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How many of you contacted the OP's spouse?

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Whattodo2012 posted 10/7/2013 15:52 PM

I'm looking for insight/advice as to how to handle telling the OW's husband. Supposedly the same info was given to him but I don't know for sure if he actually received it. I have no concerns breaking the news to him if doesn't already know. I'm cautious because I don't know how he will react. I don't want him to cause a big "earthquake" ....aka threaten, tell everyone, etc while I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing. What have you all done? How did you even go about starting that conversation? And what happened afterwards? Thanks for your insight.

ascian posted 10/7/2013 16:29 PM

In my case, the Other Man spoke with his wife who (wisely, it turned out) contacted me to verify events.

Our situation is complicated, though, since both families were friends before the affair, and I'm not interested in calling him out publicly, at least not right now. (Basically because I don't want a chance of "Oh, look what PTSD made the poor vet do" sympathies for the Other Man, and because I'd rather work on repairing my own relationship right now. There'll be time in the future for the rest.)

My wife and I are working towards reconciliation, and the other woman is working to reconcile her friendship with my wife somewhat as well.

So, I'm sorry that I don't have any direct advice to give. Had my wife's affair been with a stranger, my approach to the OM's wife would have been simple, direct, and sympathetic, with lots of documentation offered.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/7/2013 17:16 PM

I told OM's wife. Sent her an email explaining who I was and what had happened.
The problem was that my wife expected me to tell her, and she warned the OM. He intercepted it and she never got it.

About two weeks later I sent her an email at work asking if she was o.k. or if she wanted any information. OM didn't intercept that one, and she called me back.

be straightforward and compassionate. From reading the boards, I believe that a small minority of BS's don't want to hear the truth, but the majority of what I have read leads me to believe that most BS's are incredibly grateful to find out the truth.

In my case, the OM's wife was very receptive, and it also gave us both peace of mind because we were able to piece together enough information to find out the truth, and to help ensure that NC was truly met.

unfound posted 10/7/2013 17:28 PM

I called the OW's BS on dday. I simply said "my name is unfound. My husband is having an affair with your wife. I have the phone records if you want to see them".

Unfortunately, he did not accept this information gracefully. He was in denial and went so far to tell me (screaming at me) that I was lying, I was crazy, Mr Unfound was lying, etc...

Even though it didn't go like I thought it would, I'm glad I did it. At the time it knocked me on my ass, but I realized that I had done all I could and the rest of up to him.

If I had to do it over again, I'd be more prepared, do it when I was calmer, and be ready for a reaction I might not expect.

When you do, be gentle, focused and have a way to give proof if needed. Give the info and then let go of the outcome.

[This message edited by unfound at 5:29 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/7/2013 17:30 PM

I know I shouldnt have done this, I acted strictly out of anger, but I told not only the OWs fiance but everyone, including her parents on her Facebook friends list.

Even though I know I shouldn't have told so many people I don't regret it bc now all her friends know to watch their husbands around that little tramp. And mommy and daddy know they raised a little whore....not my problem

PreachersWife1 posted 10/7/2013 19:14 PM

Because the OW and her spouse were friends of ours and had been to our house many times, I immediately called him when I had video proof of the affair that was taking place at my ranch. I got his voicemail and simply said, "Hi, just thought you might like to know I caught OW & my husband making out in my barn. I have video if you'd like to see it". Never heard from him so I was curious to know if she intercepted the message. Next day I sent him a text asking if he received my message and all I got back was "Yes, now lose my phone number". Wasn't quite the reaction I expected but nonetheless, I felt he needed to know what a tramp he was married to. Wouldn't have it any other way and if the situation were reversed, I'd want someone to tell me too. You never know how deceitful a person can actually be...and I think it's fair, especially if the OP is married! I don't regret it one bit, even if nothing ever came of it. My feeling is....if OW feels it's OK to wreck my family and my life, I'm willing to return the favor.

[This message edited by PreachersWife1 at 7:15 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 10/8/2013 00:47 AM

It took me about 2 weeks to locate MOW BH telephone #. I called his work number and said,

"Hi XXX, my name is Ridinghealingrd. My H, XXX works with your wife XXX and I wanted to let you know that they have been engaged in an A."

I proceeded to tell him the information that I learned from my WH and shared the emails I had collected off his blackberry.

MOW BH informed me that he was suspicious and had thought about hiring a PI (I wanted to scream, why the hell didn't you?).

He was not pleased but did not get angry with me. He asked that I send him the emails. We never spoke again.

There was never a doubt that I would tell POS MOW BH...I knew on Dday I would be making that call.

sohowamI posted 10/8/2013 03:13 AM

The OW (#5 of 12 years) wouldn't stop contacting my WS even after he had told her that it was over (notwithstanding that he really didn't want it to finish...)

After six weeks of TTing and her further explicit sexual texts to him, my WS asked me to contact her BS and tell him that I knew.

I sent her BS a FB message. He emailed me the following day to tell me that he KNEW. That he had KNOWN from the very beginning. That he FELT for me but that there was no use in any further correspondence between us!

She was incensed that I had contacted her BS, by the way. Blamed ME. Sent an email to my WS that I was 'a fucking insane bitch of a wife...' Charming.

In any event, we haven't heard from her or her BS again but isn't that the weirdest thing? The fact that he actually knew all along (TWELVE YEARS) and did absolutely NOTHING about it!

So my advice: always tell the BS. If they want to be deluded, fine. You are the one who will have some kind of 'closure' on it.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/8/2013 03:23 AM

I would say have some kind of proof and go talk to the person face to face if you can, or call them at work where you KNOW you are talking to them. Do not warn anyone.

We were all friends, so when I called the HOW they had already told him how crazy I had gotten while he had been working off-shore oil for 2 months. All I had was heresay--didn't know about VAR at that time. Months later when I subpoenaed the phone records of WH -- finally the proof I needed, WH's atty had the judge put a restraining order on me prohibiting me from showing the phone records to anyone -- as they were from his company. sigh.

I was hesitant to tell HOW because I thought he would throw her out and my WS and she could be together, so I didn't try to tell him at the beginning. Now, looking back, I should have told him ASAP because while I was deciding what to do, it gave them a couple months to "date" and "try on" the new relationship.

hurtsobadinside posted 10/8/2013 05:43 AM


You must definitely tell the affiar partner's faithful spouse. They have every right to know "whats going on in their marriage"

When my WW said she felt stalked (totally in a fog)on my confrontation day with her, I responded with "So you dont think I have any right to know whats going on in my marriage" becasue I do think i have every right to know what's going on my my marriage?..
after I said that, she didnt say one word..(gave me a deer in headlights look) that stops them in their tracks.

If was my friends @ SI that continued to prompt me to tell my wayward wife's affair partner's faithful wife. and to this day i cannot say thank you enough for that support.

I called AP's wife on the phone (turned off my caller ID on my cell) and called almost 20 times in one day before she finally answered.
I then identified myself, and told her that her husband and my wife were having an affair, and her response was "it doesnt suprise me". calmly too

To this day she thanks me over and over for making that call. She attributs my support to her of trying to repair her marriage in fact she told her wayward husband on several occasions, if it wasnt for me she would have "D" him.

We continued to stay in contact for months watching our wayward's every move until the real NC occurred in July 2012. We do talk occasionally just to see how things are going.

Thats how we knew that NC had not occurred becasue we stayed in contact.

NC did eventually occur (intiated by my WW) and we both are working on our marriages.

Affairs thrive in secrecy, breaking that secrecy will usually stop the affair.
when faithful wife confronted, AP caved in immediately, confessed everything to his faithful wife and threw my WW under the bus, my WW was empotionally involved (just like the books say)and it took longer for her to come out of the "fog".

I am sending you strength to advise the AP's faithful spouse becasue they have every right to know whats going on in their marriage and get thru this mess your broken wayward spouse got you into

I also sent AP's wife several books from amazon. "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass is one of the best as is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old
married 25 yrs
in "R"
and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

HereWeGo62 posted 10/8/2013 06:16 AM

I told the OM's long term girlfriend / Fiance. It took me a little while to find her and she was very thankful. I also told her of two women that were friends of my FWW that also slept with he fiance. She ended up dumping him and I have been on her Christmas card list for the last two years.

People have a right to know what is going on in their lives. Their health and well being is being put at risk by someone that is supposed to love, support, and protect them. Having an A shows a blatent disregard for all three of those qualities.

Please let the BH what his wife has been up to. It is not the easy thing to do but it is the right thing to do.

betrayedme2 posted 10/8/2013 07:41 AM

How I wish someone would have told me without me having to find it on my own. How I wish there would have been another spouse, either to tell me, or for me to tell. If I would have confronted my wife with no evidence, she would have lied, lied, lied. She lied the way it was, but it didn't last long, and the truth came out in pieces after I started pulling at strings. Do the other person a favor and be prepared with your proof. Don't have any expectations on how they react. Just do what your heart tells you to do..... Best wishes!!

summerain posted 10/8/2013 07:43 AM

I did, but it was ignored completely (to my knowledge) she had spun some lie. However the relationship is over (I still stalk her FB every so often).

But my advice is if you're not sure do it anonymously. They do have the right to know, but you must put your well-being first.

toomanyregrets posted 10/8/2013 12:11 PM

In my case, I held off telling the BW. She was pregnant with the OM's 4th child and I did not want to be the one to cause any complications.
And besides, the OM had to tell his BW why he'd been fired.

I was very lucky in that the guy who caught them "in the act" was a friend who called me immediatley.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/8/2013 12:19 PM

Supposedly the same info was given to him but I don't know for sure if he actually received it.

I don't understand this. Who supposedly gave him 'the same information you were given? Do you mean that his wife was supposed to have told her husband the same information your husband told you? Sorry, I'm confused.

iwillNOT posted 10/8/2013 13:24 PM

I messages OW's BH on Facebook right away after dday but never heard back. For a month it haunted me that maybe OW had intercepted my message and he did not know. I could not stand the thought that I knew and maybe he did not. Finally, a month later, I could not take the doubt any longer. I called him at work, identified myself, and let him know I just had to make sure he knew about the affair. He basically told me he had received my Facebook message and had purposely not replied, and that he did not want to talk to me, but that yes he did know about it. Who knows what kind of story OW spun for him, but I tried to talk with him and my conscience is clear.

cluless posted 10/8/2013 13:39 PM

I found OWH on FB and simply said "You're wife is having an affair with my husband, if you'd like to talk about it, here is my phone number " he called me back with her there the next day. I could hear her say "who's that babe?" He said "my name" and I would have given ANYTHING to see her expression

gonecrazy posted 10/8/2013 13:50 PM

I called the OW husband the next day. I felt bad doing it because he was at home dying of cancer. The best thing that came out of it was that within a week he went and changed his will. Leaving the house that had been his family for years to HIS children. Who within 3 months of his passing tossed her out on her ear? Talk about Karma, no home, no money, no job…….!!!

SeanFLA posted 10/8/2013 14:41 PM

Told his wife and then reported him to his employer...The US Military Command...basically his General. He was a Lt. Colonel serving overseas who was on his way home for his son's birth on emergency leave and he and exWW "set up" a nice meeting in Atlanta on his overnight layover. ExWW told me she had an emergency business trip she had to go on...same night as our son's Xmas pageant at his parochial school. I was texting her pictures during it sitting next to my in-laws because I felt so horrible she had to travel during it. I couldn't understand why she was replying to my texts. I was formally interview by his command because he had high clearance. I believe he was forced to resign or court martialed from the Army and I ended his 20 year career. His wife thanked me for calling her. I feel bad for her that her husband lost his job and benefits but F' him.

Whattodo2012 posted 10/8/2013 15:12 PM

Supposedly the same info was given to him but I don't know for sure if he actually received it

Neveragain2013..... How I found out is through an anonymous note. In it, that person said he/she had sent a similar note to the OW's husband. I confronted my WH & he admitted to the affair (I never did tell him how I knew). So I don't know if OW's husband actually received his note or if somehow OW intercepted it. I do know that my WH told the OW that I know.

Thank you all for your responses. I need to just do it now so I can get it off my mind.

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