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Newest Member: Questiounanswere (45696)

User Topic: surrendering to 'he will always do this'
GrowingPains
♀ 18323
Member # 18323
Sad  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's been 6 years since my WH's first affair. Since then he has broken our boundaries three more times - 'flirty friendships' usually through facebook. We've agreed to boundaries, no texting women or going on dates. (duh)

Just over a year ago he went for a coffee with a woman he met that he felt 'a strong connection' with. She thought they were being friends, on the coffee date she learned he was hiding the coffee from me - she called it off. (Thank god for some people's integrity.) We went through a 3rd round of MC.

All has been well for another year or so and, totally innocently, I happened upon his facebook messages. I see a woman I've never met at the top of the list and pop it open. The bottom message ended with 'sweet dreams'. So of course I read it all.

In the message he professes how he feels a connection with her and wants to go for a bike ride with her... and he suggests getting "together to discuss her 'passions" :) "

Obviously a total pickup.

I'm so furious. He swears that it was innocent and that he never intended to go for a bike ride alone with her (says he would have taken a guy friend). And she teaches a program called Passion which is a leadership course for high school kids. So he was just being funny, right?

This is the 5th time I've discovered inappropriate emails/messages with women. He says it was unconscious and he doesn't want to hurt me. He didn't realize that he was inappropriate or else he would have deleted the messages. This doesn't make me feel better - that means he cannot control himself. Like an alcoholic for female attention?

I'm really struggling. He's a good father and I don't want to tear our family and home apart. Right now I just feel numb. He has such a strong need for external validation that I don't think he'll ever 'recover' - I think my choice is to leave, or stay and accept that this crap will happen every year or so... until the kids are gone and then I will leave.

I know he loves me but it's just not enough.

I would love any insight on this or comments.


Me BS 38 : WH 41
Parents of 2 beautiful children...

D Day 1 - Dec,2007, on a rocky road of reconciliation for 6 years with boundaries broken repeatedly.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Feb 2008
Edie
♀ 26133
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've agreed to boundaries, no texting women or going on dates. (duh)

Doesn't sound like he agreed at all.

And sounds like he needs to know you're serious and that you respect agreements, as well as yourself.

Hugs


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5143 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry GrowingPains .

When he chooses to have these contacts with other women, it has nothing to do with him wanting or not wanting to hurt you. His actions are purely selfish.

The choices you have are pretty crappy as far as choices go. You're correct, if you stay, and there are no consequences, he will continue to do this. I know you don't want to tear your family apart, but his actions are tearing YOU apart, and aren't you an integral part of the family? How can your family be whole when you're torn apart?

If you decide to stay until the kids are older, please at the very least seek help to find ways to cope until you feel it's time to leave.

There's no easy choices here , and only you can make them. Whatever they are, you know SI will be here to help you through it.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14866 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Edie
♀ 26133
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adding: maybe my points are more about you respecting yourself. I am sorry he won't.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5143 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't learned anything, clearly. I'm so sorry.
With him, I would recommend that you:
Kick him & his clothes to the curb for a bit.
Speak to an attorney and find out your rights & how to protect yourself and kids.
Open your own account, and fund it well.
Some men (& women) need a huge dose of reality to realize what the cost of their actions are going to be. He feels that you will be there no matter how he behaves. If that is true, you are in for a lifetime of this, so make sure this is how you are prepared to live.
I think, probably not. So, time to get tough. He has NO boundaries.

You've taken him back or slapped his hands 5 times now. What is your limit? What does this teach your children? He needs to feel the wrath of you to get this through his fat head. Reality is hard, fantasy is just that, and he needs to feel his reality, yesterday. Do not back down on this. Married people don't get "special friends". He cares nothing for your feelings.

Unfortunately, I would also recommend that you be tested for STD's.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your pain.

You are getting good advice. I would also add IC, both for you, and your H if he is serious about being a "family man". I suspect he has some serious issues.

Best of luck to you.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! See a therapist then a lawyer.
Put forth action that will bring you the end result that will give you peace.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my choice is to leave, or stay and accept that this crap will happen

I agree. I think these are your only two options at this point.

Do you not think he will be a good father if you leave?


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would do as fourever says. At the least, no MC this time. Dude needs IC. I think you do, too - the choice you have to make is difficult and IC can help. No way can the two of you build any foundation in MC when the individuals aren't ready.

Think of what this is doing to your health, GP. This constant low-level stress with peaks of high-level stress pretty much yearly on average...that stuff kills. At best, it ruins your long-term health. I know you care about your kids and you probably want an intact family. But you - YOU - are the most important person. Don't sacrifice your health and well-being. Your kids need that.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please just ask yourself...what kind of person what you become if you "accepted" this? What would that do to you on the inside? I suspect not very good things.
And I don't want to overstep a boundary here...but- if you became that type of person (whatever accepting this turns you into)- how does that effect you as a mom?
You are concerned that he is "such a good father." Is he though? Is he teaching his children how to respect others? Is he teaching them how to treat those that are good to us with love and respect? Is he teaching them to respect you above all else?
Sometimes outward appearances may show that he is doing the right thing...but when you get down to it, is he being a good role model for them?
If you have a son, do you want your son to believe that it is okay to treat his partner this way?
And if you have a daughter, do you want her to allow her partner to treat her that way?
Would you wish this pain on your children?
Again- my apologies for crossing a line, but these are things that I had to consider myself.
I wish you strength and peace.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of work is he doing on himself?

Sounds like his boundaries are nonexistent.

Keeping this on me, I realized, a few months ago, that I didn't even know what boundaries were.
I thought I did. I posted here, talked with close friends, my IC, and my BS. I have a better idea now. I wouldn't say I'm perfect (always a work in progress), but I've really come a long way.

You've been at this a while, sounds like he has a lot more work to do!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1145 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for what you are going through.

I think my choice is to leave, or stay and accept that this crap will happen every year or so... until the kids are gone and then I will leave.

You nailed it. You may also want to let him know you are preparing to leave because his behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable. If you tell him cool and calmly, it will send a strong message.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5710 | Registered: Aug 2007
sparklezombie
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. WH is a serial cheater with a need for validation.

He's a good father and I don't want to tear our family and home apart.

But this is not right - you aren't the one tearing your family apart. He is. Period.

I would strongly suggest that you see an IC and talk about healthy boundaries. It's much easier said than done - I still struggle with it daily. But if you want to stay in the marriage, get IC and see a lawyer. If he violates your boundaries, stick to your plan. If you don't, he'll continue to walk all over you. I can tell you that from experience. I can't remember how many DD's I've had to be honest. And it's no way to live. You deserve better


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It does seem that those are your only 2 options: leave or accept that your WH is always going to do this.

The fact that he either plays *dumb* or IS so *dumb* that he doesn't even realize that his behavior is inappropriate is scary. However, after 6 years, for him to follow that first nutty statement up with "I would have deleted them" is just 10,000 kinds of wrong.

Laying out boundaries without also having enforceable consequences won't work. You have kids. How effective is it to say "Don't do that, don't do that, stop it, I SAID stop it, knock it off, don't do that, stop it, I REALLY mean it *this* time, quit it", etc....to a kid that is doing something s/he knows isn't suppposed to be done? It's not effective at all. The kid ends up being, like, "there she goes again. What-Ever."

Enforceable, tangible consequences that you follow-up on.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
GrowingPains
♀ 18323
Member # 18323
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the support and feedback. I really appreciate all of it. I do agree there needs to be a consequence.

I don't want to upset the children by kicking him out so I'm looking for another solution.

I have asked him to sign a post-nuptial agreement that says if he betrays me again, we split and I keep our assets. This way the children don't lose their home - they'll be distraught enough if we split, they don't need to lose their home too. I don't think I could cope with losing a spouse and supporting the children while having to sell the house, move, start over completely.

I got the idea from the book, "After the Affair". One WS signed a huge settlement, in the event they ever divorced, to show his intention to reconcile.


Me BS 38 : WH 41
Parents of 2 beautiful children...

D Day 1 - Dec,2007, on a rocky road of reconciliation for 6 years with boundaries broken repeatedly.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Feb 2008
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked him to sign a post-nuptial agreement that says if he betrays me again, we split and I keep our assets.

You need to speak with an attorney about this. Just because he signs it doesn't mean it will stand up in court.


Sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain.

Posts: 13832 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 16

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