holding on to the past?

SerJR posted 10/9/2013 15:20 PM

Should I be over this all by now? Am I holding on to the past?

You move at your own time, and you do what's best for you, given what you have to deal with.

At the same time, think about where you want to move to. Having a goal in mind acts as a beacon to light your way even in the muddiest of waters.

Remember, you always have a choice. You may not have control over the situation, but you have control to move forward from the situation so that you do not passively endure mistreatment.

A relationship is the function of what you have put into it. The more you put into it, the more you will value it, and the more difficult it is to let go. How long it takes to "get over it" is a very individual and personal thing. If you are familiar with the stages of grief (denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance) you will find that you will experience something very similar (although it is not always a smooth "curve" but has more bumping and bouncing around).

As long as you commit to taking care of yourself, your needs, and your boundaries, you will progress with your healing journey.
Sometimes you may plateau for a bit... but that gives youthe chance to rest up.
Sometimes you may backtrack... but that gives you the chance to find a better path.
And sometimes you may stumble... but that gives you the chance to prove you can stand up again.
But... if you can keep your eye on the summit you will get there... and the view will be liberating once you reach it.

megs56 posted 10/9/2013 18:30 PM

Torn - Awe thank you for your sweet response! Yes, we will be great! I definitely understand your pain, as does everyone else on this site. I agree that this site is great because it gives you a safe place to say all of your feelings!

Should I be over this all by now? Am I holding on to the past?

It sounds like your boyfriend isn't doing anything to help you heal and get over this (given the quotes below). I am so sorry! I wish I could give you a big hug.

I've been hearing him say he is gonna change but he hasn't done anything but continue to hurt me and add more to my pain..

He blames me for everything

Take care of yourself torn!

[This message edited by megs56 at 6:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

megs56 posted 10/9/2013 18:32 PM

SerJR - Wow. You always have the best responses and they really resonate with me. Just wanted to add that after I read your last response. :)

SerJR posted 10/9/2013 18:35 PM

t/j - glad to help megs :) -end t/j

TornN2 posted 10/11/2013 10:18 AM

Ser Jr. Thank you soo much for all of your words! I swear it is what is getting me through and getting me to start to really get myself back together. I've really been taking the time for myself for these past couple of days...I decided to leave my computer and phone away to just have a day to really reflect and think about everything. I am starting to stand up for myself and I did so before I isolated myself for a while. I sent him an email with my thoughts feelings how he is wrong and that I wont allow him to take advantage of my weakness and feelings at this moment cause at the end of the day when I am damaged and unhealthy he will be fine finding happiness in another person. I now come first and I am going to start taking charge of what happens to me instead of letting him regulate and control my reactions and feelings! I wrote up a contract exactly of what I expect out of any relationship not just with him but period what I expect from my partner. And I plan to stick to it. I told him that I am focused on me now and he had two options to either change and show me change with no complaints and be understanding or cut our losses and go cause I cannot do this anymore.. I haven't been anywhere near communication for the past day and a 1/2 so we will see but i am feeling better I feel like i can function. it crosses my mind all the time but i dont feel like staying in my bed all day and crying especially since I took the entire day yesterday to get all my tears out.

Meg- Thank you so much you are also someone who is helping me thru this ordeal knowing that you and see where I am coming from really helps me feel better I dont feel super crazy. Your virtual hugs are a warm embrace I'm needing so thank you! I am trying to focus on me for sure. Ive been draining myself alone trying to fix what I didn't even break and ruin so I need to step back and take a look at whats really going on. I really do believe if he wants to be here he will do what he needs to do to fix this and make it right. It just really hurts cause I am hurting and its like he thinks is a joke or what he says " I like having this to hold over his head it makes me feel good to bring it up" my response is like " really I enjoy talking about how you hurt me and betrayed me!" I gave him his area to make his own choices and I am going to start making mine..Easier said then done but with a great forum like this I really believe I can start healing with or without his help and support.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/11/2013 16:03 PM

Torn- I just want to say bravo. Remember the pride you feel when you take a stand. You are worth so much more than he has made you feel.
I wish you peace and strength.

SerJR posted 10/11/2013 17:13 PM

I swear it is what is getting me through and getting me to start to really get myself back together.

Nope. It's you. It's all you. And it's been in there all along. Day by day, step by step... you will find the peace and serenity that you seek. I'm proud of you. Stay true to yourself.

megs56 posted 10/11/2013 17:48 PM

Torn - I am so glad that I am able to help you a little bit through this ordeal! I would never want anyone to have to go through this, but I am happy to help as much as I can when someone is. I am very happy to hear that you are trying to focus on yourself. You are stronger than you know! I'm proud of you that you are going to start making your own choices! Even though it won't be easy, I know you can start healing. This forum is very helpful as you said. We are all here to support you and help you heal. I hope you do get support from him, but if you don't, then at least you know the truth now that he isn't willing to support you and you have the forum to help you. It already sounds like you are stronger and doing better. If he wants to be with you and he is truly remorseful, he will do everything in his power to help heal you and make you feel better. I understand your situation. My boyfriend has not been very supportive or really made an effort to help me heal until this week. So I empathize. Take care hun! You're in my thoughts. You can private message me anytime if you want as well.

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