They have been dating over a year and he has been living with her and her son for about 5 months (I know they moved too fast). For most of the time they have lived together, my son has worked 2nd shift - 4:00 pm to 11:00 pm with Friday & Saturday as his days off. He recently moved to a 1st shift job with weekends off so he could experience more family time. He has been working this shift for 3 weeks now.
So this has been the first time that they have lived as a "family." Bio dad is around, but doesn't really see his son much - the boy mostly goes to his paternal grandparents on dad's visitation time. Bio dad is not at all happy about my son moving in.
The boy had a birthday last week and the celebration was last weekend. Mom was trying to make it so that all parties could celebrate at one time. My son invited me & SO and my other son and his family. Then the day before the party, bio dad decided he didn't want my son around. So he, and we, did not attend.
Son's GF has been pushing for an engagement and to have another baby. He has a long range plan that involves making sure they are on firm emotional and financial footing before moving forward with marriage. She thinks he is just stalling.
What does the wisdom of SI have to say?
NL
I doubt your son would listen, but my advice would be slow the fuck down with this one. Actually, my advice would be this is NOT the one for him, but I hope I'm wrong and they can work it out.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62 Him: WXH-62 D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI) S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Is this his first serious relationship where he lived with a woman? Who asked who to move in?
ETA: I did the same thing when I was in my late 20's and my Mother actually told me it was a bad idea but I didn't listen. Luckily I didn't marry her or get her pregnant and got out of that one relatively unscathed. My picker was still broken though and I married my STBXW years later. My point is tell him how you feel but he is a grown man and sometimes the only way to "gain wisdom" is to go through some painful experiences. Maybe your son's situation will work out for the best but in general "Mom" is usually right. I wish you and your son the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:40 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
My son has a fairly good paying job and I know that him paying 1/2 the bills has been a big help. My son is actually very good with kids, my older son has 3 that just adore their uncle. And the gf's boy loves him too.
My son has been pretty cool about not stepping on bio dad's toes, but I think this situation went a bit far.
edited to add: Yes I know very well that being too opinionated about this will not do one bit of good. And I don't want to alienate gf in case she ends up being my DIL.
[This message edited by Newlease at 3:41 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
Time for DS to slow down and really think about this. He obviously has a decent head on his shoulders if he wants to be financially and emotionally ready before marrying. I just hope the gf doesn't guilt him into being more responsible than he has to be for her son as well as getting married before he's ready.
Lots of red flags....BTDT.
They need some couples counseling before they get married to make sure that they are on the same page. If they are not, he needs to scale it back and move out.
I'm a single mom, with five children. I've learned by trial and error. I will do whatever I can to prevent my children being hurt. Even if that means sucking it up, and having my XH get his way.
If I was in this situation, I may have done the same exact thing. But it would have been done because my son was excited that his daddy was coming to his party. I may have caved and asked my BF to celebrate later with us, and at the same time learned to NEVER invite the child's dad to another event.
Even when I want to kick my XH out the door, never speak to him again, and take his rights as a father away... I can't. He's my children's father. And the kids didn't ask to be in this position. Us adults have to be the strong ones, and while we feel like we're caving to some other person's controlling crud, the reality is sometimes all we are doing is trying to make life easier for our children.
This is just another perspective . It may be completely different with your son's situation.
I, like you, see an awful lot of reasons to slow this way down and not do anything rash. I get the sense that this arrangement is mainly for her benefit, and while he may enjoy it and her, it's probably not what he truly wants deep down. Encourage him to pursue what he thinks is best and right for himself.
Frankly, I have issues with a woman who dates a man for a little over half a year and lets him move in with her impressionable child. My kids were a lot older, and they were still very bothered by their dad moving in with a woman and bothered more by her moving out. Too much disruption.
Cat
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Life's good.
