Our situation is complicated, though, since both families were friends before the affair, and I'm not interested in calling him out publicly, at least not right now. (Basically because I don't want a chance of "Oh, look what PTSD made the poor vet do" sympathies for the Other Man, and because I'd rather work on repairing my own relationship right now. There'll be time in the future for the rest.)
My wife and I are working towards reconciliation, and the other woman is working to reconcile her friendship with my wife somewhat as well.
So, I'm sorry that I don't have any direct advice to give. Had my wife's affair been with a stranger, my approach to the OM's wife would have been simple, direct, and sympathetic, with lots of documentation offered.
About two weeks later I sent her an email at work asking if she was o.k. or if she wanted any information. OM didn't intercept that one, and she called me back.
be straightforward and compassionate. From reading the boards, I believe that a small minority of BS's don't want to hear the truth, but the majority of what I have read leads me to believe that most BS's are incredibly grateful to find out the truth.
In my case, the OM's wife was very receptive, and it also gave us both peace of mind because we were able to piece together enough information to find out the truth, and to help ensure that NC was truly met.
Unfortunately, he did not accept this information gracefully. He was in denial and went so far to tell me (screaming at me) that I was lying, I was crazy, Mr Unfound was lying, etc...
Even though it didn't go like I thought it would, I'm glad I did it. At the time it knocked me on my ass, but I realized that I had done all I could and the rest of up to him.
If I had to do it over again, I'd be more prepared, do it when I was calmer, and be ready for a reaction I might not expect.
When you do, be gentle, focused and have a way to give proof if needed. Give the info and then let go of the outcome.
[This message edited by unfound at 5:29 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
Even though I know I shouldn't have told so many people I don't regret it bc now all her friends know to watch their husbands around that little tramp. And mommy and daddy know they raised a little whore....not my problem
[This message edited by PreachersWife1 at 7:15 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
"Hi XXX, my name is Ridinghealingrd. My H, XXX works with your wife XXX and I wanted to let you know that they have been engaged in an A."
I proceeded to tell him the information that I learned from my WH and shared the emails I had collected off his blackberry.
MOW BH informed me that he was suspicious and had thought about hiring a PI (I wanted to scream, why the hell didn't you?).
He was not pleased but did not get angry with me. He asked that I send him the emails. We never spoke again.
There was never a doubt that I would tell POS MOW BH...I knew on Dday I would be making that call.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
After six weeks of TTing and her further explicit sexual texts to him, my WS asked me to contact her BS and tell him that I knew.
I sent her BS a FB message. He emailed me the following day to tell me that he KNEW. That he had KNOWN from the very beginning. That he FELT for me but that there was no use in any further correspondence between us!
She was incensed that I had contacted her BS, by the way. Blamed ME. Sent an email to my WS that I was 'a fucking insane bitch of a wife...' Charming.
In any event, we haven't heard from her or her BS again but isn't that the weirdest thing? The fact that he actually knew all along (TWELVE YEARS) and did absolutely NOTHING about it!
So my advice: always tell the BS. If they want to be deluded, fine. You are the one who will have some kind of 'closure' on it.
We were all friends, so when I called the HOW they had already told him how crazy I had gotten while he had been working off-shore oil for 2 months. All I had was heresay--didn't know about VAR at that time. Months later when I subpoenaed the phone records of WH -- finally the proof I needed, WH's atty had the judge put a restraining order on me prohibiting me from showing the phone records to anyone -- as they were from his company. sigh.
I was hesitant to tell HOW because I thought he would throw her out and my WS and she could be together, so I didn't try to tell him at the beginning. Now, looking back, I should have told him ASAP because while I was deciding what to do, it gave them a couple months to "date" and "try on" the new relationship.
You must definitely tell the affiar partner's faithful spouse. They have every right to know "whats going on in their marriage"
When my WW said she felt stalked (totally in a fog)on my confrontation day with her, I responded with "So you dont think I have any right to know whats going on in my marriage" becasue I do think i have every right to know what's going on my my marriage?..
after I said that, she didnt say one word..(gave me a deer in headlights look) that stops them in their tracks.
If was my friends @ SI that continued to prompt me to tell my wayward wife's affair partner's faithful wife. and to this day i cannot say thank you enough for that support.
I called AP's wife on the phone (turned off my caller ID on my cell) and called almost 20 times in one day before she finally answered.
I then identified myself, and told her that her husband and my wife were having an affair, and her response was "it doesnt suprise me". calmly too
To this day she thanks me over and over for making that call. She attributs my support to her of trying to repair her marriage in fact she told her wayward husband on several occasions, if it wasnt for me she would have "D" him.
We continued to stay in contact for months watching our wayward's every move until the real NC occurred in July 2012. We do talk occasionally just to see how things are going.
Thats how we knew that NC had not occurred becasue we stayed in contact.
NC did eventually occur (intiated by my WW) and we both are working on our marriages.
Affairs thrive in secrecy, breaking that secrecy will usually stop the affair.
when faithful wife confronted, AP caved in immediately, confessed everything to his faithful wife and threw my WW under the bus, my WW was empotionally involved (just like the books say)and it took longer for her to come out of the "fog".
I am sending you strength to advise the AP's faithful spouse becasue they have every right to know whats going on in their marriage and get thru this mess your broken wayward spouse got you into
I also sent AP's wife several books from amazon. "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass is one of the best as is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old
married 25 yrs
and its been roller-coaster
confronted 6 wks later
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful
People have a right to know what is going on in their lives. Their health and well being is being put at risk by someone that is supposed to love, support, and protect them. Having an A shows a blatent disregard for all three of those qualities.
Please let the BH what his wife has been up to. It is not the easy thing to do but it is the right thing to do.
But my advice is if you're not sure do it anonymously. They do have the right to know, but you must put your well-being first.
I was very lucky in that the guy who caught them "in the act" was a friend who called me immediatley.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
Supposedly the same info was given to him but I don't know for sure if he actually received it.
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Supposedly the same info was given to him but I don't know for sure if he actually received it
Neveragain2013..... How I found out is through an anonymous note. In it, that person said he/she had sent a similar note to the OW's husband. I confronted my WH & he admitted to the affair (I never did tell him how I knew). So I don't know if OW's husband actually received his note or if somehow OW intercepted it. I do know that my WH told the OW that I know.
Thank you all for your responses. I need to just do it now so I can get it off my mind.