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DD to meet OW

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Ashland13 posted 10/7/2013 18:15 PM

Well, new threads in the web are being woven as the divorce progresses.

X is willing to wait no more for his worlds to collide and is simply walking all over me and demanding DD go to his new house where he resides with OW. This he kept a secret for who knows how long and is stomping his feet like an ass.

It's amazing to me that he can claim care for my well being while doing whatever he wants and steamrolling over me while my head reels and I can't think or process one more thing.

Now that DD has had her Dday, she's flip flopped from calling them "traitors" to very bratty behavior about going there. She is angry at me because of the baby and his bringing the baby with them on outings and I understand sibling jealousy, but my new fears are that it will push her towards OW.

Their talks now consists of his making huge statements about the things they have where he is living and how grand it all is and how amazing the people are.

It makes me gag to hear her talk of "I have another family, MOM." I don't know how to reply except to swallow the vomit and smile at her so I don't explode or keel over.

I know that she is young and doesn't understand, but I struggle to face her (DD) now and can't help but feel another blow...another betrayal.

My goal is to shut my mouth but I feel the heat and chest pains that took so long to get rid of.

There are other major life changes to come and though it's always been her favoring him, this new way of it has been a serious setback for me.

I guess I'm writing to ask for any advice on how to handle this new level of things, for the high road is farther and farther away right now.

I've also learned that x has been lending DD things like books and movies from "there" that actually belong to OW's belongings are in my house??????

Am I too sensitive?

I am panicking about this and have to get hold of myself.

pregnantandsad posted 10/7/2013 19:14 PM

I am so sorry Ashland. My dd went to hers dads apartment that he shares with ow for the first time last week. She hasn't met ow yet though, and I am dreading that day.

Wh did the same thing as your ex, talking to dd constantly about how great his new place is, all the stuff he has for here there and how much fun she will have when she visits. Because of this, dd is always going on and on about his apartment And I want to scream every time.

I don't have any advice, just want you to know that you aren't alone. This all is so hard and I wish you weren't going through it.

SBB posted 10/7/2013 19:28 PM

It is hard but you have to try not to see this as a competition. OW or the next iteration of the 'luurve' of his life (or the next or the next) will never take your place in your DDs heart.

My girls are only small so this is currently relatively easy for me.

I have worked really hard to separate my relationship with my girls from their relationship with their father AND from my feelings about him.

As a mum I'm happy that OWUmpteen is not unkind to them. As a BS I loathe the thought of either of those whores around my precious girls.

How did the "I have another family" conversation come up?

How old is your DD? Is she in IC? Are you?

Your IC or hers help you navigate this. Please reach out to them.

I sometimes see my girls struggle with feeling disloyal to me for having a nice time with their dad. Even though I don't say anything they pick up at my bristling on a subconscious level so it is something I try to be aware of. I'm a year into this and I don't bristle anymore (except when I hear them recount some manipulative conversation they've had with him).

I remind them that it makes me very happy when they have a nice time. I suspect he drills them about what goes on here and he asks them leading questions about which home they like more or who they love more - they expect the same from me.

When they tell me they love me more or like it better here I tell them that is a nice thing to say and that I don't need them to love me more or to have a better time here as long as they are happy. I am happy if they are happy. I mean it too.

Kids don't need that pressure. My baggage is my own - I don't need them to carry it.

I don't wish for my girls to hate their dad or OWUmpteen - not because of me and also not because of his own actions towards them. If his own actions lead to them being estranged from him or not having a good relationship with him I will not be happy about it nor will I feel responsible. That is all on him.

It is a rough road to walk. But our kids are not betraying us by loving their dad or by bonding with whomever their dad brings into their lives. They are adapting. That is what we want.

Now, if he is actively doing things to alienate her from you then there are things you can do to mitigate that. The book "Divorce Poison" has some great suggestions. He is not the only one who impacts your relationship with your daughter. You do too.

But if she is buying into Disney dad or the newness of the situation it is just a wave you need to ride. Not pleasant and heartbreaking sometimes but what gets me through it is thinking of how the situation could be worse. Him turning his back on them, OWUmpteen being unkind to them etc. etc. etc.

My eldest is quite bonded to her dad. She spent a lot of time with him when I was busy with DD2. I felt excluded a lot but I also had a hand in that - exhaustion and my deep unhappiness in that M wasn't conducive to being an present and involved mum.

We have re-formed that bond and it is stronger than ever. She is still very bonded to him. As is often the case kids seek out the attention of the parent who is kind of distant.

It is difficult but you have to try not to take any positives from that side of the fence as a blow to you.

I use the analogy of how having a second child doesn't mean you need to halve your love, it means your love doubles. I'm focussing on making sure there is enough love in my girls lives to go around so they don't have to be stressed out about metering it out to each of us.

((Ashland)) What you are feeling is normal. Please know I'm not trying to heap some more mamma guilt on you. I'm trying to show you that there are other ways to cope with this - ways that are difficult to see when you are hurting.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:23 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

ChoosingHope posted 10/7/2013 19:45 PM


AppleBlossom posted 10/7/2013 20:08 PM

Hey Ashland, I totally understand. Its awful how the hardest part of separation and divorce is not necessarily the day they walk out the door, but everything that follows.

I know that you know in your heart and your motherly instincts that you do need to take the high road, and you know you will probably slip up from time to time - and that's okay.

The most important advice I can give you right now is that the more you love your kids and let them have other people in their lives, the more they will love you. Maybe not now, by later, when they are older and start to comprehend what has happened, they will feel the all encompassing and enveloping, non-judgemental love that you have given them and they will freaking adore you. Ask me how I know.

lost4now posted 10/8/2013 05:20 AM

My 15 year old daughter has befriended my STBXH's slutface OW and it hurts very much. This woman helped my husband become someone I no longer know. I am angry at them both for the five years of pain they inflicted and even angrier that they continue to hurt me thru my daughter, intentionally or not.

Unfortunately, there isn't a hell of a lot we can do about this except suck it up and take the high road. It is so very hard sometimes but over time it gets easier. My STBXH left in January promising to win me back. 3 weeks later he contact his OW again and they picked right up where they left off. In April he introduced my youngest daughter to her and now when she visits with him they are a happy family together. It stings but it gets easier each and every time. I don't ask questions and I don't make comments. I keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it is difficult especially when they do things that directly hurt me. (like taking her for a homecoming dress) ugh!

My daughter and her happiness is my only concern. Eventually she will see them for what they are. Your daughter will too. I know it hurts. Keep your chin up!!!!

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