SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Especially from the men - my youngest son is 29 and dating a D woman who is 30 with a 6 year old son.

They have been dating over a year and he has been living with her and her son for about 5 months (I know they moved too fast). For most of the time they have lived together, my son has worked 2nd shift - 4:00 pm to 11:00 pm with Friday & Saturday as his days off. He recently moved to a 1st shift job with weekends off so he could experience more family time. He has been working this shift for 3 weeks now.

So this has been the first time that they have lived as a "family." Bio dad is around, but doesn't really see his son much - the boy mostly goes to his paternal grandparents on dad's visitation time. Bio dad is not at all happy about my son moving in.

The boy had a birthday last week and the celebration was last weekend. Mom was trying to make it so that all parties could celebrate at one time. My son invited me & SO and my other son and his family. Then the day before the party, bio dad decided he didn't want my son around. So he, and we, did not attend.

Son's GF has been pushing for an engagement and to have another baby. He has a long range plan that involves making sure they are on firm emotional and financial footing before moving forward with marriage. She thinks he is just stalling.

What does the wisdom of SI have to say?

NL

Wait; the GF planned the kid's party and let the XH dictate who could/could not come to the party?

I doubt your son would listen, but my advice would be slow the fuck down with this one. Actually, my advice would be this is NOT the one for him, but I hope I'm wrong and they can work it out.

Sad - that is my (internal) advice too. But I wasn't asked my opinion, so I have advised him to go slow and not feel pressured into anything.

NL

I agree with Sad in AZ. Having biodad dictate who can and can't come to the birthday party is big red flag. If he has this much influence/jealousy now it isn't going to stop if they get engaged...it's likely to get worse.

Is this his first serious relationship where he lived with a woman? Who asked who to move in?

ETA: I did the same thing when I was in my late 20's and my Mother actually told me it was a bad idea but I didn't listen. Luckily I didn't marry her or get her pregnant and got out of that one relatively unscathed. My picker was still broken though and I married my STBXW years later. My point is tell him how you feel but he is a grown man and sometimes the only way to "gain wisdom" is to go through some painful experiences. Maybe your son's situation will work out for the best but in general "Mom" is usually right. I wish you and your son the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:40 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

It is his 2nd serious relationship with a woman. I don't know who's idea it was to move in. But she was struggling financially and bio dad was contributing very little.

My son has a fairly good paying job and I know that him paying 1/2 the bills has been a big help. My son is actually very good with kids, my older son has 3 that just adore their uncle. And the gf's boy loves him too.

My son has been pretty cool about not stepping on bio dad's toes, but I think this situation went a bit far.

edited to add: Yes I know very well that being too opinionated about this will not do one bit of good. And I don't want to alienate gf in case she ends up being my DIL.

NL

[This message edited by Newlease at 3:41 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Sounds a little to me like your DS's gf has your son pegged for the giving type and may be using him to make her life more "comfortable". Not saying she is an evil person but your DS is the one sacrificing for the relationship and his now live-in gf is pulling the strings.

Time for DS to slow down and really think about this. He obviously has a decent head on his shoulders if he wants to be financially and emotionally ready before marrying. I just hope the gf doesn't guilt him into being more responsible than he has to be for her son as well as getting married before he's ready.

Lots of red flags....BTDT.

I hope to hell he's using birth control and not depending on her.

They need some couples counseling before they get married to make sure that they are on the same page. If they are not, he needs to scale it back and move out.

Have you talked to your son about his thoughts on this? Was the party at your son's house? There is the possibility that his GF, after talking with her XH, was worried the X could ruin the child's birthday party, if he didn't get his childish way.

I'm a single mom, with five children. I've learned by trial and error. I will do whatever I can to prevent my children being hurt. Even if that means sucking it up, and having my XH get his way.

If I was in this situation, I may have done the same exact thing. But it would have been done because my son was excited that his daddy was coming to his party. I may have caved and asked my BF to celebrate later with us, and at the same time learned to NEVER invite the child's dad to another event.

Even when I want to kick my XH out the door, never speak to him again, and take his rights as a father away... I can't. He's my children's father. And the kids didn't ask to be in this position. Us adults have to be the strong ones, and while we feel like we're caving to some other person's controlling crud, the reality is sometimes all we are doing is trying to make life easier for our children.

This is just another perspective . It may be completely different with your son's situation.

I realize she is only 30, but I think the "one big happy family" scenario after the relationship has ended is wishful thinking. If they all got along that well, they would still be together.

I, like you, see an awful lot of reasons to slow this way down and not do anything rash. I get the sense that this arrangement is mainly for her benefit, and while he may enjoy it and her, it's probably not what he truly wants deep down. Encourage him to pursue what he thinks is best and right for himself.

Frankly, I have issues with a woman who dates a man for a little over half a year and lets him move in with her impressionable child. My kids were a lot older, and they were still very bothered by their dad moving in with a woman and bothered more by her moving out. Too much disruption.

Cat

It's time for DS to have a heart to heart with the GF. She gets to choose whether she wants to create a new family with DS (her + your DS + stepchild) or the other option (her + DS + Ex Bio Dad). She can't have it both ways. Time for 2 separate celebrations for 2 families or DS needs to make the hard decision to end it now before the kid becomes so much more attached.

Unless your son was the OM, which it doesn't sound like he was, this mostly uninvolved father has no business saying that your son not be involved in family functions. In my opinion, if everyone caters to biodad now, they will be setting a precedence, and he will always feel that he can dictate what goes on.