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I'm Just Soooo Tired

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StillLivin posted 10/7/2013 19:17 PM

I hate this crap. I'm so tired of it all.
He signed off on all the paperwork, agreeing to how life insurance would be handled until sale of the home in 2015. I paid $500 an hour for my attorney while we went over EVERYTHING in detail.
Today, our life insurance was supposed to be paid. I paid mine. His wasn't paid and I got a nastygram. Called the life insurance folks. Contacted him, text only cuz I just can't deal with him on his level when it's a phone conversation.
Him: Uh, why do I have to pay the life insurance, you are the beneficiary.
Me: For the same reason I have to pay my life insurance.
Him: I don't have any money
Me: Fine. Pay me back next Thursday when you get paid.
The whole time, I'm looking at his account with $3,000 in it and another with about the same amount.
I didn't hack, he never bothered to change the passwords that I set up years ago.
I refused to argue, engage in any way, and definitely didn't remind him I still can look at his accounts.
He does this crap to push my buttons, which is exactly why I pretend like it doesn't bother me at all.
I just don't get the WHYs of it all.
I have not put up a fight about anything. When he announced he was leaving me, fine. When he announced he was getting his phone in his own name so I couldn't "spy" on his phone calls, fine...even went to Verizon to sign him off cuz it needed my signature.
When he packed his crap, didn't beg, argue, again fine.
When he wouldn't tell me his address, fine.
When he asked me to lower the spousal maintenance, checked my budge, and fine.
He wanted a divorce, we are in a covenant marriage, so he couldn't file against me. FINE, I went against all of my religious convictions and filed when he abandoned me and moved Shrek into his new lurve nest, fine.
And every chance he gets, even it it has absolutely no bearing on the financial conversation, he says, "You're just doing this because I don't love you and I don't want you anymore. You are just jealous because I'm happier without you!"
This shit HURTS. I know I'm better off without him, and one day my heart will catch up to my brain. AND I do NOT give him the satisfaction of a response when he goes there but ignore and continue with the financial whatevers. Then get off email or text as soon as I can.
NC is in effect, but for financial stuff I have to deal with him or pay my attorney $500 an hour to handle the emails, etc. If I could afford that, believe me I would NEVER speak to him again.
I gave him what he wanted without a fight, and that is filing for D.
He has his whore. I don't deal with him, like he SAYS he wants. WTF.
I'm just sooo damn tired.
I was sooo good to him in the marriage. I stood by him when he hit financial ruin from his crazy ex wife that cheated on him. I stood by him during his injuries, I stood by him when he lost his daughter. I raised his two sons as my own when their mother all but abandoned him.
He is the one that lied, cheated, disrespected me over and over in my house, and emotionally abused me.
Why why why is he still trying so hard to stick me in the back over and over when I'm not bothering him.
I'm crying my eyes out. I'm just so tired. So tired of his shit when I was sooo good to him and his kids. Why won't he just leave me the hell alone. I didn't deserve this from him. Yet he behaves like a child thst didn't get his I'M the one that cheated on HIM. He has spread lies, I took the high road and didn't tell anybody ANYTHING for soooo damn long.
I cannot wait for the day when all financial ties have been taken care of and NOTHING binds us together anymore.
This sh!% HURTS.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 7:29 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 10/7/2013 19:29 PM


So sorry for the pain and douchebaggery you have to tolerate.

Short answer to 'why' = he is a dick.


Sending you strength to continue until you get to the end of this abuse.

StillLivin posted 10/7/2013 19:31 PM

Thank you Hurts. Yes, he is a dick. I guess I keep wanting to make sense of a "good" reason that will explain everything. Nothing will ever be a good enough reason though!

gypsybird87 posted 10/7/2013 19:47 PM


Oh wow, do I relate to this post! Though XWH and I don't have contact the way you are still having to put up with, he still finds a way. Always he finds a way to do or say something vindictive, as though I'm the one that screwed him over. I finally realized that in his f*cked up NPD brain, that's the truth. Of course, he's angry, of course, he wants to hurt me. He's the victim here, remember? I'm the bitch.

It's utter crap but it's the sea they swim in, SL. From their twisted perspective, everything they do is justified and makes perfect sense. It sucks but try not to buy into it. (I struggle with this every day too!)

Like you, I was very good to him. I was childless-by-choice when I met him but I took on his five kids and loved them like my own. I supported him when he lost his job and then finally got another one for 1/2 as much money. I'm pretty much financially ruined now, because of him.

Everyone keeps saying it gets better, it gets easier. I hope they're right, for you and me.

More hugs to you ((StillLivin)).
Hang in there.

StillLivin posted 10/7/2013 19:53 PM

Thank you Gypsybird87. You too. Seems like our tales mirror.
This so sucks for all of us. Nobody deserves this, no matter how bad or good the M was. NOBODY!

StillLivin posted 10/8/2013 21:50 PM

Omg, So After All The Emotional Abuse, Shrekf...Er Puts 10X The Amount In The Account! So Guess I Get PAid Extra For Being His Emotional Punching Bag. Sheesh. Can't Be Divorced Soon Enough. He Is Certifiable.

StillLivin posted 10/8/2013 21:50 PM

Omg, So After All The Emotional Abuse, Shrekf...Er Puts 10X The Amount In The Account! So Guess I Get PAid Extra For Being His Emotional Punching Bag. Sheesh. Can't Be Divorced Soon Enough. He Is Certifiable.

Brokenheart777 posted 10/8/2013 22:02 PM

First off, FTG!! I put myself in your situation and it makes me angry. I'm sorry you are hurting and know you aren't alone in how you feel.

It's blatantly obvious that your XWH has got some real issues going on. No sane person could ever understand someone experiencing the pain of being cheated on and then dealing the same blow to someone else and then being a complete d*ck about it in it's wake. I'm glad that you are doing everything you can to disconnect from this "thing" that likes to call himself a human. You WILL be better off, far better off.

StillLivin posted 10/9/2013 12:13 PM

Thank you. I really needed to hear that today.
It's crazy, none of us "know" each other, yet we all know each other better than a person that professed committment to us.

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