Topic: Triggered during sex! Help!
Member # 40619
| Posted: 2:39 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
So we were being intimate last night and I triggered badly. He was rubbing my boobs and said they look so good now that I've lost 27 lbs since DD1. He has NEVER been into boobs, always been a butt guy. Never has been interested in playing with them or compliments on them or anything. I triggered bc the 2 girls he had EAs with sent him a topless picture of themselves which I saw when I discovered the texts/emails. I just felt a crushing pain in my chest and it completely killed any desire I had at the moment. It took everything in me not to cry and to try to keep going. I don't think he noticed at all bc he was so into it. Afterwards he held me and passed out while I stayed awake for hours feeling so heartbroken wondering if he was into them bc of those other girls or bc they are smaller and perkier now. Felt so heartbroken wondering if I'm ever going to stop feeling like this.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 24786
| Posted: 2:47 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
It might help you to talk this through with your FWH.
For me- I triggered a lot in the early days but struggled to fight past those so would just stop. ( I have to admit we didn't have sex for over a year post Dday as I just couldn't).
Don't compare yourself to the OW as you're more than a pair of boobs. Please keep posting. This hurt will pass.
BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†
Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 33226
| Posted: 4:11 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
((((Avagabor)))) I'm so sorry, honey. Are you able to talk to him about you triggering? If you leave it unsaid, it can be triggered over and over again by him inadvertently, and I'd hate for you to go through that pain again.
You can call me NIK
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Posts: 28977 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 40753
| Posted: 5:17 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
Oh man I know this feeling! I hate it for you, I wish I could take it away
My WH has always been an ass and boob guy. I have large sized of both, he was always so into everything about me. Still seems to be even during and after the A. I lost close to 30lbs since I found out August 9. So naturally everything is smaller. He told me that OW had everything the same size as me except maybe a smaller butt. He assured me that he hated it bc he likes me to have a big butt.
So one night a few weeks ago were fooling around, Im on top, he grabs my butt. Then he says, "yeah I like it a little smaller, I can grab it all now"....i hit the breaks, stopped what I was doing and just said "really?" and got off of him.
He didnt understand why I was so upset until I told him, then he was like "Omg! Thats NOT what I meant, it was just that we has just started talking about it then started fooling around" Still hurt though.
Im so sorry Avagabor
Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head
Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 31229
| Posted: 5:40 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
When you trigger like that, you need to talk it through with him. If you don't, that silent suffering will lead to resentment. And if he was not able to tell that you were not in it, it sounds like he's not a very good lover - or you are a super good faker. Either way, something's gotta give for you guys to move forward in any productive way.
Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Posts: 1270 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 39803
| Posted: 8:24 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
I had a thread onthis theme over in Reconcilliation about "mind movies during intimacy." People gave some good advice; check it out.
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
Posts: 2497 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40488
| Posted: 10:44 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013|
Oh.. So so sorry...,😧....
I can relate... She was petite and skinny compared to me.. I have a stomach I never was skinny... I had gained weight 80 lbs after my D was born lost it over a couple of years got back to my dancing ...then had an injury that eventually had me doing nothing fast forward a coulee of years I was back up to preg weight.. Before the A my doc was sweet and said I had to make a change. WH was a runner but I could never run. He never tried to help. So me and some work girlfriends started walking after lunch. I started feeling better and then decided to do the HCG diet. Lost 40 pounds quickly and started walking more at the park and was cooking fresh for the family every nite. He always was late or something but he loved that I was cooking again.. And then boom I found out about the A... I was devastated. I lost another 40 pounds... So I couldn't eat couldn't sleep and was working 60 hour weeks. And then I was so stressed and never wanted to go home I started running.. So now work has slowed.. I have no energy and no desire to cook or do anything for him.. I still run. So I'm still not skinny.. Lots of loose skin.
She of course is better.. 25 years younger.. Tight perky skinnier and tiny
So I get major triggers during sex..when he says anything about my body. Even touching my stomach or deflated boobs I just freeze. Sometime I can continue other times I throw up..
He used to tell me early in our relationship how he loved me the way I was... I felt better about myself when I was far because before I felt he did love me even if I was fat..
Nope so wrong. That has been the biggest blow for me.. My self esteem is shit..
Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore
Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40674
| Posted: 1:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013|
I triggered during sex last night too. That's happened before and I've ignored it and cried afterwards while he was in a post coital haze. Not doing that again
Last night I stopped him and told him how I felt. Unless he's at a point of no return it does no harm to interrupt them. He listened and reassured me. We cuddled for a bit and then both wanted to get back to it. And I felt much much better after than I would have had I gone with it
Talk to him. It's the least you deserve
Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Member # 34319
| Posted: 1:26 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013|
Talk to him now about what happened. Then in the future, stop and share when you are triggered. It will get you through it, rather than stuffing it inside and having it grow. You can't get around it. You have to go through it or it will eat you eat up one way or another.
This may sound goofy, but consider picking a code word- any thing- apple or dinosaur or whatever- to signal that you are triggering during sex. I have heard from some couples who use a word to halt or redirect intimacy. Just a thought.
We usually have lights on. also WH senses when I am triggering and will focus on me and check if I am ok. It gets better with time, but sometimes still comes back at me.
This stuff is tough. Hang in there. And enjoy your new figure. Might as well be some benefits to all this...
D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 38541
| Posted: 4:39 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013|
I triggered over the weekend and I have before on other occasions as well. My advice is to stop making love and share your feelings with your partner. I dont think there is anything sadder than making love to someone when you are sad or trying not to cry.
Personally, for me it is important for my FWF to know when and how I am being affected. Then it truly is up to him to be patient and loving while I work through it.
Avagabor, I think that even though the moment has passed you should share your feelings with your WH.
I am sorry you had a tough night.
Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 21101
| Posted: 8:43 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013|
(((ava))) Love your user name btw.
You need to sit down and talk this out. Do NOT just let this go, and think you will "get over it" . Part of all our issues is communication. You need to talk with him when you are not in an intimate setting, letting him know what happened, and how you handled it, then together you need an agreed plan of how to deal with triggers during. Plus you need to speak up, and let him know what feels good, during, and encourage the things that are good that don't make you trigger while being intimate. As you both heal, the triggers will be less. But just gritting your teeth to get through will only hurt you, as you have seen already. No one gets a gold star for suffering through a trigger alone.
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 9297 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 40619
| Posted: 7:51 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013|
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and support on this. We went out on a date yesterday and ended up getting some drinks at the end of the night which helped loosen my tongue. I have a hard time with confrontation which is going to make R harder but it's something I need to work on. I brought up this issue to him and he felt horrible, said it had nothing to do with the other girls, he never thinks about them any more bc they disgust him. Said he just feels so much more engaged and close to me now, he's starting to realize what he had in front of him all along and appreciates everything about me now. I also let him know a few other things that have been bothering me and some things I need from him. He answered all of my questions and promised he would do whatever he could to help me heal. He said he feels more in love with me than ever and closer to me than we've been in years. Why did it take something so horrible for him to realize all this?!?
Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
|Topic Posts: 12|