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Triggering and feeling stupid after

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knockedforsix posted 10/7/2013 19:12 PM

On the weekend we had to go away for a work/social party. My WH was able to do some work at the destination so his work picked up a business class airfare and I bought my ticket economy.

On the way up the airline upgraded me which was great but he kept going on about if they didn't upgrade me then he wanted me to take his seat. Problem is that he had travelled previously on the same planes with the OW and "to be nice" had swapped seats with her so she could travel business. This was before anything happened between them but I was uncomfortable about it at the time and now see it as part of the poor boundaries thing.

So I said - no thanks. I just don't want him to give me anything that he gave to her.

On the return journey I didn't get an upgrade but refused to change seats with him. He wouldn't listen to me that I didn't want too. I realise he thought he was being nice but he didn't get that because he had done it for the OW any sense of niceness or being special was completely destroyed.

He was so annoyed with me when we got off the plane and I just lost it in the terminal. I explained that I didn't want because I would have cried the whole way home.

He gets it now but I also feel stupid because really I allowed her to interfere in an otherwise lovely weekend.

Problem is I don't know how to stop these triggers escalating before I lose it.

Anyone got any tips?

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 19:47 PM

First, you are perfectly normal. I know this is crazy making stuff...but you are not crazy.

Do what you are doing....for a bit this anger just has to come out. Over time you will learn to filter it a you do is kinda up to you.

I exercise, read, pray, and I post on here.

You are only 8 months or so past DD...I was raging pretty hard then.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is great help if your husband is willing to do some of what it suggest. My wife did some, not all, and it helped.

God be with you.

tushnurse posted 10/7/2013 20:16 PM

Dp NOT feel stupid. Triggers suck. Hell im fully Rd and had a major meltdown this weekend myself. I certainly don't feel like I was just being stupid. My H behaved poorly and I reacted. Simple as that.
The important thing is that we were able to discuss it, and resolve it.

When something triggers you, it is your responsibility to speak up, the sooner the better. So the time to say something about him trying to be generous and trade spots would have been after you landed. That way you can not make a big deal of it and prevent future attempts of him doing the same thing. You would have beenrrelaxed and so would he.

Something like "I don't want you to get upset but I have to tell you this so you don't make the same mistake again. When you try to reminds me of.... so please even though you are being nice it hurt me and I would appreciate if you never do it again"

Not a big deal no major meltdown and now he knows. If you let things fester then it ends up being a big ordeal. They are not mind readers ss my H is fond of reminding me.

Forget the drama and remember the great weekend you had

knockedforsix posted 10/7/2013 20:18 PM

Thanks Blakesteele but its actually more like 2.5 years. My husband has done everything I asked and more but I still lose it more often than I would like.

It worries me that I still have this much anger.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/7/2013 20:20 PM

I don't think there is anything to feel stupid about. I believe triggers will come up here or there the rest of my life. I think the best way to handle triggers is to get them out in the open asap. The more I try to control them or suppress them the stronger they get. The more honest and open I am about them the quicker they pass.

Could you have mentioned that switching seats would trigger you right off the bat?

Clarrissa posted 10/7/2013 20:25 PM

FWS here. Hope you don't mind.

You should never, *ever* have to apologize for triggering. Triggers could be described as akin to Tourettes. They can hit out of nowhere and there's no controlling them this soon out. You didn't create the circumstances that cause them, your WH did so he should *not* get angry when you do trigger. Ideally, he should be proactive in helping you avoid them. Sometimes it's as simple as *thinking* about what might cause you to trigger. He may have genuinely thought he was being nice in offering to switch seats and if there had been no A you could have accepted it in that spirit. But he *knew* you knew of his offer to do the same for OW. He either didn't see or refused to see the connection and see that it could/would trigger you. He didn't *think*.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:27 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

knockedforsix posted 10/7/2013 20:32 PM

I agree that he just didn't think but goodness I am so sick of that wrung out feeling I get after I trigger badly. It leaves me flat and depressed for days.

Will this thing never end....

blakesteele posted 10/8/2013 06:36 AM

Sorry for the misunderstanding on my part.

I saw the 13 above the Feb 11 and thought it was Feb 13.

Apparently I don't listen to the written word much better then the spoken word.

Still doesn't change the fact that I don't think you are stupid.

I am only 13 months into this...don't know what I will be like in the future. Glad to see other members with longer R experience chiming in.

Peace to us all.

God be with us all.

MJane posted 10/8/2013 07:07 AM

Knockedfor6 I hear you - I read in mails to/from OW how my husband cooked certain meals and desserts for her (same ones I used to get when he was feeling romantic) - refuse to have either of them now given the may seem silly but ultimately it isn't - it was something he have her which will now be forever linked in my mind to her and it now means nothing to me. He is responsible for that and maybe, one day, Ill see those meals as "just" plates of food but not anytime soon...

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/8/2013 07:19 AM

Something like "I don't want you to get upset but I have to tell you this so you don't make the same mistake again. When you try to reminds me of.... so please even though you are being nice it hurt me and I would appreciate if you never do it again"

This works for me as well. I try to tell him immediately. We have sort of code words to get through that particular moment ("no good", "yah, that wont work", or "moving on"). This lets him know that I know we are in public but he needs to stop pushing whatever it is he is trying to get me to do and just move on. I hate that him trying to be nice can trigger me...but, that isn't my fault. Once a code word is used, we know that later, after the kids are down and we are settled in and in a good spot to talk, we can address what the actual trigger was.
We are only 9 weeks in, so I am absolutely not a guru by ANY means. But, I am just sharing what works for me right now.
I have tried to let go of the guilt about triggers. I cannot control what my brain does.
I have also accepted that this will always be here. Always.
I have talked with him about that too. I will do my best to not let it rule everything, but from my early standpoint- it is hard to see a time when it doesn't color things.

Crazyman642 posted 10/8/2013 08:41 AM

I apologize, after reading my response I felt I was hijacking your thread so I deleted my answer.

Tiggers don't get easier, they get easier to hide and hopefully the emotional sting and bite becomes less with time.

[This message edited by Crazyman642 at 8:54 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

UndecidedinMA posted 10/8/2013 08:47 AM

I realise he thought he was being nice but he didn't get that because he had done it for the OW any sense of niceness or being special was completely destroyed

ITA with tush, when these things come up, speak up & explain. My MC/IC worked with for awhile getting me to see he can't read my mind. I need to communicate with him just like I want him to with me.

If you sit & stew you have those blow ups & communication is broken.

I understand the trigger, they just suck.

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