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Ever feel like all the blame is on you? Especially as OW

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cs2384 posted 10/7/2013 14:12 PM

So a couple of months ago I heard from the OM BW. It was heart wrenching. Telling me how much I ruined her life and how scarred her children all are because of me. Accused me and my husband of lying about me ever having sex with her husband because the OM insists my husband doctored the text messages and her husband wouldn't do anything like that. So now I not only have the guilt of what I've don't to my family but also what I've done to her family. But a part of me doesn't want to take that on. Her husband is just as guilty as I. I never seduced him. I don't dress slutty, I don't flirt. In fact it's taken me until after the affair to acknowledge that maybe I am a beautiful woman. I never thought I was. I am, however, a very broken person who was looking for acceptance and thought I found it in the OM. Then the more i found out about the OM the more I realized how much I had traded for so little. OM confessed to me that I was not his first affair. The way he would talk about his wife was terrible. And any time he would complain about her not meeting his needs I would start to kind if think, no kidding, you're a jerk to her.

So I guess I'm just trying to get the guilt off my chest. I can't undo what I've done. I told the BW that I would show my remorse by staying out of her life forever. I also told her I would answer any questions she had but other than that--it was on her terms. My husband also contacted her from his work email, so she knows it's not from me, saying HE will let her know if he ever finds that I've broken NC--if she desires.

So I have so much guilt for what I've done to this family, there is nothing more I can do, but I have my own family to worry about. So why can't I shake this?

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/7/2013 14:22 PM

I don't have much in the way of advice for you CS. Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard.

My wife was contacted by her AP's wife. It wasn't easy for her.

It sounds like you and your husband are handling the NC well. Give them space, give them privacy. You can't fix them. Yes you contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but you can't fix that. You can only work on fixing you and your marriage. That is where the focus needs to be.

Hisbunnyonly posted 10/7/2013 14:24 PM

My situation was a little different, my AP was in the process of a divorce and had moved out before the A even started but after it ended and word got around the department (my BH and AP are both police officers for the same department) it got back to his STBX and she called me up multiple times telling me everything under the sun. was following me to my house, tried to run me off the road. It got to the point that my BH actually had to take it upon himself to contact her and tell her that he understands what she is feeling b/c he is feeling the same, but that if he can man up and work with her STBX everyday knowing what he did, that she had NO reason to be following me and whatnot. He also blocked her number from our cell phone accounts and I blocked her on facebook. He told her if she wanted to know anything about the A she could contact him. if she wanted to talk to me, she could call his phone and he would give me the phone but that there were two parties in this A and that we both should be “for lack of better words” dealing with our shit at home and not with each other.

Like I said my situation was a little different b/c BH didn’t exactly agree that it was any of her business or that I was to blame for any of their issues, as they had already filed for divorce and were just waiting on the 90 days to be up.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/7/2013 14:40 PM

Don't shake it. Feel it, process it, work through it and move on. You do share guilt for hurting OBS's family! Own that, take responsibility for it, and stop having your "who was a worse human being" contest. Just because your AP (OM usually means "the POS my WW was screwing," from the BH your post was a little confusing) had multiple As and is an asshole, doesn't automatically make you superior. Choosing to apologize, recover and heal, however, does IMO!

It's unfortunate for the OBS that she still believes your AP's lies, but that's their problem. You and BH did the right thing informing her and providing proof. Hopefully she'll ultimately transition from shock and denial to acceptance and anger, but that's not for you to worry about. Let it go. Feeling guilt over the pain you helped cause AP's family, though, that's healthy. It shows you have a conscience.

rachelc posted 10/7/2013 14:43 PM

this is just one of those "Can't foresee the consequences" things that happens when one has an affair.

I'd sit there and take it. I did. although the BW was nice about it. Get this behind you and then put your energy where you need to = your marriage.

She just needed you to listen, not necessarily take that all on...

TrustGone posted 10/7/2013 14:53 PM

I can understand why you feel like everyone is blaming you for the A. Unfortunately it comes with the hurt and pain that comes from infidelity, not only for the BS, but also the WS.

You have done all you can do at this point to inform the OBS and that's all you can do. It is up to her to deal with her WH now. He is just as much to blame as you are. It is now your job to heal yourself, your marriage, and your BH. That is enough of a job that you don't need to also concern yourself with the OBS. You have agreed to NC and that is truely all you can do for her. Now you need to put your thoughts and effort where it belongs.

As a BW, I was greatful at first that the AP contacted me and informed me about the A and answered some of my questions. Only after she continued the A and attempting to contact me and my WH#2 did I become angry with her and her attempts to break up my marriage and family. I basically just wanted her to go away and leave us alone.

I hope that helps a little with how you are feeling right now. I was an OW about 30yrs ago to BGF and I remember how quilty I felt after the fact, but I never contacted her and never broke NC with her WBF. I had my own life to get in order and it was his part to save or break his relationship with his BGF. I still feel guilty all these years later for the pain I caused someone I didn't even know, but I did what I thought was right and I don't regret how I handled it now. (((HUGS)))

cs2384 posted 10/7/2013 15:02 PM

I just wanted to say thank you for all the replies so far. I'm pondering them and hopefully will be able to add something soon.

TheClimb posted 10/7/2013 15:11 PM

I told the BW that I would show my remorse by staying out of her life forever.

As a BS, I think this is the only thing you can do for her and her children now. The OW in my case continues to show up at events that we attend, even though she has been living with someone else for almost four years now. Just last Friday, she approached my sister at a seminar and said "hello"! I believe because she has moved on and is super happy with her new man she believes we should all be "ok" now. This will never happen.

I cannot imagine worrying about your own family while also feeling this guilt. I believe the guilt shows you have deep remorse for the pain you caused an innocent woman and her family. It shows you have empathy for her even though she chose to believe her husband over you. I think you are going to be ok. Keep the focus on your family and let her take care of hers. Eventually, you will be able to let this go.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/7/2013 17:08 PM

It will take time to work through it. I accidentally on purpose outed my xAP to his BW....he told me he told her so I waited a few days and then contacted her to apologize again that point I wanted to believe that he had told her, but knew it wasn't very likely...turns out I was right.

She didn't believe me anyway and he convinced her I was lying and trying to blackmail him...I still don't know all the lies he told her but I don't care anymore.

I think she was afraid to believe me and it's easier to deny it,and it's easier for her to think of me as the aggressive slut who seduced her innocent husband.

I would recommend writing her a letter but don't send it...just write it for yourself. After every thing happened I had a lot of anger towards my xap (and am still trying to work through it) so I wrote him a letter and it did make me feel better...

I hope it gets better for you!

StrongerOne posted 10/8/2013 07:43 AM

CS2384, it's *good* that you feel guilt for hurting both your family and hers, because you have hurt them. If you did not feel guilty, that would be the real problem.

I don't mean the guilt should consume you, but I think it will help you understand your responsibility, and is a sign of remorse. Telling her was the right thing to do, and leaving her (and her family) alone is as well.

You can't shake it, yet, because it's a big hurt. And I guess that although you may come to understand and forgive yourself, you may always feel remorse...and again, that's a good thing.

Strength to you to continue doing what is right.

heartache101 posted 10/9/2013 07:43 AM

You share 50% of the blame.
We are all humans we make bad decisions and bad choices in life. What makes us better people is what we do after those bad decisions and bad choices.
So yes you own what you did and move on to a positive life. You can not move forward if you keep living in the past.

Dreamland posted 10/12/2013 11:42 AM

As a BS you do owe her an apology. An affair involves two people and you own 50% of the fault against your family and her family. I am very hard against women that choose to have affairs with married men. I believe we women should stick together. You have broken that bond of womanhood and the OM BW is hurting because you did that. Her husband did break the trust in the marriage but you empowered him by participating and this you carry the burden.
Stand up and take charge of your transgressions. Embrace the sisterhood. She might be angry and hate you but you aided in her destroyed life.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/12/2013 13:19 PM

Dreamland, I'm sensing from your post (and signature) that you're very angry toward the OW in your sitch. It must be terribly painful, and I hope you are as hard on MM as you are on OW, because all WS's have broken the bond of *humanity* regardless of gender, haven't we?

cs2384 I've been curious about your reaction to the replies here. Any thoughts?

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